Not sure where I'm going

[Chaos rains]

I really want to start this journal, but not sure how, where to start. There's still a part of me that isn't sure I belong here. Intellectually I know I belong, but there's a nagging voice saying I'm making mountains out of molehills. And it's really hard for me to write. It's like a door just closes in my brain and I can no longer access what I wanted to say. I recall that once I dissociated in mid-sentence in front of friend. As I stood there, frozen, with my mind somewhere far away and nowhere at the same time, my friend joked that, "sometimes Chaos just goes away." He said it kindly and I was not bothered at all. It was true and still is to some degree.

So that is happening a little bit now. I want to talk about my therapy. I have a *wonderful* therapist now who is practicing Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy with me and it has helped a great deal with the dissociating and I am able to write about the past a bit more now. I am also feeling less critical of myself. I really have spent most of my life believing that if I were only a little more resilient, a little more motivated, a little more *something*, that I would be just fine because it wasn't that bad growing up.

But I think it was that bad, though. NPD mom was a perfectionist about everything. I was born imperfect. I had a physical deformity that was very obvious when I was born, but turned out to be mostly correctable. Something along the lines of, say, a cleft lip, which can be surgically corrected but is still a little noticeable. I know it was a big deal to her because she would tell people (in front of me) that when she was pregnant with her second child she didn't care if it was a boy or a girl, only that it was HEALTHY. Even as a very small child I understood that it was because I was not not healthy when I was born. I never did anything correctly or up her standards. Ever. She never missed an opportunity to let me know how wrong, stupid, ugly, fat, clumsy, ungrateful, and selfish I was and how I didn't deserve any of the nice things I had.

The toughest part was the loneliness. As a kid she kept me very isolated and without any kind of healthy relationships modeled for me, I had no idea how to behave with other people. So I behaved like her: mean, disapproving, quick to anger, looking for people's vulnerabilities and then trying to hurt them there. Of course no one liked me! I wondered a lot how people knew what to say to each other, how they made friends, how they got along so well. I ended up dropping out of high-school, pregnant and then a single mom at a really early age. Even into my 30's I would cry myself to sleep out of loneliness and deep desire for *someone* to love me. For a long time I was sure I was autistic because I just didn't get social interactions at all.

Gosh, I've made a lot of progress. Somehow I pulled myself together enough to go back to school. Then I moved thousands of miles away from her about 30 years ago, but I didn't really understand the depth of the damage she caused until maybe about five years ago. I've been in therapy, on and off, since I was 15 but mostly because of my anxiety and intractable depression. A psychiatrist once diagnosed me with dysthymia due to my mother, but even then I didn't fully get it.  I still thought that if I were just a little tougher I could have dealt with it and I was just doomed to being a depressed loser forever. Sometimes I would wonder if all that therapy and all those anti-depressants were a waste of time and money, or as "she" insisted, just an excuse to not get my act together. But writing this now I see that it hasn't been.

I am in such a better place now and NPDm just hates that. The last time I saw her she was still hateful and critical of everything and everyone that ever meant anything to me. She is quite old and can't scream at me any more, but she has really honed that meanness to a fine point...just so bitter and nasty. I went no contact after that, about six months ago, and since then have had a number of revelations. Getting to know little-me and middle-me has been amazing and helped me start thinking, without my brain shutting down, about how life was for them.

This is waaaay longer than I had intended so I am going to stop now. I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with all of this, but looking forward to it anyways!

Thanks for being here, everyone!

[paul72]

hi Chaos
Thank you for sharing part of your story here. I hope you find the journal writing supportive in your recovery
Congratulations on so much progress too!!!!
I think you belong here just fine

[sanmagic7]

anyone who can write what you wrote, make the progress you've made belongs here, chaos, at least in my mind.  glad you shared.  hope being here continues to help you with your progress.  sending love and a gentle hug if you like.

[Armee]

I'm glad you are here, and relieved for you that you've been able to go no contact.

[CactusFlower]

Thanking you for opening up with all that, it was very brave, and welcome! Here's hoping going no contact just continues to help you. Gentle hugs if you want them and I look forward to learning more about you.

[Not Alone]

Thank you for sharing. I had many thoughts and feelings as I read what you posted. I felt sad for what you've been through and angry at your mother. I would like to affirm, yes, what you went through was really bad. I also want to give you a big  for all the work and progress that you have made.

[Chaos rains]

Thank you all for the very kind words. It is sometimes hard for me recognize kindness -- I literally have a blind spot -- so I am pleased that I can recognize all of your kindnesses. As I've felt a little less broken lately, I've had the energy to start thinking a little bit about what I've missed in life which shoots me right back at depression. It's a vicious cycle. I feel less depressed about myself, so I can see clearly enough to see how sad and lonely my earlier life was, how abnormal it was and how so many other people could see and how no one helped. And I wonder what it would have been like if I'd been allowed even a shred of dignity, or even semi-consistent positive regard by anyone at all. And then my heart sinks because there's nothing to do but grieve. Because however much progress I make now, those years are gone. And I can't get them back or atone for them. Because I have not been a good person. My sole role model was so mean and hateful, and that is what I learned. It was shocking to have other people react negatively to me when I was just acting "normal." As I called it. It just puts another crack in my heart.

