My trauma - my own guilty actions

[johnram]

Hi all,

As a result of my trauma's and complex abuse and childhood, i have done some things i am not proud of you (I am intentionally being vague).
 
These things have been needed to survive (nothing criminal) but they are not things i am proud of as it has caused others hurt and if some other things came out, it would also hurt others. 

Recently as i work through my own trauma, i have this over abundance of guilt, i cant yet see these things as reactions to my trauma and how i was raised, as i am still blocked from a lot of the pain i suffered, and its hard for me to work through the shame associated.

I worry that after suffering so long, that my past continues to eat me up, cause me more and more suffering, just to live. 

Keen to see if others relate / have done self work to help soften these things in themselves and any tips?
thanks

[rainydiary]

johnram, I appreciate you sharing this and opening up this discussion. 

I relate to what you share and often the more I learn, the more I see ways I have caused harm and it hurts me to know that. 

I am still muddling my way through this.  Although this may seem like a contradiction, something that seems to be helping is to work on listening to and loving myself first.   

I am re-reading the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker and I found it helpful in chapter 2 that he lists out things we may not have developed as a result of trauma: self-acceptance, clear sense of identity, self-compassion, self-protection, capacity to draw comfort from relationship, ability to relax, capacity for self-expression, willpower & motivation, peace of mind, self-care, self-esteem, self-confidence. 

This is quite a list and what I think I am learning is that as I heal and love myself more, these areas grow and strengthen. 

For me, yoga is where I started to listen to myself. 

[Armee]

It shows a lot of courage to open this topic. 

It's a delicate difficult balance to own our role in something enough to change old unhelpful patterns without falling into a pit of shame that helps no one. I think it took me about 2 solid years to get to that balance with just one issue. I had to work through fear, denial and blaming others, and then shame and more fear as I acknowledged my role. But ultimately seeing that shame and fear helps no one. I'm still working on putting this into practice but what matters is being able to be kind to myself so I can be present and close to those who need me. Getting mad at myself for not being present isn't going to make me more present, it'll make me less present.

[johnram]

Thank you for the below.  I am reading Pete's "Tao of fully feeling", and i have been thinking that i feel guilty and shame way more than others / normals, and its my fear of acceptance that is screwed.  i think this is also something i am going to have to work through. 

that self love is key.

Well done for sharing and reminding me

I am still muddling my way through this.  Although this may seem like a contradiction, something that seems to be helping is to work on listening to and loving myself first.   

I am re-reading the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker and I found it helpful in chapter 2 that he lists out things we may not have developed as a result of trauma: self-acceptance, clear sense of identity, self-compassion, self-protection, capacity to draw comfort from relationship, ability to relax, capacity for self-expression, willpower & motivation, peace of mind, self-care, self-esteem, self-confidence. 

[johnram]

thank you, the below really helps.
if i may, how did you navigate those 2 years?

I'm still working on putting this into practice but what matters is being able to be kind to myself so I can be present and close to those who need me. Getting mad at myself for not being present isn't going to make me more present, it'll make me less present.

[Armee]

thank you, the below really helps.
if i may, how did you navigate those 2 years?

I'm still working on putting this into practice but what matters is being able to be kind to myself so I can be present and close to those who need me. Getting mad at myself for not being present isn't going to make me more present, it'll make me less present.

The simple answer?

By continuing to show up in therapy every single week no matter how hurt I felt, by being earnestly committed to "getting better" not knowing what that meant, and really the truest answer is something my T says to me a lot and it irritated the s* out of me for a very longtime: Trust in the unfolding.

What that means to me is I just keep trying, working on whatever shows up when I can, staying committed, and accepting each step and just trusting it's all toward the right end.

So that's the wishywashy version but the truth. Below I can describe in more detail how it really played out and you can take from it what seems helpful. I worked my butt off. I went back week after week, trusting me and my therapist even when we hit a really bad spell.

***
I don't know if you've read much of my backstory. Trigger warnings for physical abuse, self-harm and frequent mention of suicide. Don't read if you feel triggered. Just go with what's above.

***

Raised by a single mom with bipolar and borderline personality disorders. Chaotic childhood. Somewhat physically abusive step dad who was in my life for 5 yrs.  Verbally cruel as well.

I developed dissociation somewhere along the line, not sure why or when. When I was 15 my mom began cutting her arms...mutilating really, it was bad. She also left out books about ways to commit suicide and journals about how and why she would do it blaming my sister and putting the responsibility for not doing it on me being good.

This lasted until I left for college. I was terrified everyday for 4 years that i would come home and find her dead and it would be my fault.

Fast forward 20 years and I have my own family, and my father in law, biological father, and 2 exboyfriends are dead by suicide and another friend is actively suicidal and turning to me to stop it (it was very manipulative... he wanted me to do something unethical and when I wouldn't he would threaten).

Ok. Still everything is kind of mostly ok. This is where I fell apart and shame kicked in majorly. When he was 10 I learned my son had a plan to commit suicide. I really just fell into such a deep hole of fear and dissociation, and PTSD really kicked in in high gear.

