When did your CPTSD first become known?

[noname]

Hello Everyone,
I have come and gone from this forum thoughout the past several months.  I read some, and then ponder.  I've been coming back more frequently lately, because I feel like I've hit a plateau, and I'm not sure what to do/read/say.  I'm feeling very restless.

The main thing on my mind is my marriage (still).  I have concluded that my FOO made it possible for me to willing enter into this relationship, thinking it was good and "normal".  The thing is, it's not good and normal, but I still can't decide if it's worth hanging in there or not. 

So the question on my mind, as I continue to try to understand this diagnosis, is when/how did each of you start to experience symptoms related to CPTSD?   

My experience is that I did not have any symptoms until maybe a few years ago...and then they were so mild that one would probably not even notice them.  I sure didn't.  It really started when, after an argument with my husband, a "switch flipped", and I haven't felt the same since.  That was when I started having obvious symptoms.

It just keeps bringing me to the conclusion that my husband caused my CPTSD, therefore I need to get out of this marriage.  I did experience trauma in my childhood though, so why did CPTSD lie dormant for 20+ years?

I feel like I have no inner compass when it comes to this.  I've made great strides in other areas, and my compass seems strong there.  I have a blind spot that I'm trying to shine some light one, and thought maybe hearing from others would help.

Thanks!

[C.]

Welcome back.  I read what you wrote and feel like I identify so strongly w/your experience.

I see great strength in your awareness of how you feel and have felt, and about your childhood and new awareness emerging about your marriage.  Also in the fact that you've excelled in areas of your life.

For me the "switch" wasn't flipped until I learned about my husband's infidelity.  And until then, like you, I had very little obvious symptoms.  Off and on irritability and depression. 

As you know C-PTSD is brought on by chronic emotional abuse and neglect.  So an unhealthy marriage can be one of the causes.  I had to end my marriage in order to heal.  I was in a constant EF around him. I still need to avoid contact 3 1/2 years later.

I look at the chronic abuse and neglect as life stages.  For me there were the first 18 yrs of chronic abuse/neglect, a period of about 5 yrs where I started to get healthier, then a 20+ yr marriage that repeated the abuse/neglect pattern unknowingly, and now 3 yrs in recovery.

I think my point is that this illness is complex.  So the causes build up over time.  There's a final straw for a lot of people, but no specific event that caused it.

I don't know how familiar you are w/Walker's book, but I sometimes wonder if a keen intellect combined w/"fawning" cause a lot of women to deny and avoid symptoms for a long time.  A lot of us have had great career or other types of success.

I think I'm trying to say that I understand your confusion about the dormant stage of this illness.  I too was so puzzled when the "switch flipped."  I guess I still am in a way.  Personally I find consolation in a sense of hope, an inner belief of acceptance of life circumstances.  Not an excuse, simply acceptance.