Scared Kid?

[OnePercentBetter]

Here I sit at 6 AM, less than 4 hours of sleep over the last 40ish hours. It's becoming more frequent. I've kind of always had this problem but it's suddenly so different. With my recent cPTSD diagnosis this lack of sleep has changed A LOT for me.

 I've always been very answers driven and obsessed over the consumption of knowledge. Yet I've only recently began to consume the knowledge that is my own psyche. This has led to an odd feeling, an explainable yet not understandable feeling for me.

Only recently have I begun to really connect with myself. And I've noticed this facade of being a big, strong, unbreakable, and unwavering "man" that I've carried for possibly 20 years of the 26 I've had. Truth is I feel like a scared and terrified little kid deep down.

I realize that there are two very distinct "sides" of me.

One consists of PURE FIGHT.(thankfully fully conscious and unclouded decision making accompanies this.) Now I realized a LONG time ago I had a very large tendency as a pre-teen and teenager to resort to violence. Thankfully I made this connection and realization early on and began to focus on anger managing techniques.(I can honestly and happily say I very rarely have outbursts now, and I will never get physical unless there IS a threat.)

Now the other side of me is the one that is currently wreaking havoc on me, and has only recently surfaced. It's the soft spoken, approval seeking, and extremely empathetic "child-like" psyche that CRAVES love. I can't seem to manage it. I try to comfort myself by engaging in my favorite activities or even openly discussing this with my Fiancé. But for some reason my heart just hurts so much.

I'm bringing this up to see if anybody else has felt or feels this way. If so, what is/was your process or your "escape" to achieve mental clarity and work through it? I don't want to run from this! I need to face it head on, because I know and understand that is the BIGGEST step to see that light again!


With Love,

OnePercentBetter

I'M NOT OKAY! BUT THAT'S OKAY!

[NarcKiddo]

Hi!

I identify with this. As I have got older (in my mid 50s now) my fight side has come very much to the fore. I am actually quite scared that I might erupt in actual violence now. Which is unacceptable in anyone but even more so for me as a woman, probably. I manage that by boxing and powerlifting to work out the adrenaline. I'm really glad you have found ways to manage that side of you.

As for the child side, it sounds to me like you would benefit from doing lots of research around inner child work. I can't always communicate very well with mine yet but I have started to understand some things. I think you are on the right lines with trying to comfort yourself but maybe you are trying to comfort your adult self with things your adult self likes? You need to be comforting your child self. Maybe you could try thinking about things you liked as a child and see if you could try doing some of those. It may be taking yourself to an ice cream parlour, or doing colouring, or writing stories, or singing, or doing some physical activity you enjoyed as a kid. For me the aim is to reassure child me that she is loved by adult me. That adult me can take care of child me.

If as a child you experienced being let down, failed, harmed and/or betrayed by those who were supposed to love you then it will be very hard to get that from another person now. The inner child needs to be able to trust adult you before he can relax and maybe start trusting others. A therapist could help you if that is an option for you. It can be a very weird concept to wrap your head around (at least I find it so) and being able to discuss this with a therapist and with people here who truly get it has been very helpful.

[Kizzie]

I know it doesn't feel great 1%Better, but the fact that you can feel that really terrified kid who is so hurt is progress. Many of us here have done the same thing; a strong image we portray or fight response to keep anyone from seeing the little kid, how vulnerable they are and how they can be hurt. It makes a lot of sense because to let our abusers see that part of us would often result in more abuse. 

Your little kid is starting to want to come to the surface it sounds like. Scarey I know. I know I helped mine to feel safer and trust adult me by playing. For example I joined a drumming class and she absolutely loved wailing away on the drum. Lots of people do crafts or sing or dance or skip when no-one is watching just to let the kid part of them feel it's OK.  My H bought me a big stuffed red panda to cuddle when I am feeling afraid - he now understands there is that part of me that craves love and safety but it took a while to show him that side.

Facing that part of you bit by bit can feel safer rather than one big rip off the bandaid approach, and then when you are ready let others you trust know about your kid self. Some members let their younger part write in their journal as a way of giving them voice.   

[blue_sky]

Hi OnePercentBetter,

I have an inner child who went through CSA without knowing what was going on. She just craves for love, attention and physical affection (hugging, kissing etc were not a part of my family's culture). She is wild, likes to talk a lot and loves arts and crafts.

I learnt to love her, accept her and give her hugs with the self-hugging technique. After reading the book "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw, I also practised writing a letter as an adult me to my inner child using my dominant hand and a letter by the inner child to my adult self by my non-dominant hand. Then I kept the letters away for a few days and read them again. It was incredibly powerful work for me. I also let myself buy things like toys and crafts that my inner child always wanted but never got.

Hope you find some things that will make your inner child happy 

[Ghost]

Hi OnePercentBetter,
My little me is a huge part of my life right now. For a very long time, I was very ashamed and embarrassed by her and her needs. The more I tried to quiet her down and ignore her or tell her how much of a problem she was being for me the more angry and violet I became.

I do a lot of IFS work in therapy which is about getting in touch with and listening to these other parts of yourself. Trying to make her go away so I can get adult things done does not help and only makes her feel worse and then she is even more demanding. I am not great at navigating that part. I try to start by telling her that I have to work right now but when I'm done, we'll do something fun and relaxing. I also have to build trust with her by following through with what I promise her. This little girl is not trusting for good reasons. She throws fits because no one listened. I have to take her history into account of her behavior. If she's being a little brat, it's not because she wants to ruin my day it's because she is hurting. I have to love and care for this child with everything I was missing in my childhood.

And the fact that my brain created this child inside me that throws fits and takes over should be expected because of what happened.

My therapist says that once I make these parts of me feel safe and heard (consistently) they'll start to grow up and reintegrate with adult me and I won't have entire days where I'm taken over by a child. She'll be a little voice in my heart that says "squismellows are so cool" and "Princess Tiana is my favorite" but she won't commandeer my life.

Psychology Today about IFS

[Kizzie]

Squismellows are so cool - couldn't agree more.    I have three and I'm 67.  It's often younger me that needs some soothing so I go with it. Younger me does not throw fits like she used to and I think it's for the reasons you talk about - she's heard and cared for now.

 

[storyworld]

OnePercentBetter, how are you doing now? Have you been able to catch up on your sleep. As one who went through an intense and long-lasting insomnia, I have great compassion for your situation. I still have bouts of insomnia when I get activated by something significant, but my insomnia has greatly decreased. (I probably only have one night a week of no sleep now.) I hope yours is decreasing also.