Getting closer to people

[HomerJ]

I recently started my first job, so this is the first time I've really had to get to know people since school (in my 30's now), for all of my anxiety I can actually get on with people quite well

I've been trying to get to know this one person at work and they are really nice, we chat a lot at work and outside of it for a few months now. But I can never shake the feeling of I'm going to ruin this 'Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I texting too much etc etc' You get the picture but its constant and exhausting and over every little thing

I've asked for reassurance, been open, tried to be myself and I'm doing that as much as I have ever done with anyone. They have responded kindly to me asking for reassurance but I can't do it all of the time because other people have stuff going on and it annoys people. I ask other friends about but again I can't do that all of the time, my T asked if I could try reassuring myself and I can sometimes but it's so relentless. I don't really know what to do, it's taking up almost all of my mental energy trying to make sure this one person continues to care about me and I'm not taking good care of myself elsewhere. Obviously this mirrors my childhood but I just don't want to do anything else and I am not able to force myself

Does anyone have any advice/stories from their own life that might help me?

[Moondance]

I wish I knew of something to help you HomerJ but I don't at this time.

I can say that I relate so much to what you are experiencing so am so sorry this is what you feel and are going thru. As you say it is constant and exhausting.

Your post reminds me of being told some of the things you mentioned - "You are trying so hard"  or "She's trying so hard".  These were family's of friends who would say this to me. 

So all I can offer is support and that you are definitely not alone in this. 

I'm thankful you posted about this because I would like to know as well.

 

[Bermuda]

Hi HomerJ,

I read your words, and I could offer up so many stories, but I don't think it would be very helpful. I live with this too, and it's challenging. It is so much better than it once was for me, however. I have made progress.

How I deal with these feelings now is I try to step away from the situation, in my mind, and tell myself that it doesn't actually matter. I know this is hard to do, and infact I talked about my social struggles just this week. The thing is, I want people to like me. I want to be close to people. The problem is that I can't feel close to people because I have to distance myself, because I think I will mess it up. Then I go into this loop of needing affirmation, but also not asking for it. I'm the problem.

So, firstly I try to be honest with people from the get-go, that I find socialising challenging. This makes it so I don't constantly feel the need to check up on things. Next I tell myself that if I am being genuine and they find it off-putting, then so be it. That's not me. To have an organic close relationship, there must be mutual understanding and natural compatibility, so all the control in the world cannot change that. I want someone to like me, not the quiet shell that I show the world.

So, I try not to control it, not to hold myself accountable, not to intervene if someone distances themselves. I feel alone, all the time actually, but it's not because there aren't people around. Does that make sense? I'm not actually alone, it's just intimacy and true companionship is vulnerability, the nemesis of hypervigilance.

I don't know if that's helpful or if it's anything like what you are going through, but that's how I talk myself through these things.

[Kizzie]

I think you are in very good company here Homer, so many of us struggle with this. We never had healthy messages about ourselves or role models for relationships so it's no wonder we have such social anxiety. I'm impressed that you are reaching out to the person at work frankly so kudos and bravo to you.     

I know for me I was terribly afraid of being rejected until I came to see myself in more of a positive light - kind, decent, trustworthy, fun, etc. Perhaps if you look at who you really are and not what the inner critic tells you, you might feel more comfortable with the relationship? I can start you off and say I think you are courageous for sharing about this and for pursuing the friendship despite the constant work it has taken.     

There are reasons this person likes you, maybe you could share here why you think that is?

[HomerJ]

Hi HomerJ,

I read your words, and I could offer up so many stories, but I don't think it would be very helpful. I live with this too, and it's challenging. It is so much better than it once was for me, however. I have made progress.

How I deal with these feelings now is I try to step away from the situation, in my mind, and tell myself that it doesn't actually matter. I know this is hard to do, and infact I talked about my social struggles just this week. The thing is, I want people to like me. I want to be close to people. The problem is that I can't feel close to people because I have to distance myself, because I think I will mess it up. Then I go into this loop of needing affirmation, but also not asking for it. I'm the problem.

So, firstly I try to be honest with people from the get-go, that I find socialising challenging. This makes it so I don't constantly feel the need to check up on things. Next I tell myself that if I am being genuine and they find it off-putting, then so be it. That's not me. To have an organic close relationship, there must be mutual understanding and natural compatibility, so all the control in the world cannot change that. I want someone to like me, not the quiet shell that I show the world.

So, I try not to control it, not to hold myself accountable, not to intervene if someone distances themselves. I feel alone, all the time actually, but it's not because there aren't people around. Does that make sense? I'm not actually alone, it's just intimacy and true companionship is vulnerability, the nemesis of hypervigilance.

I don't know if that's helpful or if it's anything like what you are going through, but that's how I talk myself through these things.

