hello hello!

[laurels]

Hi, everyone!

How to even start? My biggest issue is CEN. (There are also some very specific traumatizing events I won't be getting into here). I'm autistic and was a precocious child which made my already emotionally ill-equipped parents assume they can leave me to my own devices and treat me as an adult. Undiagnosed ASD also made me feel like nobody understood what I was talking about half the time (so I should be careful what I express, lest they "put me away"), and a lot of the time my discomfort (stemming from high sensory sensitivity) was disbelieved, shrugged off or overridden, never acknowledged or soothed. Often I got the message that I'm supposed to be enjoying what I'm feeling, or that what's happening to me is good/for my own good. I'm also transgender, which I did not realize straight away, and that together with the neurodivergent experience made me feel like nobody really saw me. And in the manner of a child I rationalized and internalized that to mean "there's simply nothing there to see, I am Empty".

In adulthood that mostly resulted in obsessing over romantic interests, making everything about them - wanting someone to love me, but trying to distract them from the "fact" that I'm "empty". It was too tiring in the long run, and once I stopped I actually did find a wonderful partner. Unfortunately this behavior now switched to platonic/friend relationships. I don't have any close friends (or maybe I have naive, idealized expectations of friendship?) and I cling to any positive attention. Feeling deprived of it/rejected by someone who was initially friendly/willing to provide it is my biggest trigger for EFs right now. But I am in a place where I can recognize a flashback as it's happening and soothe myself/disarm it pretty early on.

Due to bad experiences I'm very mistrustful of therapists and the whole medical system, but I've always been focused on growth and self discovery, and I think I've been doing well over the years (if not as fast and structured as I could probably do with a therapist/proper plan). I've read psychology and self help books, tried bits and pieces of CBT, ACT, but also found a lot of help in the form of meditation, and even paganism and some magical approaches (visualizations, Jungian Inner Work and such). Currently I feel a little stuck - I can't seem to keep up with practices I know help me (like exercises from Jonice Webb's "Running On Empty"), but I'm hoping to find some structure or motivation here. I'm so glad to have found this resource, there's so much good information here and I haven't even started participating. I think the community aspect will be really helpful in my growth. Hope to catch y'all around the forum

[zanzoken]

Welcome Laurels, glad you are here and wish you all the best in your recovery. 

[Kizzie]

HI Laurels and a warm welcome to OOTS 

I see that CEN stands for Childhood Emotional Neglect and have to say that I haven't see that acronym much at all in the reading I do so that's progress.  That is, if there's an acronym it means it's being seen and is becoming legit.

I try whenever possible when I write on Twitter, etc to talk about  abuse AND neglect when it comes to relational trauma. So often neglect is neglected and that leaves out a whole swath of people like you who did not get the love, nurturing, sense of worth, etc that those of us who were abused didn't get either.  It's a different type of abuse IMO.

I wanted to mention I had the thought when you wrote that you saw/see yourself as empty (and I totally understand why that's the case), that in fact you have a very full and rich inner life I hope you will safe to share/explore here. 

[laurels]

Thanks zanzoken, thanks Kizzie.

I don't remember which book I read this in*, but the author posited that not addressing neglect is the biggest failure of treating other abuse and trauma. When there is a very bright problem/factor - alcohol, violence etc - it's natural to focus on that. But it's so hard to see what is Not there, what wasn't there. But we do need those blanks filled - the emotional and social skills that develop through attentive parents' conscious interactions with a child. We can learn them any time, we just need to know that they're missing in the first place!

(Also, thank you, I do see the vibrant inner life nowadays. I'm currently progressing from "fear of being discovered to be Empty" to "sadness at what's there not being Enough". New thing to work on!)

___
* probably one of these, as I remember they helped me the most with CEN:

• Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
• The Emotionally Absent Mother, Updated and Expanded Second Edition: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jasmin Lee Cori

[Not Alone]

Welcome, Laurels. 

[Kizzie]

When I had my bout of bad anxiety attacks a week or so ago, one thing that became abundantly clear to my H and I was that we really did not know how to comfort ourselves/each other very well.  We are fixers - fix the problem and make it go away - versus arm around shoulder and soothing talk (it's OK I'm here). I think you're right that many of us don't quite know what we missed or more accurately quite how to do the things we missed.   

We do indeed need to recognize the blanks and fill them in, but that's the tricky part when one of our issues is trusting people enough to let them close. I know the theory is that if we can get close in therapy and learn to trust that will extend out to the world.  I have been wishing though that there were other safe spaces for us, where we can connect with others and see and fill those blank spots. Something like http://bodyandsoulcharity.org/ in the UK - I'd so love to have access to something similar where I live.

Anyway, not to blather on - just wanted to say I agree with you about the blank spots