To the people who broke me

[Mary Ann]

To the people who did stuff.
I know some of this mess must be my own fault. What are the chances everyone I've come across is a nasty person? Some of it has to be me....but not all of it.
I'm messed up....and you've all contributed to it.
You came into my bedroom and hurt me. You did it many times over many years. You were supposed to love me, but that can't be true. Unless your just selfish? But you can't have cared about me much.
I felt dirty and degraded and ashamed, and it hasn't got better, I still feel like this, even though I pretend everything's ok. I'm still scared of you. I wish I could tell people how you were, I wish I could talk about those times but I can't, and I suppose you counted on that didn't you?
I just wish you could know you really hurt me in the deepest ways and now I'm broken.
Mother, you should have looked after me. You didn't do it properly. I had to look after you.
Or perform and entertain, I wasn't a child....I was a service dog, or a slave, or an object.
You should have kept me close and safe from bad people when I was a kid but you were too wrapped up in yourself.
I was scared of you. I'm still scared of you. You make me feel yucky and uncomfortable and embarrassed to be alive. I wish I had a Mother I could love. I wish just once I could say the word Mum...and say it to my older lady friend who I love dearly. I want her to be my Mum. Not you.
You hated my friend because you were jealous of her.
Big sister. ..I really loved you. Even though you didn't want me.
I know it wasn't your job to look after me, but you should have left me alone then, instead of doing it begrudgingly, because you were cruel and harsh.You hurt me. You frightened me, You forced me to do stuff that I was terrified of and I loved you. I thought you were the best person in the world.
I remember how disgusted your face looked when you looked at me. You used me to get back at our parents, or to vent your own bad feelings on. You left me with your H who you knew was sexually attracted to kids. You saw him be inappropriate with me but you didn't do anything about it.
When I told you how he molested me when I was a kid, you said you always suspected he was like that!
Maybe you exaggerate...but I have to believe what you say!
To H.... Your a nasty yucky horrible man. I was happy you were being nice, but you took advantage of me...I bet you were laughing about it...and you knew there was no one I could tell...
Dad....I loved you. But you loved Mum more, and she behaved so badly and you just let her do it.
You betrayed me, and now our relationship is broken to bits.
You didn't make sure I was safe, or happy, or even ok, just left things to Mum and she was mental and wasn't bothered who she left me with.
To all of these people...there isn't a woman in my family who hasn't hurt me.
There isn't a man in the family I trust not to be weak...or to let me down. I don't trust any man not to take advantage and hurt me sexually whenever they feel like it...I don't trust any of you.
I wish I had a different life. A different family. All of you were supposed to love me, and take care of me. ..your my family....and you broke me.

[Kizzie]

To young Mary Ann: 

Adult Mary Ann is speaking up for you so perhaps you can let her protect and care for you as your family should have and you can go play and have fun and be a child finally.

Kizzie

[Armee]

Gentle support, Mary Ann. So very strong of you to let this out.

None of it was your fault. Nasty people pray on people who are not protected and who have already been victims. It isn't that you are bad, just that nasty people know who they can latch onto and take advantage of or hurt. As you heal, that WILL change.

[paul72]

Gentle hugs of support Mary Ann 

I am sorry that so many people hurt you and for all your pain.
I think you did a beautiful job defending your younger self here and I hope that brings some comfort at least.
I hear you and believe you and just wish it wasn't so alongside you.