Yeah I definitely can relate to this. I need affirmation but don't ask for it - and I never have until now. I used to wait until things got really bad and I couldn't take it anymore

I think the part about feeling alone all the time. I do too like I just want someone to understand but then revealing it always seems like too much. I enjoy people distancing themselves, I enjoy people rejecting me it's a terribly lonely way to be. So the people who do care are the one's that stick around or I keep around and I think I'm a pretty good judge of who's genuine and who's not but it's terrifying because then I have something to lose, something to hold on too and I can't let go of the control when I have that I just want the connection so much

[HomerJ]

I think you are in very good company here Homer, so many of us struggle with this. We never had healthy messages about ourselves or role models for relationships so it's no wonder we have such social anxiety. I'm impressed that you are reaching out to the person at work frankly so kudos and bravo to you.     

I know for me I was terribly afraid of being rejected until I came to see myself in more of a positive light - kind, decent, trustworthy, fun, etc. Perhaps if you look at who you really are and not what the inner critic tells you, you might feel more comfortable with the relationship? I can start you off and say I think you are courageous for sharing about this and for pursuing the friendship despite the constant work it has taken.     

There are reasons this person likes you, maybe you could share here why you think that is?

Thank you that's very kind

I think all of those good things about myself until the moment I reveal something about myself or ask for something

They like me because I'm genuine, kind, fun. I do make  more of an effort but its 60/40 rather than 90/10, but they do message me with things they like or things that are personal to them and I don't think anyone would do that if they didn't care for me

This may not be for everyone but it's something that helped me last night. I tried to think about how I would want a friend to behave with me and I am trying to treat myself like that rather than guessing what another person wants when I have no control and a little bit of an idea but not enough to satisfy my anxiety. It shifts the focus to what I need and it helped me to stop ruminating on how everything could go wrong then I had a bit more energy to take care of myself

[Kizzie]

I tried to think about how I would want a friend to behave with me and I am trying to treat myself like that rather than guessing what another person wants when I have no control

Spot on!   

[dollyvee]

Hi Homer,

I echo what Bermuda is saying about feeling alone a lot of the time. I recently started (re)learning about attachment and in one of the videos I watched, it was mentioned how people can strive to have their experiences mirrored, which is only natural. However, because I went through kind of extreme emotional experiences, it can be difficult to find people who mirror those in a non-trauma bonding way. I think extreme emotional experiences feel "normal" and more healthy attachment/relational experiences can feel off, but as you begin to work through those attachment experiences, you make more space for healthy attachment. So, I think a lot of the time without even recognizing it, I'm hypervigilant or looking/expecting things to go wrong etc. Realizing that that is an attachment response and not reality is helpful too, but can be difficult at times to shift out of that mindset and remember it.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Towhee]

This is such a good thread with so many thoughtful and honest replies.  I'll add that I feel like I'm so messed up, so incompetent and foolish, that no one could possibly want anything to do with me unless they had exploitative intent.  It's happened too much.  In addition, I've been alone for so long that I really don't know what people do together as friends, what they talk about, how a healthy vs a toxic relationship is supposed to feel.

[Armee]

Hi. 

I've been there, thinking all those terrible things about myself and believing them to be part of my inherent personality. I guarantee that you yourself are not messed up, incompetent, or foolish. This is just the effects of the traumas. I knew that part, when I believed these horrible things about myself, but thought the traumas had permanently damaged me such that they were now true things about myself and always would be. I'm not fully healed, lol, a far cry from that. But something has happened over the past 5 years as I've healed a lot of the trauma - those things I thought were core parts of my personality are changing. My narrative was a little different from yours: stupid, chaotic, and messed up, bad and wrong. It actually is possible to heal the traumas enough that these aspects of how we are - which are trauma responses and are there to keep us protected and safe as misguided as they can be at times - fade out. Friendships are tough when you are knee deep in PTSD. Hang in there, there is nothing inherently defective about you, and it can be healed. I think at least.

[DD]

I echo these feelings. They kept me in a bad marriage for far too long. Because I had no one else. Then I had the best luck ever. I met, one at a time, two amazing friends, who just stayed. They are still here, over 10 years later. And with them I feel I can just be me, whatever that is. Took me until 2 years ago to start sharing the traumas and issues. But they are still here. And their love and friendship gave me the strength to leave the marriage. I'm telling this because these friends just stayed. Even with me being me.

Currently I am in something of a relationship. I push away and then pull close and am quite needy at times and standoffish at others. They are still here. Sometimes they take a bit of distance to take care of themselves, which always freaks me out even if in my head I understand. But he keeps showing me he cares with little things and I hang onto those for dear life. And yes, I am at times terrified he's just using me. But I think it's just trauma talking.

Point of this: I am royally messed up by trauma. I have been very open about this. And they have stayed. I feel good about myself near them, so I don't think it's abusive. And we can discuss everything. Even the difficult things. This has never before been the case. So I think it's healthy enough. And it is very healing.

So, to everyone reading this thread, it is possible to find healthy beautiful relationships even when deeply traumatised. I recommend honesty about ones struggles, tempered with sense of not telling everything immediately. And giving it time. If they stick around and you feel good near them, trust that the experienced difficulties are trauma talking and be gentle with yourself. Talking to other friends and a therapist, if you have one, is a good way to check for the health of a relationship.

[Armee]

Wow this is really hopedul, DD. Thank you. 💛