faint memories of someone else TW

[tryingtokeepmoving]

I can't tell if I am misinterpreting these faint remembrances or not, but they scare me because they involve a female family member I thought was safe. She was one of the only FOO family members I kept contact with. She is nearly 90, her husband passed away recently.
I feel pity for her, and have good memories with her.

These faint weird memories don't involve her abusing me but rather my male cousin who was a year older than me. I have no contact with him currently and no one in my family has ever recognized other instances of abuse so I have no one to ask.
This memory was definitely at my grandmas house but I don't remember who exactly was involved except for my male cousin. And my other cousin, my sister, and I walking in on them while we were all children being watched at my grandparents house while our parents were at work.

I guess I just wait and see if more information shakes out of my mind? (as has been the case previously with other memories). I'm struggling with wanting to maintain contact with my grandma as this abuse is unconfirmed and with cutting ties, as I feel gross continuing to call her to see how she's doing with all this going on. I haven't talked to her in maybe a month or so and feel guilty as I know she is very old lonely, but I feel very conflicted.

[PaperDoll]

Hi tryingtokeepmoving,

I had an experience of a memory resurfacing after a short series of EMDR sessions. The memory involved my uncle who I had always seen as pretty harmless despite him having some peculiar ways. I was very confused and distressed by this new memory. It involved a visual flashback and strong physical reactions. I was still trembling hours later and hardly spoke in the days following, in some kind of shock. Frustratingly the memory was incomplete so I am tormenting myself trying to fill in the gaps.

I have seen the family member once since the flashback. He still messages me on my birthday and public holidays but I have stopped responding.

I haven't been able to speak to a therapist about it yet but what helped me a little what that regardless of whether the memory is entirely accurate or not, my body is trying to tell me something by bringing it to my attention. I haven't read The Body Keeps Score yet but maybe there will be some information on new memories in there.

Thank you for sharing your experience as it has helped me share mine. Do you have a therapist and/or a trusted friend who you can speak to? I hope you get some help to work through the situation with your grandma.

[tryingtokeepmoving]

Thank you for your reply PaperDoll,

I feel less alone knowing someone has experienced something similar, though I wish we both hadn't.

I haven't been able to speak to a therapist about it yet but what helped me a little what that regardless of whether the memory is entirely accurate or not, my body is trying to tell me something by bringing it to my attention.

This is true, regardless of whether or not the exact details are or aren't accurate, the body is trying to tell us something.
Though I find I feel a little out of control when the memories aren't clear, as I'd much rather they hadn't happened, so I find myself trying to doubt myself. I think this is a pattern my body follows where it slowly leaks out more information about a memory as I become more accepting that it in fact happened, like it knows I can only take so much at a time.

I don't have a therapist right now, I've been kind of looking but the options in my area with my health insurance aren't that great. I will continue to look for a therapist and reread The Body Keeps the Score. Hopefully we can both find some answers there.

[Lakelynn]

Hi tryingtokeepmoving,

Memories are different for everyone, even faint memories tell a story. As I've gotten older I have "placeholder" memories of a time and person, but very, very narrow. Like a slice, instead of a 3 dimensional scene. What's important are the feelings they bring up. You may or may not ever discover details.

I believe this is a process that our unconscious minds control. We can't alter it in any way. When and if you are ready, those faint outlines will turn into solid shapes. 

[Papa Coco]

Trigger Warning

TryingToKeepMoving,

My first memory of my abuse at age 7 came to me during a prostate exam when I was 19. The physical actions of the exam slammed faces and sensations into my brain. The exam was during an infection, so when the doctor's digits made contact with the prostate, the pain was excruciating and I heard a voice in my head say "If it hurts this bad I could never be a priest". The visions and sensations ended as the exam ended. I have since, spent 45 years gaining only tiny portions of the memories that started resurfacing that day.

I've struggled with my fear that I made it all up. Therapists helped me believe that my visions and sensations were real, but no actual memory will play out it's full story in my head. Bits and pieces are all I have been able to muster. Did my therapist "plant fake memories" into my head? That's been my fear for decades.

I recently read, in The Body Keeps the Score, that while intellectual memory is easily manipulated, body memory is not.  My memories of being r***ed are mostly around seeing thick black body hair, and feeling the body heat of a man who wouldn't stop when I begged him to. I remember smelling the linen of his clothing, and feeling the intense body heat, and sometimes I even feel the weight on my small body.

I've reached a point now where I thank the parts in me who have felt comfortable enough to share those sensations with me. I know how ashamed and afraid it all made me feel. I've reached a point where I'm okay not remembering much.

I write 3 pages of stream of consciousness every single morning as soon as I get out of bed. In today's morning papers I wrote about how I feel so trapped in the clutter that is my brain, my heart and my home. I asked "god" to tell me why I can't get past this. Suddenly, I heard chairs moving around on a hard church basement floor. I sensed a few dozen people moving these chairs, like they've been trapped in a loop in my brain for nearly 60 years. They're moving these chairs eternally, but nobody knows what configuration to move them to. Chaos is happening on the church floor. Chaos is happening in my heart. Chaos is happening in my head. It's all connected. I realized that the SA that I endured in that very same church basement has never stopped stirring up my emotions or my thoughts. The fact that I now believe that my body has kept the score even when my brain has forgotten all the details, is now okay with me.

I believe that every IFS part that lives within my consciousness, no matter how confused or hidden they are, is absolutely on my side. The more I can accept that it all happened, whether I remember it or not, the more my conscious protectors feel more trust in me, and are more able to let out just a little bit more of what I need to know to continue healing.

I sometimes reference a favorite movie of mine: Mysterious Skin. Two 9 y/o boys are molested by the same baseball coach. Neil (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is kind of a narcissist, being raised by a single mom who picks up men in bars and lets him raise himself under her roof. He liked being molested because it was attention from a man. He became a teenage prostitute and continued embracing the abuse. The other boy blanked out during the abuse and went on believing he'd been abducted by aliens. His memories would never come clear into his mind. He spent his entire life searching for the answer. He had a vision of a boy's face in his brain that he couldn't shake. One day, he's in a city building and sees the photos of his baseball team, recognizes Neil's face as the face that haunts him. He then spends a few scenes searching for this mystery boy. In the movie's final scene, Neil takes this boy to the house where it happened, and painstakingly told him every detail of the abuse. The movie ends with the lost boy laying his head on Neil's shoulder. I sometimes cry while watching that scene. In real life, no one ever comes to our aid and tells us what happened. This movie has a fantasy ending, but it's a fantasy I live with. If only someone who was there would just come and tell me the story so I could stop wondering.

Meanwhile, I'm accepting that my brain is allowing me to remember only what it knows I'm ready to accept. I feel like knowing the details won't really help me heal any faster. For me, accepting the memories as real, accepting the fear and chaos as being real, and accepting the damage that the abuse did to me is all I need to bring to the surface so I can heal as much as I can. If my IFS parts one day decide to take me back and tell me what happened, it'll be a nice gift. But I no longer think it will change me much. The work I do to accept THAT it happened is where 99% of the healing is. Remembering how will only satisfy my curiosity at this point.

I speak only for myself. I'm just sharing how these memories have processed through my own particular life.