Elpha's New Pieces

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Blueberry  It helps to not feel alone and to be reassured that it doesn't mean I have changed or show up in the world any differently. I do think that most people with CPTSD are somewhere on the dissociative spectrum but it felt really big to be told I was farther on that spectrum than I was completely aware of. I think parts of me have a hard time with labels that feel like they make me any less than "normal". I know that is a part of myself that really tries to keep up appearances and prove myself to be what everyone needs me to be. I try not to listen to that part too much but it definitely got triggered up.

I am pretty exhausted from it all because I have been fighting my own brain since Friday. Hopefully, I can find a better sense of homeostasis soon.

[sanmagic7]

el, i think fighting our brains is one of the most exhausting battles we can get into.  here's hoping you win that fight as soon as you can.

keeping up appearances - that's a tough one to break.  it took me to the edge at one time, but it's better now.  it's still amazing to me how much of a hold those old messages can have on us.  best to you w/ all this, my dear.  love and hugs

[Armee]

These are all the same things I've been struggling to come to grips with recently, too, Elphanigh. I couldn't imagine telling my husband or anyone other than here. I've been pretty harsh about it with myself, but have an easier time reassuring you.

You are normal. Having a complex dissociative mechanism in your brain is what allowed you to survive atrocities that would completely undo anyone who did not have the capacities to dissociate in the complex ways your brain has developed to compartmentalize everything in such a thorough way. This is what allows you to be normal. You are normal. You have taken things that could not be faced and put them away until you had the capacity and tools and safety to deal with them. That is all. It's a lot. But it's not more than that. Ok? 

If it helps, I believe I am likely on the DID end of the spectrum but cannot face an actual diagnosis and it's a bit of a gray area I think. But I have been quite freaked out. But I'm a scientist and it helps me to think about it not like I have alters or different personalities or people, but from more a neuroscience perspective. Like there are different pockets of neurons that fire together and hold certain memories and feelings and ways of being. There are lots of these discrete islands of neurons. Some have connections between them and can fire together. Others have been walled off and don't have neural connections to other parts of my brain. Sometimes something in the environment triggers me into one of those walled off pockets of neurons. Healing I think comes from building up these connections between the walled up places but it takes time and when we dissociate it blocks us from going there  and we need to build up that tolerance as we build the neural connections. I'm looking forward to feeling more whole and finally getting to be my whole self.

It's a lot and feels crazy but it's not. It's really just neuroscience and trauma and survival. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both 

San, you are right about fighting our brains being exhausting. I have found that I don't necessarily 'win' in those fights. It feels more like coming to some understanding, compassion, and shifting. It sometimes takes more time than others to get to a place where I can release the need to fight it to get to that place. I am hopeful I can get to a place where I am not fighting it soon. I know I have a choice in that but it is always easier said than done.



Armee, that was all beautifully put. I think trying to really recognize it as a survival mechanism and understand the neurological basis for it will help. I logically know those things, I studied and teach those things but it is hard. I do need to remember that though. It is how I survived all of the horrific parts of my childhood. Without it, I would not have survived at all. I think one day I will come to accept or at least have some compassion for this. I am excited to see my therapist on Friday and work through it. I think today is the first day where I feel like there is any chance it will shift. Before today it felt very much like there was no room for movement or other perspectives.