Feeling so alone

[Jes5ie16]

I am new to this forum. A little about myself. I was sexually abused from the age of 10 - 15 by my uncle. I was also subjected to rape at knife point in 2000. The nightmares and flashbacks are so intense and cause great distress. I am constantly jumpy and always avoid busy places as well as going out after dark as I don't feel safe

Both my uncle and the guy who raped me told me I deserved it and I still feel that way now. I constantly put myself down and feel like a failure. I do not have any support other than my therapist who I see weekly.

My family don't believe me about either the abuse or the rape which has also been tough. My friends, the ones who haven't run away just think I should be over it by now. I really wish I was. I'm beginning to think I will never get through this. It happened along time ago but I have only recently started dealing with it. My therapist has diagnosed C-PTSD. Really struggling with facing all this alone

[Jdog]

jes5ie16-

You did NOT deserve that awful treatment!!! Nobody deserves such terrible things and you are a hero for surviving this ordeal.  I am glad you are seeing a therapist, and really glad you found this forum.  As you will come to find out, there are many caring people here who will offer support and encouragement as you heal.

There is no way you should be "over it" by now, as healing is an active process that takes not only time but specific work with your inner child in a supportive environment.  It sounds like you have not had a supportive environment ( at ALL) and I am so sorry for your family and friends not being more able to listen to you and believe you.

Here at OOTS you are safe and will be supported.  Thanks for reaching out, and welcome!

[Sandals]

  Having your words and feelings invalidated can be so tough. I see you, I hear you, I feel you and I believe you.

You did not deserve what happened to you. You can give all that shame and abuse back to your uncle and rapist. There is no way that at the age of 10 you would have deserved any of that. You were innocent. You are innocent.

I hope you can find the healing and validation you long for here.

[Jes5ie16]

Thank you to you both. I feel like I'm facing a never ending battle that I can't win. I really want to be able to put this behind me and focus on my future but the triggers don't seem to let me do that. It would be great if we all had a switch so that we can turn off the memories

[no_more_fear]

A switch would be fantastic. Welcome and  by the way.

You will win this battle, you're already getting there. We all understand this terrible isolation and hopefully here you can get some of the support you deserve.

It's insensitive to say you should be over it. Something like this is never truly over, you learn to live with it. I don't mean to sound pessimistic there, I just mean that you'll learn how to handle the pain as your strength grows day-by-day. You're amazing to have come through what you have and I hope we can all offer you the support you need.

How's it going with your T?

[Trees]

Welcome Jes5ie16,

People with type I diabetes never get told that they should be over it by now.  Instead they are treated with respect as they deal with a chronic life-threatening disorder.  Those of us with CPTSD deserve that kind of respect, too, though the reality is a lot less courteous. 

I am so sorry you have been feeling so alone.  You don't deserve any of this.  You deserve kindness and respect and gentle nurturance to help you through the hard times.

I hope you will stay with us here on OOTS.  It really takes the edge off that all-alone-in-the-world feeling.  Please take good care of yourself, because that is what you deserve!