Goosey's Recovery Journal

[Goosey]

I was recommended to come here and I think having a journal here might be a nice idea for me. It's a bit harder for me to feel guilty for talking "about my own stuff" (I always feel like I hog conversations without meaning to) if I'm in a small space that is quite literally for "my own stuff." I'm currently in therapy and I will probably update this as I have breakthroughs or if things come up I find interesting or want to chew on a bit.

I'm currently doing Cognitive Processing Therapy. It's been useful for me so far. My therapist wants me to keep picking apart my stuck points. It's a lot of worksheets. I like filling out forms, so I don't mind. I do better with specific instruction rather than vague points, usually. I didn't mention this in my introduction, but I am on the autism spectrum as well, and sometimes these things all overlap in my brain, affect each other. She wants to me to focus on unpacking my feelings about anger, and to discuss it in-depth next session. Anger is rough for me.

With the emotional abuse, it started when I was a teenager and I was old enough to know I was being mistreated. I was angry from the get-go. I don't enjoy thinking about what I went through, and some things will still set me off. But, for the most part, I feel like... it happened. It sucked. But I have been through the pain and come out the other side. I spent those years furious, grieving, processing until I was all out of those feelings. It got to a point where I felt like something had been "completed." I "burnt out" but not in a bad way, I just had to feel all of the ugly and all of the bad, in its horrible entirety, for my brain to finally accept that we're okay again. To finally come back to the present. And I metaphorically rose from the ashes.

I kind of expected the same thing to happen with the CSA. Even though that started when I was very young, and I didn't even realize that what I had gone through was not normal until I was seventeen. I was kind of doing the classic "if I don't make eye contact and don't move, maybe it'll go away" kind of deal. I mistook numbness for peace, I think. I can look at both things that have happened to me and know I am in different places for them.

With my CSA, it feels like I am stuck in an odd state of denial. When I do have lucid moments of self-awareness, I go into a temporary angry state that often fades as soon as it starts and then I'm back to my "emotional comfort zone" of numbness and denial that it was "even that bad." Sprinkle in moments of deep dread and fear when I'm set off by something and that's been my life for the past number of years since I realized that something wasn't right here.

And shame. So much shame! About who I am as a person, about taking up space, about asserting my needs, about my body itself. I exist in a perpetual state of "don't hurt me," it's obvious to friends and acquaintances how excessively apologetic I am. It's a protective measure, but it also makes me feel so little, and like my existence is a walking guilt trip.

I can call my emotional abuse "emotional abuse" and not feel guilty. I cannot call my sexual abuse "sexual abuse" without feeling guilty, like I'm deceiving people, like I'm just "being too sensitive." Because that's what she always told me. My therapist pointed out that it's normal I am "stuck" on this point so deeply, because that was her main justification for her actions. It was what I grew up hearing. That I was the problem, that I was too sensitive, that I was overreacting to something benign.

The realization I had been eating up all the lies she told me to keep me complacent and internalized them so deeply into my worldview made my stomach churn. I realized I don't want her narrative. I don't want to keep believing what she told me. It changed my perspective on it. It felt like by listening to this stuck point I was betraying myself, and I didn't like how that felt. It lit a new fire on me to work on recovery. It sparked a bit of anger in me, which is always a good sign for me. Anger is progress, moving bit by bit past the denial phase. Or at least, I hope.

Anyways... very long entry, probably. Sorry. Not sure if it's too long or something. And it's a little scary to put this all out there. But I figured it'd make sense to start with where therapy has been taking me, what my next goals are with it and maybe some added context about where I'm at. She wants me to do a worksheet about what's blocking my anger, and I'm interested as to what I'm even going to write because I honestly don't know what's blocking me fully. Maybe it's easier to believe that you really are just over-dramatic than it is to confront how bad it was, I don't know. Either way.

Thank you for reading!

[Armee]

Hi welcome, Goosey. I'm sorry you were abused emotionally and sexually. All of what you wrote will be relatable to many if not all of us. I get angry about weird little things but not the big stuff and not the people who harmed me. I don't have a solution but I'll be interested if what your therapist has assigned helps.

[Blueberry]

I was recommended to come here and I think having a journal here might be a nice idea for me. It's a bit harder for me to feel guilty for talking "about my own stuff" (I always feel like I hog conversations without meaning to) if I'm in a small space that is quite literally for "my own stuff." I'm currently in therapy and I will probably update this as I have breakthroughs or if things come up I find interesting or want to chew on a bit.

I'm sorry you would feel guilty about writing about your own stuff on other areas of the forum. That being the case, I certainly understand your own journal feeling a safer space! And it is a good space for breakthroughs or chewing on things from therapy.

You wonder about longer posts at the end of your entry. On your journal you can do what you want in reason and in accordance with Mbr Guidelines. Not all mbrs (regularly) read journals and some mbrs have trouble reading long posts so might not read yours simply on that account or may not start reading a journal at all because of long posts.

And shame. So much shame! About who I am as a person, about taking up space, about asserting my needs, about my body itself. I exist in a perpetual state of "don't hurt me," it's obvious to friends and acquaintances how excessively apologetic I am. It's a protective measure, but it also makes me feel so little, and like my existence is a walking guilt trip.

