flashbacks

[paul72]

So I had a new experience [twice] yesterday
I know (or at least believe with some certainty) that my shakes are like other physical indicators to me that I'm slipping into or am already in the past.
My shakes are pretty constant .. however I have pretty rough jolts that can come with them.
Yesterday I was just sitting with my wife and I jumped maybe the most I have before and as I did, I was there, clear as can be, as a teenager with my mom standing in front of me. Like we were in the middle of some conversation except it was so brief.. lasting maybe a second or 2.
And then last night it happened again.. such a violent jolt and there's my mother, maybe 30-40 years ago in front of me... again just for a second.
These aren't like any flashbacks I've had before.
These were so quick yet so incredibly intrusive - just more sudden and out of nowhere if that makes sense.
I sometimes feel like I'm riding such a fine line between today and the past (definitely like this over the past few days) ...
I think this just showed me how close I am, when 1 unexpected jolt from my shakes puts me right there.
I can't say what was happening as they were so brief, but they weren't pleasant.
Just a little concerning... so wondering if anyone has anything reassuring to tell lol
(I don't meet my new T for two weeks and I don't know how long it'll take me to bring this one up)

Thank you.

[Armee]

These happen to me but out of the blue without triggers or in relation to shaking or anything else. It's been happening for about 3 years now. The ones that come up for me are not always brief but they are extremely limited in scope. They have come to seem like puzzle pieces and I can do nothing besides just shrug and set them aside. Eventually perhaps they will show themselves to be something or nothing. It's been important to not automatically dismiss them as nothing though. I tried that and it made them more insistent. Also being sure they are something but not knowing what has been distressing too. It's a weird balance we have to try to strike - much like trying to stay present while also accepting when we are dissociating or flashing back and not fighting it. Acceptance, open-mindedness, letting it go without ignoring it or outright being dismissive.

I'll describe mine in detail so you don't feel alone or crazy,, but it's very graphic so I've put it in white font.

Intrusive images...graphic


First as a backdrop I have aphantasia which is just a fancy name for someone who cannot visualize. Whereas most people can for example close their eyes and imagine an apple or see the face of their child, people with aphantasia do not have the ability to form mental images. Some can still have visual components to their dreams though. So I am someone who sees absolutely nothing in my mind's eye while I am awake. Until I started doing grounding exercises with my therapist I had no idea anyone could call an actual image up in their mind.

Well about 3 years ago I started having intrusive images while awake, they come out of nowhere and are not related to anything I am thinking about or feeling. I will also say although I have cptsd I am not psychotic in any way. These images also tend to come in clusters from September through November and then disappear.

The first time I saw an image I was lying in bed and all the sudden I had a crystal clear in color image of the backside of a young girl around 8, naked and bending over on bathroom tile. I do not know if it was supposed to be me. I only saw from the waist down. That was all. Then it was gone.

Then a month or so later I woke up in the middle of the night and everything was dark except a very very close up super detailed image of a penis shaft. I could not have described a penis in the level of detail I saw. The pubic hair was like under a microscope seeing each individual kink and turn. It was dark hair. The skin was dark olive tone. There were detailed veins. It came out of nowhere and was directly over my face. This was more like a hallucination because it felt like it was projected outside my body instead of in my head,  though I knew it wasn't real. The head of the penis was not visible. The rest of the week I had gagging sensations repeatedly and realized eventually the view was what I would have if it had been in my mouth.

Then another hallucination type image this time of a man standing in my bedroom doorway wildly jerking off. I could see only his torso and hand but it was dark and in shadows.

Another night I was up late playing piano and 3 times in a row a very detailed image of the face of a man who had at least in words behaved inappropriately with me when I was 14 or 15 popped into my head without thinking of him. I could not have described what he looked like before this but the image was super clear.

After that the images went away until the following fall. I actually forget what images were coming up the second year.

