Of course it's worth it!

[Chart]

Hey BB, We're running on parallel roads today. I'm just hoping for the stinkin' ef to pass. Tomorrow's gonna be hard. But you're right. Little things are good. And at least it's something. Maybe I'll try singing too...
 

[Blueberry]

Re-reading this https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14629.msg118556#msg118556 helpful for me rn.

[Chart]

Thanks BB, yeah that's helpful. It's funny how we can know so much, like I know this will pass, but when I'm "in it" it feels eternal. Van der Kolk mentions this, the "time-stopping" of traumatic events and their flashbacks.

But I'm following your advice... little things. Tomorrow is another day.
 

[Blueberry]

These days I tend to write on my private Journal over at Member Journals.

But today I decided to write here.

My days have turned into nights and my nights into days, tho tomorrow morning (or rather this morning) I have trauma therapy and have to leave the house fairly early.

I have a lot of therapy behind me - trauma therapy, non-trauma therapy, inpatient, outpatient, weeks-long, months-long, years-long - the whole works. It feels to me as if I'm purposefully allowing myself to sink as far as possible. I don't think anybody can help me in anyway until I decide that I want to come back up and that of course it's worth taking those steps! or at least a few more steps daily than I'm now doing.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I think there are people in a way worse state than me, I mean people who haven't had the access to therapy that I've had. I'm pushing my own limits, waiting to see when I really and truly fall and how I get out of that. My image of myself is leaning way, way out over some drop-off with only a thin rope stopping me from falling into the blackness below. The thin rope is really stretched tho not quite to breaking point. Until that real fall/downward plummet, I don't think anybody can help me. My occupational therapist is some help in a kind of week-to-week way tho unfortunately he had to cancel this week. He gets me to concentrate on the good/helpful stuff I've done in the preceding week.

I'm not actually going to do anything to myself because my reaction has been 'doing nothing': giving up, sleeping, reading. There have been times in the past when I could promise to keep to a rough semi-healthy daily schedule - including getting up sometime in the morning and going to bed sometime before 2am. But the only thing I'm willing to commit to these days is not doing anything to myself, only because I know I won't. Maybe I would be doing better under the care of a different trauma therapist? But I don't have a different one. I have the current one.

Inpatient again has been suggested, my current trauma T agreed that could be a good idea but my feeling is I'd go into Fight and blow up the inpatient place by scaring or annoying most of the rest of the patients. Been there, done that. That happens out of some sort of desperation.

The other image I have of myself atm is this whole smorgasbord of helpful, useful, beautiful things I could be doing (beautiful like working with colour and singing) and helpful/useful - all those many many tools in my trauma First Aid Kit, but I'm just Not Doing Any.

[Blueberry]

Decided to save previous post before my computer took a nose-dive.

I'm just not taking the necessary responsibility for myself atm, unless leaning way way out into that thin rope to see what happens or when it eventually breaks is in some way being responsible for myself. I do intend to say some of this in my trauma T appt. I'd like to be honest.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you san    

In hindsight now that I'm doing better, I'd say I've been involved in this healing gig long enough to know I'll come back up to the surface with new insights and some ideas for moving forwards again when the time is right. Of course a number of my good friends on this forum remind me of this regularly when I'm stuck in an EF or wherever it is I am.

I had a really good talk with my therapist today. She's agreed to let me lower the frequency of my sessions as a trial with a couple of very basic provisos for physical health - if those aren't covered, then I have to get in touch fast but otherwise a 3-week break till next session. I feel as if something has lightened, as if I had been carrying a heavy load that has slipped off my shoulders. That heavy load was I think my own expectations of what I want to achieve from week to week and particularly to show up to my session saying "I arranged this this and this that we spoke about and now I'm doing them weekly". I said at the end that I thought it had been a very fruitful session. She intimated that was high praise because her impression is that I expect more from myself and the session than she expects from me. Psych doc said similar last time too - that maybe I'm simply expecting too much of myself and of my progress.

Partly my expectations of myself and my progress are fed by fear: what happens when my therapy is no longer covered?? That's going to happen sometime. So I don't want to have the feeling that I'm wasting away my sessions dithering around and not getting on with things. In a way, that's really good progress. Way back, there were therapists who expected me to do a lot on my own or find friends to confide in (great, confide your trauma...) but the emphasis was on finding places outside therapy including weekend retreats elsewhere, 12 Step meetings etc, there's only so much we can do in therapy, combined with 'more therapy doesn't speed up progress'... That may be true, but it was difficult. And now the impulse is coming from me: I think I can manage pretty well (or not any worse than in the last few months) between sessions, allowing things to evolve. So we'll see.

With the feeling of things lightening, I was then able to take some concrete steps today, albeit small steps in part, but still I was able! That's so much more than Mon, most of Tues and all of Wed and Thurs this week!

I'm pleasantly surprised by my trauma T (not for the first time) because I'm expecting (maybe even provoking a little??) a response like "You're pushing boundaries too much, so you have to promise X otherwise it's obvious you're not taking this seriously and you're wasting my time and health insurance money, so go find some other therapist", but she's not responding that way at all! She's gentle, I think. Undoubtedly I could do with that to learn to be more gentle with and less demanding of myself. There is more to say on this, it's clear in mind but I'm not getting it into coherent words on paper so to speak.

Anyway, I have direction again for forwards movement

[Chart]

Blueberry, reading what you wrote makes me think to what point we continue treating ourselves like foo treated us. This was severe conditioning, and breaking out of it is a process. Sounds like you have good people around you therapeutically that are supporting your transition. The work is being done. Just have to fight the feelings that indicate the reverse.
 

[Blueberry]

Blueberry, reading what you wrote makes me think to what point we continue treating ourselves like foo treated us. This was severe conditioning, and breaking out of it is a process. Sounds like you have good people around you therapeutically that are supporting your transition. The work is being done. Just have to fight the feelings that indicate the reverse.
 

Thanks Chart, those are good thoughts. Especially the severe conditioning and that breaking out of it is a process. And that the work is being done. ie. I'm doing the work

________________

The weekend was a little shaky again but I did manage to arrange some crutches for myself for Sunday evening to make sure I'd actually do what I intended. I managed and then what I was doing helped me get myself kind of sorted, which then helps me keep going. I also had contact with others and was outside, which is healthy obviously.

I got quite a bit done today, I was outside doing various jobs as well as inside. Haven't done much outside in the past month or so, lay in bed shaking instead. Today I even enjoyed it.

[Armee]

Haven't done much outside in the past month or so, lay in bed shaking instead.

Aw Blueberry. This is so sad. I feel so much compassion for that part of yourself that lays in bed and shakes.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your compassion for this part of me. If I try and feel into this Part, I can sense she is closed down, frozen maybe, so that makes sense about lying in bed, shaking. If shaking, then I guess she's not completely frozen :lightbulb:  Still, thank you for commenting because it's only now in response that I tried to feel into this Part, which is a step forwards.

_________

I did manage to arrange some crutches for myself

I note this could be a little confusing, both for other mbrs and myself later on. The "crutches" I'm talking about is making use of somebody else as a support so I'll actually do the thing intended.