Random processing

[storyworld]

I feel like, as a newbie, I've been posting a lot, but I don't have anyone, other than my sister whom I speak with once a month or so, and my therapist (with whom I'm still building trust) to talk about in regard to my experiences and mental processing. I also feel compelled to say that I believe the things I endured were not nearly as intense as most of you and so feel a bit ... not sure how to verbalize.

I recently verbalized fragments of memory, first to my husband, then to my therapist, and then to my sister (to gauge accuracy of my memory) something I'd not previously even verbalized to myself. Through processing in various ways and talking with my sister, it appears this particular memory is probable, and yet I'm still struggling to accept it. I found myself calling myself a liar and feeling guilty and like a bad person for even thinking this instance (which was recurring) might have occurred. What makes this especially challenging is that it involves an individual I have developed a fantasy/ideal version of that I know in my brain isn't accurate but that I am fighting against releasing. (It feels harder and more painful to release this ideal version of this person than anything I endured/encountered as a child.) I am also really struggling to accept, or acknowledge, that my childhood was as bad as it may have been. I am not sure what the block is or how to explain it. I can accept that things felt hard, but find myself fighting against the idea that my childhood played a significant role in my triggers, insomnia, relational challenges, etc. I find it easier to think that I am the problem.

I would love to read your experiences with these types of things along with how you moved forward.
 

[Moondance]

This is the perfect place, in my opinion to express yourself Storyworld and to ask questions. 

If you are here there is a strong probability you belong here as well.  If it helps at all many of us struggle with this very same doubt.

You shared...

I also feel compelled to say that I believe the things I endured were not nearly as intense as most of you and so feel a bit ... not sure how to verbalize.

I have had these exact thoughts as well.  Through the sharing of my story, reading other posts and very importantly the responses to my posts from others has been confirming and super supportive.  I have come to realize that whether I endured more or less the results were the same if not similar. Each of our stories may be different however the results are similar, the symptoms are the same.   I do belong here.  I'm certain that given some time you will be able to make a clear decision for yourself as well.

I too posted a lot, and still do.  I'm pretty new here as well.  My pattern seems to be post a lot, read a lot, take time to digest it all and start the pattern all over again.   I have a tendency to go overboard and try to take too much in so I have to be mindful as my capacity to process all of this is limited. I read on Hope's post the other day that she paces her recovery, a very mindful way for me to approach this also.

This next comment does not apply to your post directly but I want to say  I am learning so much and even though I have difficulty trusting and relational stuff seems so difficult for me I know this is a really good place for me to heal.  I can trust that.

 
  a caring hug if that's okay.

[woodsgnome]

For sure, I'm not new here, but I fully relate to all you're saying and what's pulling you onwards to post even more.

It's simple -- this forum is such a unique and freeing place to have discovered. With no where else to turn to, it becomes one of the few options where you (us) can feel free enough to explore what can't be covered in many other ways.

So, first, no need to feel out of sorts about posting. It is scary, for sure. But look around -- here you can at last trust that the people you're interacting with 'get it.' We've all endured the pain, but also the hope, of working (and playing) to find ways to unburden the tensions which never asked for but are here nonetheless.

In my own case, I have run into difficulties, but also realized I survived the old, and now am free to live with a new story that understands the yo-yo effect following such deep trauma(s) across a wide span of years. Two words stand out for me describing the 'why' of how I've even made it this far (so much more to go). Those two words -- DEPTH and RESILIENCE. That's where this web/forum has provided many ways to find some way to begin moving past the old into the new.

Just wanted to share an outlook, from someone who relates to your story and your reactions to finding freedom in your own being. 

[storyworld]

Moondance, thank you for your kind words and encouragement, and sharing ways you can relate. That is helpful and encouraging.

Woodsgnome, thank you also. I especially loved your mention of resilience. That is something my therapist and I have been working on. She says I need to be standing on firm ground before we can process hard stuff. She's suggested numerous ways I can build resilience, and she places great emphasis on finding ways to experience beauty and joy. With that in mind, I've been taking walks where I intentionally notice the beauty I see, smell, and feel.

[NarcKiddo]

I relate to everything you say.

TW: child grooming

You mentioned an idealised version of somebody. I was groomed by our school driver from the age of around 12.  Nothing happened until I was 15 and thought I was calling the shots. He played things very carefully and slowly and I fell in love with him. Although I now see him for what he was, part of me still mourns the loss of him as I believed he was. I've discussed this with my therapist and am gradually letting go of the fantasy man. I thought I had got rid of the horrid real man long ago, but I think until I can  properly grieve fantasy man, real man will never fully go. Don't know if this is any help to you, but I thought I would share to let you know that you are not the only one to struggle with such things.

[Moondance]

And ditto for me also.  I was groomed at 11 to 13 or14, not sure exactly.  I was groomed by a priest and a co-sponsor of 12th step alateen group.

I can relate and definitely you are not alone.

[storyworld]

NarcKiddo and Moondance, I'm so sorry for what you experienced.