Good and bad days/weeks/months

[Towhee]

Hi all,

This is just a bit of a rant out of frustration with still struggling even after making huge progress in recovery.  I guess with any form of PTSD we have to expect to have days, weeks, or months that are just worse than others.  Sometimes it's because of an external event, but what I find most frustrating is when it has little or nothing to do with what's happening in my life.  This time of year is super tough for me because of the traumatic things that have happened in summertime, especially July.  I haven't been able to do certain active things to help me through.  I've had to stop meditating because I came close to having a flashback with it yesterday, when it's been two years since my last one.  I tried to get back into writing this morning but felt such a surge of anxiety I had to close it.  Knowing my symptoms will ease up in August, and almost vanish once fall arrives, is the only thing I can cling to.  Until then, workouts and passive enjoyment of books and shows is getting me through.

[Kizzie]

Towhee IMO you have to do what's best for you and if you are not ready to face the memories and feelings that summer bring up then it's kind to acknowledge and accept that and to take care of yourself.  It may be that over time you will be able to face them bit by bit, in small pieces perhaps. But, only you will know when you're ready, Great that you aren't letting the words "I should xxxx" take over.     

[Towhee]

Thank you, Kizzie.  I hope that in time summer won't be so rough to get through.  For now it's feeling like this emoji: 

A CBT-based counselor in an intensive outpatient program cured me of imposing "should" statements on myself as I was trained to do.

[Kizzie]

Well we're all here if/when you want to post about what it is about summer that is so triggering.  That may be after this summer is over or whenever, it's when you feel like tackling the memories and feelings. Glad you chased the 'shoulds' away!

[Towhee]

Thank you, truly, for your deep compassion, Kizzie.  Maybe talking about it in this setting will help.  [TRIGGER WARNING: references to sexual and physical/emotional/psychological abuse, sexual harassment, and suicidal depression]

Summer has brought repeated traumatic experiences, beginning at the age of 5 with sexual abuse by my great uncle.  My parents inflicted harsh physical and emotional abuse in response to my trauma behaviors.  This was on top of neglect that began in infancy.  At 7 my grandfather died in the summer, and shortly after that our outdoor birds were stolen and our cats began dying of feline leukemia.  The next summer my father was seriously injured at work and the first surgeon botched the procedure.  I was the exclusive target of their stress, with an older sister as the golden child.  My grandmother was the only one in my family who offered unconditional love and safety, but by the time I was 11, her Alzheimer's was so severe I couldn't spend time with her anymore.  Summers after that brought complete isolation.  My sister was allowed to participate in activities but I wasn't.  I was expected to complete lengthy lists of chores, subject to my mother's careful inspection and detailed criticism.  Needless to say, my sister had no work requirements and never faced a word of criticism.  My mother was diagnosed with a personality disorder but she never said which one.  I'm certain it's a combination of cluster B, just as I'm certain her father was a genuine psychopath.  He was viciously cruel and brought more than one person to financial ruin, divorce, and suicide.  He also took part in a statutory gang rape that his friend did time for but he somehow got off.  It was his brother who sexually abused me at 5 and 6.  She learned the techniques of cruel psychological and emotional abuse from him and was a very good student, especially in presenting herself to others as the perfect mother of an ungrateful child while inflicting such damage in private, with me as her exclusive target.  She did everything possible undermine my self-esteem, capacity for growth, hope, and independent thought.  I sought escape from the family system at 18 with the psychopath grandfather (I didn't know any of this at the time because my FOO didn't bother to tell me), who as it turned out wanted me as free labor and to be his flying monkey.  It collapsed in a very ugly way and I was trapped alone thousands of miles from home, only facing callousness from my parents who felt I'd gotten what I deserved for dropping out of college (though their domineering behavior was the primary reason I had to).  This was immediately after I got out of the hospital for suicidal depression for the second time, and I experienced sexual harassment from a superior.  Most of these events happened in July, and so did my last flashback.

Sadness, anger, and fear are all warring for dominance and I'm just plain exhausted.  I feel lonely but can't bear to be around people when my senses are all at heightened alert and I feel such aggression.  Fight is my dominant F right now.  I struggle to contain it because I don't want to cause harm to anyone.

[NarcKiddo]

That is a really horrible burden to have had to experience and now to carry. I know the fear of letting one's own fight response take over as I get that too. I'm glad you are doing your workouts - I find that really helps with my fight response and get very antsy if I am prevented from exercising when and at the intensity I need to.

Sending you best wishes. Ten more days and at least this July is out of the way. I hope by next summer you have healed some more.

[Towhee]

Thank you NK.  The tough workouts do help a lot.  This weekend I might look for some nostalgia SNES RPGs to get the fight out in a harmless way.  Also a good way to care for my inner teen.  Things always improve by August and my mood lifts a lot once fall arrives.  I'm already looking forward to treating myself to anything pumpkin spice!

[Armee]

 

With you, here as you get through this triggering time of year.

[blue_sky]

4 more days Towhee. Hope you're feeling better and looking forward to August...

 

[Kizzie]

Hi Folks - Towhee has left the forum so I'm going to lock this thread.