... I cannot call my sexual abuse "sexual abuse" without feeling guilty, like I'm deceiving people, like I'm just "being too sensitive." Because that's what she always told me. My therapist pointed out that it's normal I am "stuck" on this point so deeply, because that was her main justification for her actions. It was what I grew up hearing. That I was the problem, that I was too sensitive, that I was overreacting to something benign.

I just want to let you know how much I resonate with what you write here, especially about the sexual abuse. I agree with your T. It's a lot easier to say it for somebody else (you!) than for myself. You aren't and weren't the problem, you aren't and weren't too sensitive. It was and is what was done to you.

With the other stuff, I'm also in a perpetual state, but of something slightly different. But it's the 'perpetual state' you write about that resonates so much with me. Shame is a huge topic for many of us on here.
So once again, welcome to the forum, glad you found us, but sorry you need us.

[NarcKiddo]

The journal area is for you to write as you see fit so I don't think there is a need to be worried about writing too much. If you are seeking comments on particular points you are better off making shorter posts in the relevant forum area, with a suitable title to direct people to the post, simply because you are likely to get more responses that way. But to get things "out there", this section is ideal. I don't personally think your post is too long. You have chunked it up into paragraphs so it is approachable to read, which is great.

I read it all and I was really glad to hear you have come out the other side of the emotional abuse. That is where I would love to get one day.

I have no experience of the other aspect but I wish you all the best as you unpack it with your therapist.

[Papa Coco]

Goosey,

Thank you for courageously sharing so many deep aspects of yourself. I say courageously because courage is not the absence of fear, it's moving forward despite the presence of fear. No one here has ever expected me to share more than I feel comfortable sharing, and that's one reason I call this forum a safe place. At the same time, when I do feel the need to share more, but also feel anxiety around it, the people here are compassionate with me on that too. It's a safe place to say as much or as little as we each feel safe doing.

I know the feeling of anxiety in disclosing our issues openly. It's frightening to me also. I resonate with you on that. I have found the wonderful people on this forum are compassionate and empathetic, and they also know the anxiety and shame of accepting and disclosing our past struggles with each other, so they comfort me when I feel afraid that I've disclosed too much. A common thread on this forum is that we are all on the same side. The readers of my posts want me to succeed just as I want them to succeed in their healing journeys also.

This has been a safe place for me for 2 years now.

It sounds like you've found a therapist that works well with you. I'm glad to hear that. Finding the right therapist is a gift.

Complex PTSD is, as its name implies, complex. Some members of this forum like to say that we are traumatized not by one big injury, but by a thousand tiny cuts. Our cause was complex. Our triggers are complex. Our reactions are complex, and our healing journey can be complex. I am a recovering alcoholic who spent many an evening in AA meetings where I learned to take recovery from anything--including CSA and long-term emotional abuse--one day at a time. Strive for progress rather than perfection, and keep the support of kindred souls at hand. This forum is my team of kindred souls. So far, in two years, no matter what I've gone through, the people on this forum have known what it felt like to be where I'm at, and they have given me a great deal of comfort and strength. There is great personal strength in knowing I'm not alone in how I'm feeling.



On a side note:
Thank you for disclosing that you are on the autism spectrum. My wife and one of my sons are on the spectrum. After 40 years of loving her, I've begun to grasp many of the subtle differences in how my wife and I process information. When she's really, really sad, she becomes stoically quiet. My dad used to get stoically quiet when he was blaming me for all his troubles. My wife's quietness used to frighten me because I was raised by people who would go quiet and refuse to talk to me if I behaved in ways that they didn't like or if they were about to blame me for their unhappiness. (I suppose this feeds into my feelings of shame but also my tendency to feel separation anxiety). So, when my wife gets quiet, my own PTSD flairs up. I have to call upon my own courage to work with my own anxieties and remind myself that she's not mad at me in the ways my family used to be, but rather, she's sad about something. I now recognize this as a time to support her rather than hide from her. I've learned to lovingly ask her what's on her mind, but in order to do so I first have to push aside my frightened inner child who wants to hide from anyone who won't talk to me. She's one of the most loving human beings I've ever known, so learning how her brain processes emotion in subtly different ways than how mine processes emotion, helps me to be there to support her while other people don't recognize her sadness.

[Goosey]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and wishes! I wanted to reply to everyone individually in full but I won't lie, I'm a bit overwhelmed (not in a bad way, just an "ah, so many thoughts and words I want to say" way.) I wish I could upload my gratitude and send that instead, since I often have to translate my thoughts into words manually.

I'm glad to hear my post wasn't too long, I took a lot of care to break it up into digestible bits. I wrote it and re-wrote it quite a bit, aha. Technically, I trimmed a lot, but I'm glad I did. I sometimes forget that I don't have to cram everything in one go.

I see my therapist tomorrow and discussing that anger is going to be the focus of the session, so I will probably end up reporting back at some point about it and how it went. I was a bit nervous around her at first but I've settled by now and I enjoy working with her a lot. I think a part of that is that I find people hard to read.