Last fall it started with an image that came up after I got home from therapy and was still in my car dissociating. This one was an image instead of a hallucination. The same one as a couple years before of the man Jerking off in my doorway except this time in color instead of darkness so I could see skin tone...pale, reddish toned skin, and a slight belly.

Then I was riding in the car with my husband and daughter after a lovely dinner out one night and another very detailed image of a penis appeared. This time different skin tone...pale and reddish toned, different view, different penis from the previous one. I could describe a lot about it. But it was just from shaft to tip. Mostly erect but still a little fleshy. Nothing else in the image. The next day it kept coming back while I drove my daughter around in broad daylight. Later that week my brain kept telling me it was my step dad's. Then I saw his pants at the zipper area and my brain told me the pants belonged to my stepdad and to the penis.

Then...or maybe this was shortly before...I had what felt like more of a flashback where all the sudden I was lying in a hotel bed (this is something I have a real memory of, except it deadends and I don't know exactly what happened). I was in a different position on the bed than in my memory and I saw this and felt this very clearly. Then I saw the two men and realized they were standing on either side of my head and I was wondering what they were doing there. Then I had an auditory hallucination and heard my brain cry out the word rape. Then my brain barked at me and the image dissipated.

Later that week I kept having physical sensations of my arms being forced above my head and was dissociating badly.

In between there are various nightmares of sexual assault and rapes, some with physical sensations that feel very real and some pretty horrifying.

The first year I was completely distressed by these images. I didn't know what they were, why they were happening, or if I was going crazy. Because they did not match any memories I beat myself up, alternating between feeling extremely distressed that either something awful happened or nothing happened and I am just anxious and crazy. It felt really terrible to be trapped by those two extremes. Over time I've been better able to hold both possibilities...that maybe something like this did happen or maybe they hold a different meaning and purpose. But I have begun opening up more to my T who is able to validate after so many of these things that yes something  happened. What, we don't know and maybe it's not something as terrible as it seems. But other times especially describing a few nightmares he's been more forceful that there is something there from my childhood. Those times have been pretty uncharacteristic for him and shook me a bit.

But I'll say after three years of practice handling these things I can now ride them out without being too distressed. Of course they affect me for a few days but I don't feel compelled to figure it out or to call myself crazy or anxious or accuse myself of making stuff up. I do not know they mean. They don't add up and they don't match memories. Although I have experienced a few assaults of a more mild nature, they don't appear related to these images. The different images also don't match each other. They don't fit. None of it fits. So they are just there. I get walloped with them a few months a year and then they go away.

[paul72]

Hi Armee  thank you
I'm sorry this happens to you!
I appreciate you sharing this with me, your responses to them are incredibly helpful to me.
I always try to figure stuff out.. I have a hard time otherwise... but I'm going to maybe put this aside for now if I can and not feel so compelled to.
It was definitely nerve-racking... like "oh great something new" ... but that doesn't necessarily mean it's destructive or can't be of some value later on even.
Anyway.. thank you again for your support.
Not being terribly distressed about them is pretty well done too .. you're awesome .. and encouraging.

[Armee]

your responses to them are incredibly helpful to me.
I always try to figure stuff out.. I have a hard time otherwise... but I'm going to maybe put this aside for now if I can and not feel so compelled to.

You'll probably need to spend some time obesessing on them and wondering what they mean and getting a bit worried too. That's part of the journey, too, so don't beat yourself up if you obsess or worry. My therapist would say things like "just accept" or "just let go" but knowing that's what I'm supposed to do did not make it so. I had to go through the distress too and figure out for myself what accepting and letting go means and feels like. Now that I have a glimmer of this skill I can tell I am healing. I'm not healing because I can let go, I can let go because I am healing.

[Not Alone]

Phil, you wrote this awhile ago, but I still thought I'd respond. I can remember one flashback that was like that. I "left" the park and was in a different place and time. It was brief and I'm sure that no one who was with me knew what happened.