Not Doing So Well

[Dante]

I didn't really even realize it, but for the last several weeks, I haven't been doing so well.  I've made such an enormous amount of progress since finding this site, and with help from you all, and I guess I didn't want to admit to myself that maybe I'd slipped back a bit.  I've struggled with addiction for so long, and I thought I'd gotten a handle on it.  I went for a while without it, then thought maybe I'd found a "balance", but that's been spiraling deeper and deeper.  I'm in a dark place.  I'm angry (at myself, at the world for making me this way, at others who contribute their own unhealthiness to my own), I'm ashamed that I still have these weaknesses, I'm sad, and I'm scared that I'll never get better.  I just wanted to own that here this morning.

For a variety of reasons that I've come to realize, this turns out to be a hard time of the year for me.  I think that may have something to do with it, so I'm hoping it will pass soon.  But for now, I'm not doing so well.

[Armee]

Hi Dante,

That's really hard to see and admit and I really appreciate the openness here. It's so hard to see when we are slipping and own it. How long does this tough season last for you?

I wish you weren't having such a tough time and I wish that our desire to feel better were enough to make it so.

If hugs are comforting, one is below...

[Kizzie]

I'm ashamed that I still have these weaknesses, I'm sad, and I'm scared that I'll never get better.  I just wanted to own that here this morning.

Revealing this to us and owning it is courageous Dante.  I know in my recovery journey sometimes the realization of  what happened to me would become overwhelming and I just wanted to push it away, numb myself again.  The more we look at our pain face on, the more we realize just how much pain we've been in and how scared we are of never climbing out of it. Those have been my darkest moments in recovery too. 

One thing that helped me is something I got from Pete Walker's book.  That is, in those moments take time to reflect back on where you were when you started recovery to where you are now to see the progress you've made.  It flips things from seeing a long road ahead to the road already traveled and where that has brought you if that makes sense. 

For example, in the past would you have been able to share what you did today? You have carved out a place  where you can be open here, but being open is painful and hard and takes so much out of us. I found taking breaks was a way of giving myself permission to step away and let things settle and gel so I wasn't feeling overwhelmed and submerged in pain so much of the time.

Maybe you need a bit of a break too?

 

[Papa Coco]

Kizzie, that's really good advice. 

When we face our demons, they face us back. That can be seriously overwhelming if we try to take on too many demons at once. Your advice, to take breaks, is sound advice that we can forget to consider when we're trying to get better as fast as we can. You don't become strong by living for 12 hours a day lifting weights at the gym. You work hard at the gym for an hour. Lifting the weights tears down muslce and causes pain. The body building happens during the next two days of rest and healing. Then you go back to the gym and give it another hour of hard work and pain, then give yourself another two days of healing rest.

You've made me think, that the resting period between each epiphanous learning moment is where the real healing happens.

[Larry]

Hi Dante,  you have been so helpful for me,  i wish i could return that,  i am just not really good at saying things.  Please be good to yourself.    you are an amazing person !

[Dante]

Thank you (Armee, Kizzie, Papa Coco and Larry) all for your support and understanding.  I'm seriously getting a little teary eyed, and that's not easy for me to do.

I appreciate the advice, maybe something to think on.  I know I'm approaching recovery like I approach everything.  I fawn first, but if fawning fails, I fight like a berserker with a battle axe.  Maybe it's time to just take a break, just for a little bit.  I am tired...

[Larry]

taking a break might be good for you.  hopefully you can get some rest

[Dante]

Thank you all for your support.  It was freeing to admit that after a period of moving forwards, I was moving backwards.  I had a quiet day yesterday, free of self destruction (mostly - eating is still a problem, but baby steps).  That's one day down.  The first 3 I know from lots of years of experience are the hardest.

Taking a break is probably a good idea, but I'm not ready for it yet.  I feel like I'm not at a stable place.  Maybe soon.

[Not Alone]

Dante, I hear you. As much as you are able, please be kind to yourself.

[Armee]

It's ok to not be ready for a break. Maybe you need more support. Just pay attention to how you feel as you take on different activiities...does reading other people's stuff make you feel better or worse? Do certain types of replies make me feel better or worse? Etc.

I'm sorry you ar struggling a lot right now.

[Kizzie]

For sure, not taking a break is totally up to you.  I suppose I mentioned it because that's what helped me (as someone who typically charges ahead into the fight guns a blazing). But I am not you and you of course need to do whatever feels best for you. 

We're here for you 

[Dante]

Thank you all again for your support.

With the help of a trusted friend, I have had a major breakthrough this weekend, and I think I might be ready to rest a bit.

I don't trust counselors, they've never worked for me - especially the one who made me as part of my therapy go *apologize* to the church that ostracized me for being angry with them - wasn't even the same priest, and the guy was baffled as to what I was doing there.  I had never come across the concept of co-counseling until Pete Walker's book, but it is working for me, and with that trusted friend, I (and I believe, my friend) have made amazing progress in a short time.  Eminently painful, hence the original not-doing-so-well-post, but I am now 3 days sober from my most destructive self-medicating behaviors.

Thank you all for being so supportive - it's made all the difference. 

[Kizzie]

Oh Dante, that's just wonderful to hear, I am so happy for you. Well done!        

[Larry]

congratulations on 3 days sober !!  I admire your strength !!

[Larry]

Hi Dante,  how are you doing ?