Teenage triggerers

[Gromit]

I did find a thread on here about teens, but it is from 2015 so maybe I am ok starting a new one.

I survived my son's teenage years, somehow they were easier than his pre-teen years but now my DD is 16 and, after a hiatus the past 2 years when she was very ill and under consultant care, she is making up for lost time. I hate to say this, but she was nicer when she was ill. To be fair, there were some issues before the illness.

It seems I can do nothing right, I do not talk enough but, when I do, I talk nonsense. Apparently I have no sense of humour. I know nothing! Until there is something wrong with an appliance.

Now there are moans about how her friends have extended family they do things with. I seem to remember feeling I missed out on this too. I only had cousins on my mothers side, and the youngest cousin was the same age as my sister, 7 years older than me. They were all a different species. With my own children I did things with my sister, who has a child between my 2. My OH's niece and nephew are much older and, although local, we never see them. I did do things with my sister until she moved away, and then things got a lot more distant in many ways but now she has left her husband she wishes to reconnect.

On this current family issue I feel my DD does not yet realise that you cannot choose family, and not everyone has a Walton style extended family.

A lot of these issues seem to be connected with her new friends, there have been lots of 'meet-ups' and some of them do the whole extended family thing. Plus her older brother is now at uni and we do all miss him.

I am just lost and triggered at the moment, triggered by her moods, attitudes to me. I am sure I was worse but I did have a NM.

G

[Gromit]

I have had some insight on the issues I mentioned above.

I learnt from a talk how teenage girls have to separate from their mothers, yes, she certainly is, trying to separate herself in every way, not to be like me. It cannot help that her careers teacher at school this week says she looks like me, I cannot see it myself, I think she looks more like my husband's sister. I was surprised that the careers teacher knows me, then, a trawl of LinkenIn revealed she was at the same school as me, although we are 6 school years apart.

I also realised that some of the behaviours my daughter exhibits remind me of my mother. Maybe teenage years were where my mother was developmentally. Self importance, believing herself to be utterly, completely right and above question, even when inexperienced and, sometimes incorrect, or just lacking in knowledge. Her expectation that I will just do what she wants, and her methods of manipulating me to try and achieve that, so upsetting because I can recognise it as manipulation.

I have just seen some of the links Kizzie has added about parenting with CPTSD, I will check out the Facebook page now the post has resurfaced. Thank you.

G

[Gromit]

My daughter is not my mother, she does actually apologise at times.

Just recently, there was a mark on her new T-shirt, she blamed me, I could tell it looked like it was caused by bleach. I am very particular about sorting washing, using correct cycles, etc, even if I forget to empty my pockets 

So I asked her about the hydrogen peroxide she had been using to clean her ear-rings. Nope, now her ears have healed and she can change her rings herself, she hasn't used it. Then I asked about the new skin cream she had. No. But, I had noticed the hand towels in the bathroom also had signs, all over, of bleaching, even though they are pale and old. She had told me we need new ones too. I am waiting to see what we do with the bathroom before I get new towels.

Then, I took a good look at another of her tight T-shirts when I sorted the clean washing, not so bad but still a sign of bleaching around the inside of the neck line. I asked to see her skin cream when she got home, something peroxide, with warnings on the box and inside that it may bleach fabric and hair. Ah, not mums fault then. So she did apologise. My mother never apologised for anything.
DD is still rude as anything though.

G

[Not Alone]

Yea for an apology. Hang in there. There is life after the teen years! BTW, acne medication can have the same affect on clothing.

[Kizzie]

Oh my goodness Gromit, I am so glad to be through the teen years!  It's like living with mini N's who you know are going on one level through normal developmental stages and yet on another (traumatized us) they are so incredibly triggering.  They are not fair, reasonable, they are self-centred and consider us the root of all evil, etc., etc., .... but they do come out of it typically unlike the true N's in our lives.  And then it's fair game to poke fun at them, especially when they have kids of their own.  Well worth the wait 

[Gromit]

Yes, Notalone it is for acne.

Thanks Kizzie, Iknow it is normal, but my son was so different, he is 19 now, he did not behave like DD when he was 16.

G