How does one accept their caregivers actions?

[woodsgnome]

Acceptance, for me, NEVER implies any sort of allowance for the traumatic actions we were victimized by. For me, acceptance only means that certain things occurred, in the past tense. While I can never change them, the acceptance part is only an acknowledgment of incidents that did happen, even if I find them deplorable. But now they're only in the rear-view mirror -- I can't break the presence of that past but I can keep noticing that they're at least receding from my immediate sight. That's what I accept -- ONLY this noticing, but not the original pain and/or people who did inexcusable things.

Distant as those times have become, I still grieve these every day. That what happened has caused deep wounding goes without saying. I'll never accept the actions of those who dragged me through decades of pure *, who played havoc with my body, mind, and whole being.

I survived, but just barely. Only in retrospect can the word 'acceptance' be honestly applied. Bottom line is knowing that those things now only appear in the past tense. I accept keeping them there, and to celebrate being free to grpw into   a present/future self who can see and/or at least dream beyond the old story and at last dare to urn forwards.

The loss and grief you speak of, Johnram, have never left me. I would feel bad if my use of the word 'acceptance' implied any allowance or understanding of what took place -- only that it did; and I'm now on the other side, albeit with many leftover effects. The whole thing about cptsd is that it was senseless then, and remains so now. I can't accept what happened, only that I've finally begun to experience some sense of feeling free to create my new story of hope alongside the leftover grief.

[storyworld]

I know this post was posted a long time ago, but it fits where I'm at now, so I thought I'd comment. I totally get this. I have long lived with an "ideal" version of someone, and I find myself clinging so firmly to this version I have an inner voice that calls me a liar when I even entertain that memories might be real. This is even after a sibling confirmed aspects of memory. And as I contemplate allowing certain memories to be real, I am finding the grieving of this ideal person feels harder than processing through what occurred. In my situation, I find it easier to deal with things that occurred due to this person losing their temper. That feels easier to understand than times in which the person may have been intentionally cruel. I believe because, while part of me understands this individual isn't capable of love, in the way most would define it, I still cling to the idea that this person did love me but didn't know how to self-regulate. But I struggle to reconcile my claims that they loved me with memories of what seemed to be intentional cruelty.

I am finding some help using "parts" language with myself (Internal Family Systems). This is allowing me to gain enough distance from the part of me that claims certain memories are true and what this might mean in terms of this particular individual, without feeling like a terrible person for even entertaining the idea. But even typing this now triggers deep sadness. I suppose it is similar to grieving a death, even if it is the death of a fantasy.