I got my son into therapy and 6 months later the therapist declared him all good. He really was a different kid. In the meantime stuff with my mom had gotten pretty difficult as she had quit taking her psychiatric medications and was having health problems so I was a mess from both these things feeding different parts of the PTSD.

I decided to start therapy with my son's therapist because I trusted him immensely. He saved my son's life. I didn't know I had PTSD and neither did the therapist. I thought I was going to therapy for a few sessions to learn to set boundaries with my mom.

I didn't know my fears around people I love commitng suicide and it being my fault had any hope of being treated but it ended up being a huge part of my treatment.

***

Here's where I get to the point of your post:

At first I blamed my husband for being too strict with my son. I never ever ever said that to him or my therapist but I definitely thought it was his fault. I was a really good mom. I had no doubt about that!

After a little time my T started gently pointing out how my behaviors were contributing to my son not being able to connect and talk to us and that my constant fear about suicide kept us disconnected and ironically made it more likely he would do it, while me letting go of the fear would make it less likely. He also started talking a bit about the tendency of trauma to repeat itself...reenactment...

And I switched from blaming my husband to blaming myself. I have rotten genes. It's my fault. I'm too dissociated. It's my fault. I'm reenacting trauma. It's my fault. I'm not emotionally connecting. It's my fault. Bad mom bad mom bad mom all my fault.

While I knew that blaming myself and beating myself up was not helping anything, I could not stop beating the crud out of myself.

I am now mostly free of the fear that he will kill himself and generally free of this overarching fear of suicide though not completely. I now can recognize my part in what caused him to feel that way without thinking I'm a bad mom. I can connect with him and parent without fear and shame.

So what worked? Slowly but diligently working through whatever I could that showed up. At first it was going after the debilitating fear so that I could just not be a complete puddle of distress. I still blamed myself but the fear lessened a tiny bit.

Learning and practicing good communication strategies with my son.  I still blamed myself. Sharing my fears and feelings with my husband so he knew where I was coming from. Still blamed myself but we were all more connected and at ease.

Learning to control dissociation and stay more present. Starting to have a little kindness and understanding toward myself and what I have been through, how hard it has been. Starting to not blame myself except when triggered.

Working through whatever other pieces of trauma are showing up. Kinder, less shame and blame. Practicing grounding and stopping dissociation as soon as it starts.

Essentially doing all the pieces of trauma work using nearly every therapy tool and showing up over and over no matter what and just trusting in the unfolding.

That is what has eventually gotten me to a place where I no longer live in fear and no longer blame myself and instead have more self-compassion. It was not fast or easy. For about 2 years the very thought "be kind to Armee" had me wanting to hurt myself. But somehow along the way that has softened.

Since I am not afraid and not blaming myself and not bulldozing myself with shame I can be closer to my son which makes it all the less likely he will follow in his grandparents footsteps.

Sorry that was much too long. But hey it's a messy process. You can boil it down to "be kind to yourself" but we all know how hard that is to do with CPTSD.

[johnram]

thank you for sharing.  I really appreciate that. 

Really sorry to hear what you have gone through, bu i also feel that you have some strong will and energy to come through that - i can relate (generally and specifically - i discovered my brothers attempts at the below when he was 15) but dont appreciate that part of me yet (bit by bit its happening)

I am somewhat on a mission thats similar, my focus is my cptsd and addiction (I have culled a few before but this one is the hardest).  I have changed jobs and decided this is my focus.  I have been doing a lot of self IFS work, and with some "medicines" with help.

Things have been shifting with that focus, and its as you said, learning in essense self love, self compassion and reducing the blame and guilt, and feeling into the trauma.

a big thing for me, if i may, has been seeing the neglect is more damaging than specific trauma events, there is the single events that are painful, but the day to day abandonment is really hard

anyway, i feel encouraged by your post, as i am also putting my healing as priority number 1.  It hasnt been as life and others healings and recoveries have been in the way (sure you can relate focusing on others instead of self). 

thank you and thank you 


 

[Armee]

Putting your healing as #1 is really important for yourself and for those you love and who love you.

For a long time my motivation had to come from my desire to be good for other people (be a better daughter, be a better mom, be a better spouse, be a better worker). That got me through the hard stuff during times when I would never see myself as worth it.

I'm finally showing up in therapy for me nows too.

I wish you the best of luck with healing your trauma, shame, and addiction through kindness and compassion for what you've been through. IFS seems like a great tool for that. We just can't be truly there for ourselves or loved ones when we are consumed by guilt and shame. But it is very hard to shed. I've only succeed in this in some but not all areas of my life.

[rainydiary]

I am also currently in a place where I feel I've made growth but am also stuck again.  I am working to appreciate that this process doesn't really have an "end" rather a general trend toward things feeling good or easeful across more areas. 

I appreciate all the work we are all doing and that we have one another for support.

[johnram]

i think thats quite something, to appreciate the work you have done - i get glimmers of that too
well done!!

I am also currently in a place where I feel I've made growth but am also stuck again.  I am working to appreciate that this process doesn't really have an "end" rather a general trend toward things feeling good or easeful across more areas. 

I appreciate all the work we are all doing and that we have one another for support.