I figured it out! Child of narc parent

[Elf Power]

Hello!
I finally figured it out! I knew from a young age something was terribly wrong. My mom is covert narc. Here's the kicker I was deaf as child. I was born deaf. Hence, I was scapegoated. I suffered terribly. From a young young age I figured out I could go to my mom for nothing. My mom used abuse by proxy to keep her hands clean. My siblings mobbed me. When I was living at home my younger sibling would rage at me for leaving toothpaste in the sink and other crimes against humanity. I was just a kid. More recently, I couldn't figure out what was up with my older sister so we could heal. She has no identity of her own. She's a huge people pleaser. I could NOT have a genuine relationship with her. Then it dawned on me. While I always known she was the golden child. I realized she's the codependent enabler! Who's turning into a narc herself!
I now can no longer talk to anyone in my family of origin. I'm 6 weeks no contact with my mom. My questions
1. How do I handle the knowledge of all the time I lost realizing that people outside the family really liked me as far back as 8th grade but I couldn't believe it because of the treatment by parents? Can I go back in time please!
2. Does anyone actually relate to their narc instead of having a true relationship? I can't imagine doing this it's so one sided.
Thanks in advance!

[Kizzie]

Hey Elf, welcome to OOTS and tks for sharing what happened to you. I too am the child of a covert N mother. I was scapegoated too because I was quite emotional and my B ended up having NPD as the Golden Child.  So you're in good company here.  Lots of us who went through N abuse.

You can go back in a way I'd suggest, by remembering that others did really like you. If you think about that a lot it can counterbalance and maybe even outweigh the image of yourself your family gave you which of course is utter trash.

As to your second question, and please remember this is just my experience and opinion, but there is very little chance of having any kind of relationship with an N.  They don't change and they don't connect with anyone.  They simply use others as their source of attention, doing their bidding etc.  They live in an alternate universe so it's difficult if not impossible to relate to them.  It is a really tough thing to accept but somehow it's freeing when you do, at least that's how it went for me. I wasn't focused in figuring them out all the time, I turned to my own life.

Again, welcome and I hope you find this community helpful in your recovery 

[Elf Power]

Thank you! You too? Oh dear! I'm so sorry. Radical acceptance! I'm think
Big about hosting 8th Grade Graduation Redux. It makes me feel so much better!

[storyworld]

I'm sorry for the pain you suffered. I understand the confusion and ... not sure how to word it except, inner ick, that comes from such situations. I can't speak for you, as I know each our journeys are unique, but I've been told the shame of thinking we're unlikeable can take a long time to heal from. I am just coming to consider that my tendency to do so is not reality but instead, my perspective based on my wounding. That to me feels like something of progress in that it at least is helping me to take a step back and consider situations differently. It is also helping me to become a tad more open to building true friendships. (I have a tendency to form one-sided friendships where I give and support but am not comfortable receiving support in return.)

As to your question regarding relationship with a narcissist parent: while I don't know for certain my mother is narcissistic, I have had others tell me that she is. (I imagine this exists on a spectrum?) What makes it hard to know is that there were times in my childhood when she acted as if she genuinely cared, and while I always felt an emotional disconnect from her, even in her "nurturing" moments, I struggle to make sense of those things. I also see her interacting with my siblings, who have told me they know she only maintains a "relationship" for her personal emotional support, but from the outside, she can appear like a doting mother or grandmother. I think, perhaps, when our sense of reality has been disrupted for so very long, it'll probably take time for deception/confusion, etc to right itself so that we can see ourselves and others more clearly.

In my circumstances, I tried to maintain (or, more accurately, create) a relationship with my mom for some time, once I became an adult. This kept me in a constant state of feeling rejected and hurt. She reached out and acted loving when she needed something. (We helped her financially for some time.) Then disappeared for long stretches, until she lost her job, or whatever, and needed something again. Once I quit feeding into her victimhood (she likes to make people think she's always near death in some way and is either a hypochondriac or skilled manipulator; likely a bit of both) and made it clear that we weren't going to help her financially anymore, she disappeared.

