Is anyone else afraid to grieve??

[Indigochild]

Hi

Is there anyone else here who is also terrified of grieving?
Im pretty sure its not uncommon.
Is there anything any of you do that helps you to cry...or get angry...to grieve?...To not be afraid to experience tremendous sadness? (feels like someone has died kind of grief)
Triggers happen..but once they have happened...one being abandonment in particular, how do you let yourself cry with out being afraid of that feeling?
And how do you allow your body to continue crying, when your mind shuts off the emotion and makes you numb?
This may be dissociation?  The tears just suddenly stop and i feel nothing, as thought my body is trying to protect me from pain.

Any suggestions would be great...

[keepfighting]

Yes, sometimes I am a bit afraid to grieve. I think it's mostly fear of loss of control and the vulnerability that comes as a result of loss of control...

And how do you allow your body to continue crying, when your mind shuts off the emotion and makes you numb?
This may be dissociation?  The tears just suddenly stop and i feel nothing, as thought my body is trying to protect me from pain.

I think you're right: It is a form of protection that was apt when we were still in an unstable and maybe even dangerous environment, but is unhelpful now in our recovery. Or maybe it's even still helpful in our recovery because sometimes you just can't deal with full amount the pain so it's okay that you go numb after a while. It's a mixed blessing ....   

Alas, no tips on how to let the pain be felt and released into tears. I am not very good at it myself. I have noticed that it's easier for me to cry about someone else's pain than my own (recollections of how my LC bro was treated, or a sad movie or something...) and sometimes - though very seldom indeed - it continues into a feeling where I can feel sorry for my younger self and cry tears for her, as well.

Self compassion is something that is still a mostly foreign concept to me so I'll be really interested in any tips and suggestions, too. Thank you for bringing up this subject, Indy! 

[voicelessagony2]

I don't have any advice, because I have exactly the same problem.

Childhood trauma, for me, resulted in complete repression/stifling of emotions. I have never been able to cry unless in a place of utter despair and lost hope. That kind of crying is not cathartic or healing. It just leaves me drained and possibly with a sinus infection.

I wish I could grieve, but my protective instincts are too strong.

[Indigochild]

Hi Keepfighting and voicelessagony2, thank you so much for your replies.
I am so sorry that you are also both struggling with this.

I hadn't thought about it perhaps being fear of loss of control. Vulnerability perhaps most definatley. Comming close to grief, it feels so overwhelming i had no idea and I'm afraid of what may be lurking under the surface.  It feels like the worst pain in the whole world and if i were to experience it, i feel i would never be happy again.
This however, may not be true, but i don't feel the pain would all be over within just one session of crying.

I understand too voicelessagony2 about being able to cry for others, and not for yourself, and about having no self compassion. I do hope it gets easier for you to cry tears for your self and child within in time.

I will let you both know of any suggestions should i come to them.
A person once told me who had been through this journey, to let emotions wash over you like clouds, they go in and out, you don't need to pay much attention to them, try not to be afraid of them and don't not be afraid to feel the pain.
They come and go and happiness isn't longer than any of the other feeling states.
This is hard to do though, especially when it feels so overwhelming. 

too

[voicelessagony2]