Has Childhood Sexual Abuse done more damage than I thought?

[Armee]

DollyVee and Papa Coco,

Thanks for discussing this topic. I had a terrifying moment like this a few years ago. I don't even know what brought it on. I was walking to work though which was always a triggering time (transitions, leaving my kids who I worried about at that time, and having to be very close to men on the train).  And I felt like I was in danger of just floating away molecule by molecule disappearing up into the sky. I was terrified and all I wanted and needed was to see my husband to keep me anchored.

It was strange because I am not clingy but I really needed to grab onto him.i just started walking really fast, past my train station and to the local coffee shop just praying he would be there getting a coffee on his way to work. I walked in and he was there and I just grabbed on to that anchor. Fear of disintegration makes so much sense to me as a descriptor.

And Papa Coco...I know you know this...but your T, and Mama Coco, and we will not let you disintegrate or be annihilated as you slowly start to work through your assaults. We are here we have you we are an anchor or molecule glue. The fear makes sense but we've got you.

[Papa Coco]

Dolly and Armee,

I am now learning that this fear of annihilation and/or disintegration, seems to be another common thread between us here on the forum.  Dolly's said that she's felt like she's been at the barrier between order and chaos since she was a child. You feel like your molecules are about to scatter. I feel like that all the time too.

Thank you Dolly and Armee for reminding me that you all aren't going to let me come unglued and scatter.

Knowing that a lot of us feel this fear, makes me think that as children we were not given the proper anchor by our parents, so we grew up feeling like we're barely hanging onto our physical existence, and we are all looking for anchors to keep us grounded.

One of my top 5 favorite movies of all time is Super 8. A boy has lost his mom to a work accident. His dad is the local police captain. An alien has been ravaging the town. At the end of the movie, when the boy helps the alien escape earth, he lets go of his mother's locket as a symbol that he's letting go of his pain over losing his mom. His dad holds him tightly and repeatedly says "I've got you. I've got you. I've got you." 

How many of us wish someone would have said that to us when we needed it the most? How different would we be today if our dads or moms had held us and said "I've got you" instead of what they really did say when we needed them the most?

So, here on this forum, we, the children who didn't get held properly send hugs to each other constantly. Those hugs are, to me, the same message that the police captain gave his son, they're a meme that basically says "I've got you. I know who you are. I care."

Armee, and Dolly; Hug, hug, hug.    We've all got each other here on this forum.

[dollyvee]

Yes, PC I think it's the little kid part of us who had to try to make sense of things we didn't know how to, or shouldn't have had to.

Thank you for the hug