In some ways, this helped me finally grieve the mother I had always longed for but wouldn't receive. But I still find myself wondering what I can do to "fix" things and make her want to connect with me. I honestly don't know if that will ever go away, in part because as a mom myself, it's hard to wrap my head around how a mother could completely drop/forget about their child unless that child did something horrific. And also, because, as my therapist once said, the belief that I was the problem was drilled so deeply into me, it became my reality. I am just now beginning to look back on my childhood through a different lens. It sounds like perhaps you are gaining clarity as well. May that clarity lead to healing.

[Kizzie]

   Great post Storyworld and so spot on about N parents. You just can't connect with them because something in their lives broke them. It doesn't excuse them (IMO), but it does help explain why there are the way they are and somehow, for me at least, it makes things somewhat less personal.  Took a long time to figure that out though.  I'm glad in a bit of an odd way N abuse survivors here are telling their stories so younger members can get to that level of understanding without going on for years trying to sort things out. I just stumbled around for quite a long time before I got to this point and I admit I resent losing all that time.   

[Chaos rains]

Oh, Elf, I feel this!! I was also born "flawed." In my case it was a club foot, which I suspect ruined my mother's expectations of her unrealistic version of a life and family. She has a tendency towards magical thinking in that way. I don't know how many times I heard, growing up, that all she wanted for her second child to be was HEALTHY. As I got to be a little older other medical issues arose, and then eventually other ones related to the stress of being the scapegoat and disappointing child in the family, but it reinforced her belief of me being "unhealthy." My brother is the golden child - a whole story in itself.

To your questions:
1. You grieve. I also knew something was very wrong with my family, and I even moved thousands of miles away from them for that reason, but it wasn't until I was in my mid-50's that I learned what it was. My heart broke with the realization of what my life could have been with a family that cared and nurtured. You have to allow yourself the space to mourn, and to recover, so that you can move on. It *is* sad, and unfair, but it is also in the past.

2. I was very low contact with my mother for about 10 years, and then a couple of years ago went no-contact. Once she started going after my husband and our family, my family of choice, I decided it was one boundary too many and I stopped responding to her texts and emails.

Welcome to OOTS, the warmest, most welcoming, least judgmental place on earth. We get you.

[Elf Power]

Thank you everyone! I'm trying to figure out how to @ on this site
Thank you Kizzie.
Thank you storyworld. I'm closer to acceptance than I thought. Being healthy and connected to my true self is way better than FOG.
Thank you Chaos Rains! I just thought of a family I used to be close with whose first child had a club foot. He had to brace his feet very young it was terrible for him! He runs around normal now! I hope you were able to get the medical attention you needed and no one is born flawed! Every child is perfect! No matter what. My holy cow moment was realizing I was scapegoated because I was vulnerable due to my deafness. And how horrible is that!!! I'm processing what that really means. May I DM you if you are comfortable sharing your experience? Thank you!!!!
Thanks again everyone.

[Elf Power]

Ok too soon for a PM I just reread the member guidelines. Thank you!

[Papa Coco]

Elf Power

Welcome to the forum. I was struck by your question, "could I go back in time please?" which hit home with me. I too grew up in a home where I was mobbed. I was also mobbed at a religious based school from 1st through 8th grade. By 14 years of age, I knew that love was a conditional behavior. I guess it's called Transactional Love. I would only be loved if I people-pleased. From highchair days to adulthood, my family would punish me by ignoring me if I wasn't what they wanted me to be at the moment. I didn't know love could be anything other than transactional.

Well, after 30 years of therapy, my latest and best therapist one day was able to convince me that some people did love me unconditionally. I've since begun to remember things differently, and I realize that there were friends I'd made along the way that did care about me, even when I wasn't doing stuff for them. I've often wanted to go back in time so I could enjoy their friendship without feeling like I had to keep earning it every second.

Thank you for sharing these intimate insights with us.

[Elf Power]

Papa Coco I'm so sorry for your painful experiences. Just so you know the narc grooms you to be passive which attacks the bullies and to please others before yourself so they can be lifted up and have "yes men" around them. Why it was like this for us is a mystery. We are here now. I find listening to music from when I was younger helps take me back. It's called retrowave and I'm back in my 80s childhood!!! My true self comes out. Reparent yourself to accept love unconditionally. I think it's possible to feel ok about missing out when we heal and are finally in touch with our true selves. I'm still looking foreword to that time. It's coming soon! Wishing you healing!