So, after that bit of drama, what I can say is this: I broke the cycle. My mom is a full-blown WHATTA BOUT MEEEEEEE narc. Her mom was, too, but more of the waify, needy, barfly sort. Long line of PD's, including me. I am almost a classic borderline, but I recently learned I actually have cPTSD and whole bunch of the pieces of my past are suddenly fitting together. But my point (and I do have one), is that my mom and her mom didn't give a nanosecond of thought to what their behavior might be doing to their kiddos. So NPD begats NPD begats BPD, but really, now cPTSD.

Its so hard to break the behaviors imprinted on you as a child. I think a good deal of my anger stems from always being the subject of someone's anger. (though no doubt some is righteous anger), but I think a whole lot of it just that I thought it was how one was supposed to behave! I wanted to change but I didn't have a healthy person to model myself after. But ... I did have a model of what I DIDN'T want to be, so I worked with that and raised my son by thinking WWSD, "What Would She Do," in any given circumstance, and then I'd do the opposite. And it kind of worked!

My adult son is kind, sweet, socially adept, successful in family and career,funny, joyful, and loving. He's *perfect* (give me a break, he is my kid, after all!  ) -- And my granddaughter is very happy, carefree, smart, and deeply, deeply loved. I broke the cycle, and that's not nothing.

Well, this did not go at all as I expected. I came here to tell you about my pathological fear of being laughed at. Of course no one likes that, but it has crippled parts of my life and made it impossible to advance much in my career. I will tell that story next time. Right now, I got myself into a nice place by thinking about son and the contrast between him and my FOO, and I can see the what my lost potential might have looked like, and I'm ok with it right now because, in way, it did come to fruition. So I'm just going to go bask in that for a bit.

Thank you for reading. It's special to be able to share these scattered thoughts with others. Thank you.

[sanmagic7]

thank you for sharing.  as far as i can see, there is nothing about you or what you wrote to laugh at.  instead, admiration is appropriate for turning this around - the generations of PD's and how they treated people, including you.  but your courage and determination show as you fought your way through it and beyond it to a place where you are finding out about your true self rather than the self that was perpetrated upon you by others. 

love and hugs, chaos.   

[Not Alone]

I broke the cycle, and that's not nothing.

That is life-giving to your child and grandchild.

[Chaos rains]

I grew up in a beautiful location, one of those places people go on vacation. I happen to be here myself on vacation right now though I am in no way interacting with my family of origin. I left here decades ago, moved thousands of miles away, to get away from them. Ironically, a really good job offer brought my son back here so I am visiting him now.

Today I was standing on hill in the sunshine looking out over an impossibly blue ocean, feeling terrible that I ever left such a wonderful place. But I had to. I had to save myself and my son. He was so young then. All I knew was that I had to get as far away as possible before they destroyed him like they destroyed me. And. I had to leave to meet my husband. But the choices I made back then led to an unfulfilling and stunted career. I am both an over- and under-achiever. I have an advanced degree in a difficult scientific field in which there are few women, but I've never made it work for me and, now at retirement age, I can't retire because I don't make enough money. I could never pursue my dreams because I have none. I was always just trying to exist in a very, very confusing world. I am so emotionally stunted that I still don't understand how most relationships work.

Meeting my husband was a big step forward, though. Like me, he is from a family that diminished him in every way possible. But now he is the only one of his siblings to have a life. In both of our families, all our siblings are heavy substance abusers and either homeless or scamming someone for a place to live. He and I are the sole survivors of bad situations and bad people. I had to meet someone who understood me at that level before I could have a truly healthy relationship.

I found myself crying so hard on that hill. It was an intense EF, so desperate and terrifying and utterly confusing. It's so hard for me to figure these things out. I want so much to live in this beautiful place, near my son and his family. I am no longer in contact with my FOO and they have no power over me anyways, but I could never afford to live here because I've been so professionally unsuccessful. I kept thinking about the choices I made at every crossroad of my life and how stupid each and every one was. But that's so selfish of me. Because those same choices created opportunities for my son to thrive in ways he would not have otherwise. My entire life has felt like unfair choices I've had to make, without having the proper tools to make them.

I admire my husband so much, how he survived gross neglect as a child and how he worked so damn hard to not sink in the mire of his family. I finally came around to think that, maybe, I could give a little bit of that credit to myself as well? Maybe. It helped calm me down. I don't think I'll ever not feel like a failure. It was drilled into me for so long that everything about me was disappointing and wrong.

My son could tell that I'd been crying but he didn't ask beyond "are you ok?"  I might tell him. He knows some of the story, but not so much of my current struggles trying to make sense of my life. I don't want to be a bummer while I'm here, I don't know. Maybe it'll make more sense in the morning.

[Armee]

I think there's strength and beauty in being vulnerable including with our children. i think it also helps break the cycle further, if we are open with our own emotions. Whatever you decide tomorrow will be right though.

I love how you are thinking of extending some of that admiration you have for your hubby toward yourself too.  You deserve loads of credit for all you've done and accomplished even if it isn't the same level of success you expected to achieve. We were all working at a huge deficit. Just surviving is huge. To have made it in a science career that is dominated by men is a success.

[Hope67]

Hi Chaos Rains,
I wanted to say that I'm glad that you've joined this community, here on Out of the Storm.  I related to things you wrote very much.  I wanted to thank you for sharing what you have. 

Hope