intro for me :)

[paul72]

Hi,
My name is Paul, I'm 49 years old, happily married with 2 beautiful girls (15 and 20).
I'm really thankful for finding this site! I've fantasized so many times about finding and sharing with people that would understand me.
Of course, I never really put myself out there to try.
Thank you for being such a kind, understanding group!

My trauma started as a baby.... I suffer from flashbacks as that little baby...
It continued all growing up.... every day I hurt for that little boy so much.
I have been no contact with my parents for 8 years. It's impossible to describe any of this briefly, so I'll fast forward
I was introduced to Somatic healing by a therapist cousin, she told me to read Waking The Tiger. Such an exceptional read and I found myself being described perfectly, for the first time ever. It was a painful read that took me months but it did lead to a powerful moment of remembrance, yet one where I was able to kick and fight. It was, what I thought,  a pretty significant move forward in my healing.
I guess I am just realizing that while this work is good, I am no where near done, and maybe won't ever be.
I want to see the finish line, and the wonderful things that come out of the pain.
Sometimes it feels like I get a glimpse of it, but it always seems to follow with more days of struggles.
Nobody wants to stay broken, but that's where I am at.
I value so much everyone's sharing... there's real comfort in hearing about tools, feelings, successes, and struggles that I am not alone with.

I wish you all peace and love

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your introduction and am glad you are here.

[woodsgnome]

 

Welcome! Finding your way here indicates you're ready to up the ante a bit and explore ways to move forward. Hopefully you'll find materials, read about experiences, and share reflections amongst a group of people who've also been on this lonely trek.

[Not Alone]

Welcome, Paul. 

[paul72]

Thank you Not Alone, woodsgnome and rainydiary for your welcomes 
I like your reply woodsgnome... that's a good way to look at it

[Armee]

Welcome, Paul. You are not alone. It's comforting to be someplace where people understand.

I'm sorry those things happened to you. You deserved to be loved and cared for. I'm relieved to read you are no contact. That can't be easy but neither is staying In relationship with people who hurt you.

[dollyvee]

Hi Paul,

Welcome and hope you find what you need to help heal here 

dolly

[paul72]

thank you Armee and dollyvee
I appreciate everyone's kindness

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Paul  This is a very warm and supportive community so glad you found us (and we you) 

[paul72]

Thank you so much Kizzie - I am so grateful to be here

[Larry]

Hi Paul,   

[bluepalm]

Welcome Paul and thank you for your introduction. You mention wanting to see the 'finish line' and say "Nobody wants to stay broken, but that's where I am at".  These words resonated with me.

After having similar wishes for a long time, and having experienced this struggle for a couple of decades longer than you, I have come to the conclusion that there is, for me, no 'finish line' with CPTSD and that I will remain 'broken' for the duration of my life - but that's OK. I'm healing all the time. I'm working on my 'brokenness' all the time and that in itself is a worthy endeavour. Coming to this conclusion has enabled me to relax more into the work and see it is part of my being alive, a part that I share with those many people who are similarly injured. Being part of this Forum community has been central to my healing journey and I hope it is for you too. I look forward to hearing more of your story.

[paul72]

thank you Larry and bluepalm
what a wonderful perspective bluepalm.. thank you for that!