too many triggers too many times

[sanmagic7]

rainy, thanks for your response.  sorry you have to experience this. 

thanks, kizzie, for the hugs.  it does help a little, if not a lot.  and sorry you can relate.  it sucks!

as i've been thinking of this it struck me that i've not been able to put any closure on anything i've processed.  all those 'something else's' which pop up while processing hardly allows endings and resolutions.  i've still got huge areas that have barely been touched, such as hub #1, and D1 (he is her bio father), and the abuse w/in each of those relationships.

i looked back a bit in this thread and saw that i started it nearly a year ago, yet it's still here, i'm still battling it,  life is a daily struggle and the only time i find relief is when my D and i sit down in the afternoons to watch various tv series.  we choose them for their comedy or because they're worlds we want to get lost in, taken out of the real world for a while.  still, they have situations that can be triggering, therefore upsetting, and it takes a while to get over or thru them.

i feel glum.

[Armee]

 

Taking some time to live in the present moment, the good parts of it, is not a bad idea, focusing on managing triggers for awhile...grounding etc...maybe it's time to go back to the stabilization phase, just for a little while. If you were your own EMDR client....what would you do?

[Papa Coco]

San,

The complexity of how your abuse was coming from multiple sources at once really resonates with me. You are so right. Authors are taught not to have too many villains in a story because it confuses and overwhelms the readers, but (I'm a prolific swearer, so I'll just say the word Golly) GOLLY! When it's not a novel, but a real life, yeah!  GOLLY! It's too confusing and overwhelming to process in real life too.

It is so confusing to be taking hits from so many angles at once. That happened to me too. Abused at church, bullied by the entire school, and gaslighted by NPD at home, I had only one safe place to live, and that was deep, deep inside my head. Dissociation kept me alive. Like you, TV shows, movies and novels almost always present triggers that make me feel totally crazy all over again. I deal with thoughts of self-harm a lot. I keep phone numbers at my fingertips for those times when I feel like I might need help surviving another day. The Suicide hotline; my T; an old high school buddy who, for some reason, never gave up on me. My therapist and I talk openly about my suicidality. He has made it clear that he'll stop whatever he's doing if I ever call him between sessions. He's helped me to feel safe that if I have to call him, he won't brush me off, but he'll help me NOT go too far. If I can't stop feeling suicidal, at least I can keep a support network around me to talk me off the ledge when needed.

Myself, and I'm sure others on this forum, are sending you our genuine love and compassion. Know that we feel it too. I have a very difficult time finding TV shows to watch or novels to read. When an honest character is being gaslighted, tricked, or lied about, I sometimes start yelling heated obscenities at the TV. If the plot doesn't resolve quickly enough, I turn it off and vow to never watch or read another word from that story--or that author--ever again. It sucks to be so traumatized that I almost can't even find a TV show or novel to enjoy, but it is what it is. That's how trauma affects me too.

You aren't alone, and I'm glad you feel safe openly talking about it on this forum. So many good people here. We're not alone. We understand each other. I sometimes call this "the island of misfit toys." As a child, watching that movie every Christmas season, I used to wish I could find that island of misfit toys so I could feel bonded with others who were like me. Well...This forum is where I find that bond today.

[Not Alone]

San, I know what it's like to have so many layers of abuse and abusers and therefore triggers. Having your T unavailable for so long is so, so difficult. I don't want to dive into my stuff, but just want you to know that I empathize and I care.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,

thanks for your support.  i pondered your suggestion, but it only lasted a moment.  there was not enough energy to even stay w/ the thought of how i would do therapy for myself, let alone actually formulate an opinion.  no brainpower at all when it comes to me, altho i could easily see myself shift into therapist gear if i was working with someone else.  weird how that works.  i appreciate your care. 

hi PC, thanks for all you said.  i'm so sorry you experience similar problems w/ triggers from everywhere.  it does make us more susceptible to those dark thoughts, for sure.  i'm glad you have a good support system for yourself.  my T and my D help keep me alive and sane.  it does make a difference to know someone cares.  the island of misfit toys, huh?  interesting concept.  but i know this forum is the best on so many levels. 

notalone, thanks for chiming in and for caring.  again, i'm so sorry you experience similar trigger problems.  it totally sucks!   

i so appreciate everyone here and all your support.  i wish none of you had to go thru this. 

[Blueberry]

San, I know what it's like to have so many layers of abuse and abusers and therefore triggers. Having your T unavailable for so long is so, so difficult. I don't want to dive into my stuff, but just want you to know that I empathize and I care.

[Kizzie]

  I too wish none of us had to go through this.