Fighting depression

[Jdog]

I am coming to terms with my depression and fighting it the best I can.  I survived an EF this past week having to do with my Mom's death anniversary - brought up guilt over the terrible nursing home she was in at the end of her life and then the stress over finances that endured for almost a year after she passed.  My T reminded me that I did the best I could for her with the knowledge I had at the time, and that is true.  I never intended for her to be in substandard conditions, it's just that it was our only option given the circumstances.  But still, it left a mark on me - only child and all, codependent, etc.

So I am finally aware that both my parents suffered from depression and I have been keeping mine under wraps.  My wife is now going through depression as a result of a physical injury that keeps her from working much and I'm sure that is influencing my mood.  I go to the gym ( big help), go to teach (another help), and today I will see my wonderful bodywork specialist, so looking forward to that.  Saw my T on Tuesday - hardly ever see her anymore as I am doing ok figuring out things for myself with email assistance from her.  It was good seeing her in person. 

I'm going to figure this out and move through it.  It just sucks at the moment.  Thanks for reading.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Jdog, I hear the pain you are in and my heart goes out to you.  I can relate to guilt over doing the best I can at the time for someone I love who suffered.  I know how painful and unresolved that can feel.  What helped me was to write letters to them and talk to them in a prayer-like way.  I received insight and "answers" that have helped.

Depression is so painful, I hope yours resolves soon.  I've been in a depression now for 2 years and just came out of it last week (hopefully for good).  I'd been working so hard in therapy but it wouldn't budge.  I started using Kanna (an herb from Africa), a pinch under the tongue twice a day.  It is very robust!  The effects are felt almost immediately.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to not be depressed.  I feel like I'm living again.  You will continue to be in my heart, thoughts, and prayers 

[Jdog]

Thank you so much for your very kind words, suggestions, and prayers.  I am quite a fighter and know that I will learn a lot from this and come out on top.  Support from you surely helps.  I had a good workout this morning, emailed my therapist, and ate a healthy breakfast.  Now, on to the travails of teaching teenagers....

[Kizzie]

It sounds like you are giving yourself some great self-care JDog and in the face of some very tough memories. And given that you are, I was wondering as I read what you've been dealing with if you see a difference in how you are managing nowadays than in the past?  I don't know if you've read Pete Walker's book (CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving) but he talks a lot about looking at how we handle difficult days now with how we used to. 

FWIW I was also thinking about how you might be able to some compassion for yourself to help balance the guilt over your M. If a friend of yours was going through this what would you say to them if they told you they were feeling guilty, depressed?  As Rrecovery suggests, perhaps write a letter to that friend and then give it to yourself.

We are trained to feel bad, responsible about things that are not in our control and the weight of that drags us down.  It sounds like you did do the best that you could have in less than ideal circumstances, but neevertheless it was a sad, difficult situation that would trouble anyone. Perhaps it needs to be grieved in order to let go (versus blaming yourself). 

Just some thoughts. Hope you begin to move out of this soon 

[Jdog]

Kizzie-

Thanks for the compassionate response.  Yes, I have read Pete's book and even emailed him to say what a difference it made in my life. He sent a very nice reply.  I do think I am handling this guilt and shame and overall sense of responsibility better than in the past. One dofference, though, is that I am able to let myself feel more now than ever before so sometimes there is a bigger cleanup job to be done once all the old feelings are allowed to surface. I appreciate the suggestion of writing a letter as though it were to a friend...I may try that.

Yesterday, I moved through the sadness pretty well with help from Rrecovery, by emailing my t, and just by allowing myself to interact and be playful with my high school students.  The only setback came when my partner shut me down as I was telling a story about my day during dinner.  But that is another matter and I ordered Shari Manning's book "Loving Someone with BPD" and have started reading it. Life is challenging but I do feel quite fortunate to have so many beautiful people in my world.  Thanks once again for your kindness.