How to renew strength

[Dyess]

How do you renew your strength to fight? Do we even really need to fight? Or is it more about accepting what we have to deal with and learning how to deal with it? Fighting is so energy consuming. It's really hard to not want to fight though.

[keepfighting]

Or is it more about accepting what we have to deal with and learning how to deal with it?

That's my strategy most of the time: Learning better ways and strategies to deal with it. That's 'fighting' enough for me. 

One thing I've noticed as I continue in recovery is that though I cannot completely dodge the next EF or the next night of insomnia, the tools I have to deal with them are more effective now than they were two years ago. It takes practise before they become effective, I guess.

[smg]

Hi Trace,

Your question seems to relate to the day that I've just had. I spent the day at work feeling furious and foggy when my manager said some things that I thought were unfair, and particularly when some visitors assumed that the manager is a very nice man.

While I was stomping angrily home, it suddenly occured to me that most of my anger is really over my covertly-narcissistic mother's unfair behaviour, and how I'm alone in seeing it as unfair. Most of the fog has lifted for now, and I've had a couple flashes of the childhood fear and sadness underlying the anger. Being relatively free from that fog is a renewal of strength, of sorts.

My understanding is that when a feeling state lingers and spirals down, that has three causes 1) it's a strong feeling and/or the cause is ongoing, 2) the original feeling has been overwhelmed with toxic shame so strong that neither can be resolved, or 3) most of the duration and intensity of the feeling is misdirected or misidentified. (2 and 3 are related, but I can't untangle how right now.)

I'm struggling for how to say this -- my anger with my manager is justified. The fight-impulse, the fog and feeling trapped in anger and the situation were ... other. Redirecting the anger really helped in the short term. For longer term recovery, I think I need to really get at the underlying fear and sadness.

smg

[Kubali]

To Trace

I have learned something valuable about me. Maybe this will help. I realised that if I'm fighting I have already lost.

Surrendering or letting go is something which requires strength wisdom and resilience. We weather things by bending.

Now I endeavour to find a different word. Usually I choose the word RESISTANCE. I ask myself. What truth am I resisting here? Am I trying to control others or am I attempting to manage myself? Picking softer words and subtle vocabulary is solo helpful when we are stressed and tired beyond measure.

If you are tired. Allow it. If you are grieving. Allow it. Listen to your instincts. Allow them to guide you safely.

Kubali

[woodsgnome]

Trace said: How do you renew your strength to fight? Do we even really need to fight? Or is it more about accepting what we have to deal with and learning how to deal with it? Fighting is so energy consuming. It's really hard to not want to fight though.

I'm in and out of this question daily and it's a huge paradox. Giving up, plodding on, seeking friends I never seem to find, frustrated the human company I long for eludes me. Searching for ways to dull the painful memories that haunt me. On and on. Despair just sits there, and it's ugly, but fighting it seems counter-intuitive. Paradox again.

At first acceptance can be interpreted as giving in, but it's just exploring the territory to find a new route in search of the peace we crave. That can tire one as easily as a drawn-out fight would, though. And the answers seem to always fade just out of view. 

My means to renew my spirit range from enjoying the beautiful area I live in, listening to and/or playing music, reading, and other low stress activities. Even some of that could be construed as fighting against loneliness and despair. Or hiding from those nagging feelings of self-negation left over from years of "stuff". It's like a built-in fatigue factor.
Plus there's all those other silly macho notions encouraged by a competition-oriented society. We are beautiful people without being constantly challenged to prove it.

It's probably just a quibble with definitions. Sigh. No matter what words we choose, we're at least striving, if not fighting, to feel better about ourselves, I guess. Hard to wrap any logic around it, and so we wander on. And sometimes, when the hope fades yet again, the peace is just there, beyond understanding.   

[Kubali]

To Woodsgnome

I heartily concur with everything you have said.

It seems like a never-ending roller coaster of a journey. When it's very dark just breathing can be an effort . The rare times when the sun shines are so precious. Like you said, blessed peace.

Kubali

[Kizzie]

Great thread Trace!  I'm finding the more I give up fighting against myself, the more recovery I'm able to accomplish.  For instance when first dealing with my ICr I would shout it down, fight against it.  But then I read a very respectful letter Milarepa posted to her ICr and the light went on.  My ICr is part of me. It had grown vicious and far too large, but it's there for a reason as it is in everyone.  A healthy version is meant to remind us when we should be reflecting on our behaviour. 

Anyway, Milarepa thanked her ICr for keeping her safe as a child but now it had to learn how to do so as an adult and she would help with that.  I liked her letter very much because she was acknowledging her ICr as a valuable part of herself, and wanted to work with it. I realized that I couldn't continue to shout my ICr down because it was like shoving my IC down when she was getting out of control. It worked temporarily, but didn't solve anything. So now I'm trying to work with both parts rather than fight against them, to acknowledge they are an important part of me and help them to learn how to do their part in a healthier way.