Being independent

[Bermuda]

I am just going to come out and say it... I don't like my marriage.

I read this Wiki page on how to be a strong independent woman, and it was quite upsetting. They make it sound so simple, as if you just wake up each morning and make a choice to stand up for yourself and be empowered.

1. Practice assertiveness
2. Don't compare yourself to other women
3. Set clear boundaries
4. Stand up for yourself
5. Believe in yourself
6. Let people know when they have hurt your feelings
7. Address disrespectful and offensive comments
8. Learn to recognise codependency

Is it just me or is this list actually a list of how to spot a relational trauma survivor? I'm simply not an equal.

[Armee]

I hate to laugh for such a serious post but yes, that list just went through every single thing that is so hard as to be pretty much impossible. Can't even do this stuff with my therapist let alone a real person I have a normal relationship with, complete with all the risks and threats that entails.

It's certainly a good goal to work toward but not something I can just up and do like a checklist.

I'm sorry you don't Ike your marriage. That really affects so much and is tricky to navigate especially with a kid. Is this a new realization or has it been here awhile?

[Armee]

I also wanted to add...

Bermuda, you already are in many ways at your core a strong independent woman.  I've seen your posts about the difficult things you've been able to navigate and survive. Voicing that and acting as though you are worth more and better is super difficult but it doesn't change who you really are under the trauma/fear/shame veneer that helped you survive but makes accomplishing that list near impossible.

[Kizzie]

I've found that boundaries, being honest and assertive can be quite challenging Bermuda. As survivors we have to work away at it because as Armee points out we were trained over a long period of time to do the opposite. 

I always liked Pete Walker's notion that we have to wake the natural self-protective instincts we do have but that have been silenced.  For me it means they are in there but takes the pressure off having to do boundaries, etc., all at once.

The fact you have said you don't like your marriage may mean that part is waking up? 

[rainydiary]

Bermuda, I read your post the other day and could not find a way to express myself clearly. 

I think what I wanted to say is that list is difficult as it doesn't really provide actionable items.  Each of those things would need to be defined further and may or may not be something valued by each person.  It also assumes that we are somehow uniform beings which we aren't.

I wish you the best as you navigate this time.   

[Kizzie]