To the sister I don't know how to keep loving

[healingme]

Dear younger sister,
I adored your tiny little fingers & toes when I saw you for the first time 37 years ago.
I beamed with glee when I've been allowed to hold you for the first time. I felt protective of you as soon as I recognized how fragile you were.

Down the line, I vividly remember the day I embraced you between my arms when you came to me with terror in your eyes as you saw your first period and thought you were dying (since our M epically failed to prepare us for what lies ahead, time & time again).

I remember soothing you, assuring you there's nothing to fear, explaining to you how it's the nature of our bodies and telling you you are now blooming like a beautiful flower. That's when I was 17 years old (I think I did very well calming you down & supporting you).


To look back at all of that and see how you grew up and somehow choose to stay away from me despite the many times you turned to me for help throughout the years and found my genuine love unshakable; throws me into an endless loop of trying to figure out what could possibly be the reason behind your deliberate indifference and obvious avoidance.


I sometimes feel like you just don't like me as a person. Or maybe I'm too basic looking for your luxurious lifestyle. Or is it because of my ability to see right through you so you don't want me detecting whatever you're trying to hide ?


No matter what it is, it is consuming me, causing me a lot of stress, ruminating and even resentment sometimes. I thought we'll be best friends the way sisters normally are. I watched all my friends disappear mysteriously throughout the years until I found myself alone. Now watching how you don't put any effort into coming closer or allowing me in when I initiate building a bridge time after time is just heartbreaking. It makes me feel so disgusting or as if I have the plague !!


Thus, I am angry, hurt, offended..
I don't deserve this from you, I've been nothing but caring, nurturing, understanding, forgiving, supportive and real.


I decided not to care anymore. My time and energy are better spent on my well-being.

I choose myself.. I chose to let go.


I release you

I don't have to love you or not love you

I exist, you exist

I do me, you do you

[NarcKiddo]

Much of this resonates. I have no relationship to speak of with my younger sister now although I was expected to act like a parent towards her. Our parents have damaged us both and our relationship, too.

It sounds like you have come to the best conclusion, however painful it is to let go.

Maybe she will come back one day. It sounds like you have left room in your heart for that eventuality. But I am glad to read that your priority is now you.

[healingme]

Ooooh NarcKidoo, it melts my heart to feel understood.. I got worried for a second when no one replied and thought "was this too much  "

thank you for witnessing me 

yes, I come first, but I'll always keep the spot reserved for her exclusively. I sure hope her journey brings her back whenever its time if ever.

for now I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone having found all the support I dreamed about in here..

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Moondance]

Healing me,

I haven't posted for a while on the forum but just wanted to say that I could have written that very same letter.  I continue to be amazed at how relatable posts are on this forum.

I am nc with my FO for the most part but for sure not with my younger sister.  There is a lot of  bad history, pain there for me that I've yet to deal with.

I am saddened that your relationship with your sister is as is.  I feel or sense, please correct me if I'm wrong such a sadness. Perhaps I'm projecting because I grieve and am so saddened with what my relationship with my sister. 

I hear you letting go and I'm glad for you as difficult as it is. 

So not only could I really relate to your letter but I learn from it as well.  Thank you so much for sharing your heart.

  if okay

[healingme]

Hello Moondance,
You are right there's a lot of sadness. I also am grieving what could have been..
and reminding myself the best thing I could do to someone sometimes is to let them fly.

virtual hugs to you