is it wrong?

[Larry]

is it wrong to want to hunt down my abusive f,  and return the abuse?  i can't stop thinking about what i want to do.  i have tries to find him,  he might have died,  how do i get closure ?  i want to confront him,  i want to let him know how much of my youth he took from me,  how many things i didn't get to experience.    how much * he put me through,   i am in so much pain everyday.     i want to make him feel that pain,  i am not a bad person,   i try to help everyone and make everyone's day a little brighter,  but that guy.    i am so angry, scared and confused.   i don't want christmas to ever happen again

[paul72]

Hi Larry
I'm so sorry for the pain you are in.
I don't think you are a bad person at all... just in pain.
I'm not really sure how/when my anger towards my parents subsided...
I did write a few letters to them that I found extremely helpful (none sent). It was amazing to me to see how much more anger I had towards my F than my M (still cant figure that one out ha) but I do think they helped me see how where my hurt/pain was focused if that makes sense?
I just know none of this is easy and anger is going to pop it's head in sometimes...
Please know that you're a good person and try to take some extra time and care for yourself today. You have earned it.. if only for asking the tough questions
I hope you find a little peace today.

[Kizzie]

I think it's quite normal to want to hurt our abusers back and it doesn't make you a bad person to be feeling that way, acting on it though is another thing entirely. Heaps of legal problems if/when we do and then there's the matter of would we feel good afterward?  Maybe for a while but that would fade I suspect. 

One thing lots of members do is to write a letter to their abuser(s) and say what they need to say in it. We do have a letters section here but based on our guidelines it cannot contain anything about hurting the other person, It's meant to be a letter that expresses your hurt and pain and anger. 

Hope this helps.

[Larry]

thank you paul and kizzie

[Armee]

I think I've mentioned before that I found writing a letter to my (dead) father very cathartic. And as Paul notes, it can help pinpoint what the main issue is.

For most of us, whether we can have those words with our parents physically or not, it makes nondifference at all. It doesn't feel better because they can't receive it and feel or express empathy or regret. This is why many of us have cPTSD because our parents had no capacity for a normal human relationship. I had much more closure writing a letter to my dad than in all the conversations I tried to have with my mom in the 6 cancer filled years leading to her slow and predictable death. There was no resolution to be had that involved her. It was just between myself and my support system.

[Larry]

i'm sorry ,  i should not have started this thread,  i was having a bad time last night.  i am trying to deal with things in a healthier way.  i appreciate all of the support,  you are all amazing

[Armee]

Oh gosh. I'm sorry if the way I worded my response made you feel you should not have expressed your feelings here. I'm glad you come here and get it out. We've all had many many of those moments where the pain and emotion just felt so utterly overwhelming and just like it needs to come out and be heard by someone and those nights, or weeks, when we are in a flashback and things feel a million times worse than they do when we finally snap out of it.

I only meant to reassure you a bit that the business you have is really with yourself and your loved ones, not with your ***** dad and that writing a letter here really actually can help. If you confront someone like our parents,  what you get back from them will make you feel worse. Writing a letter lets you express what you have to say without a painful reaction in response. 

I know sometimes it is too much. I was able to write one to my dad because he was not part of my life so the list of hurts although very very hurtful, was relatively small and straightforward.

I never could write something to my mom because where would I even start. So maybe that's how you are feeling about writing a letter to your dad. 

[woodsgnome]

You needn't feel apologetic for venting your sincere anger, Larry.   In effect, your words here were a sort of letter to your abuser, just in an indirect form. This harmed no one, but you were able to recognize feeling a tad better, too. That's admirable, despite your misgivings about just having thoughts. Thoughts happen, but that's all that has to occur.

Thoughts of revenge are quite natural, but this process is always about helping yourself first. Your f's abuses were so senseless that direct revenge might just make him feel okay for the things he did.

The best revenge may sound odd, but loving yourself better seems the best response; and that's what you've been trying to discover here, from everything you've shared. Finding your own way to be at peace with yourself would be the best form of revenge; it's not about him, but about you.

[Larry]

it was anything you said armee,  i just feel a little embarrrased and immature.  i said stupid things when i am angy and drinking. 
thank you woodsgnome,  i know you are right,  i need to find a way to accept and love myself. 

i really appreciate everyone here.  i am still learning,  all the support has helped so much

[Kizzie]