To everyone who said what I said was relatable, I'm both sorry to hear that and grateful you shared it with me. It's such a common experience I think. I think we're all nicer to others than we are ourselves. I think I've joked before that "everyone's pain is valid... except mine." It sounds so silly when you spell it out that way... but poking fun at my own illogical thought processes helps me break them down with a smile.

Anyways, thank you everyone, again.

[Goosey]

I had therapy yesterday. For homework, I had to do a worksheet we do that involves breaking down a stuck point. Going over evidence for and against, that sort of thing. Normally, I'm pretty decent at these. But this one, the one I did about why I "shouldn't be angry," was suddenly very difficult.

Normally, when I do these, it often involves a form of self-communion. There is often a more emotional "me" who believes the negative belief and my more "rational side" who knows it's a trauma-based belief and not true. However, with this one, I found that I could not rationalize with the emotional side of myself at all. There was a block, and I was totally stuck. I would make points, but even I didn't fully believe them, and my emotional side was shut down entirely. Just:

"No, we can't be mad, because we don't have permission."
"Why?"
"Because we don't have permission."
"Why do we need permission?"
"Because we need it."

Regardless of how brief the worksheet ended up being, my therapist was still proud of what I did write down, and it seemed to still bring useful information to the forefront so I guess that's a win. The block with my anger is a unique block to the ones we've addressed before. It feels deeper than something that can be rationalized with.

I told her that it's not like I am angry and am just pushing it away. It's that I feel entirely numb about it 98% of the time, and the only evidence I have that there's anger under the surface at all are the rare moments it bubbles up, only to fizz away. Sometimes I worry I'm making it all up.

She asked me what usually sets off the anger response, and I was honest and said the only way I usually get angry about what happened is if I imagine it in a third person sense. She found this interesting and brought up inner child work. I know there is a section on the forums for that, so I will probably be checking that out. She wondered if maybe approaching it from that angle would help me push past the numbness. She also brought up the concern that I may be dissociated from what happened and therefore also my anger about it.

I don't know much about the therapeutic practice, but I have spoken to my inner child extensively before. I don't wish to go into detail, but I had some pretty bad issues with dissociation as a teenager. Never diagnosed with anything because my situation was weird, but it was talked about extensively. I'm in a much better place now regarding feeling connected to my actions and my self-identity, but some benign remnants from that time still remain. They don't bother me because they don't distress or impair me in any way.

I was talking a bit about these past conversations with my inner child and she made an off-hand comment about "not going too far with it, now," and mentioned Dissociative Identity Disorder for some reason. I never even mentioned DID or anything like that. I know what she meant, she was just warning me to not accidentally induce dissociation where there currently isn't any by splitting myself into parts to speak with them. But my brain took it as accusatory, for some reason, like she was accusing me of... making my own problems? Taking something too far? I'm really not sure. But it made me feel weird. It brought back a lot of bad memories of being a very mentally unwell teenager who had "too many problems," and while I was never outright accused of anything, I often felt my mental health care providers didn't take me seriously.

I kind of mentally "checked out" and just began to follow the motions after that. I know she didn't do anything wrong, but I felt uncomfortable. I know she meant it from concern, but I know my limits. She doesn't even know my full history with dissociation because I speak about it very vaguely because the alternative is frightening and uncomfortable, so I can't blame her at all. I just laughed it off and reassured her I wouldn't.

Anyways, that's basically the gist of what happened. I'm going to do my own research and work on my worksheet assignments for next week. And try to shake off the weird feelings this session gave me.

[Armee]

Aw I pretty much could have written this post.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of CBT right now and my experience with it was exactly as you described. I found a lot more success working with these beliefs through EMDR because it allows both sides to talk and come to agreement almost automatically and instantly. CBT really didn't work for the reasons you describe. My therapist has recently added IFS parts work... I tend to pick up new approaches pretty slowly though. I also have concerns with DID, and probably would match the diagnostic criteria but also bristled quite a bit when my T casually mentioned it. It's OK. It doesn't really matter where you fall on the spectrum and CPTSD is already considered sort of in the middle of the dissociative spectrum. Going slow though is always helpful, and going fast almost never.

[Goosey]

Aw I pretty much could have written this post.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of CBT right now and my experience with it was exactly as you described. I found a lot more success working with these beliefs through EMDR because it allows both sides to talk and come to agreement almost automatically and instantly. CBT really didn't work for the reasons you describe. My therapist has recently added IFS parts work... I tend to pick up new approaches pretty slowly though. I also have concerns with DID, and probably would match the diagnostic criteria but also bristled quite a bit when my T casually mentioned it. It's OK. It doesn't really matter where you fall on the spectrum and CPTSD is already considered sort of in the middle of the dissociative spectrum. Going slow though is always helpful, and going fast almost never.

Yeah, I believe what we're doing is called CPT and when I did my own research on it, it seems to be an offshoot of CBT. It's not like it's not working at all for me, which I'm glad for, but there are definitely some issues it feels like it'll be difficult to reach out to. I can definitely how it could end up doing nothing for certain people, and I'm glad you found something that worked better for you.

And, that's good to know. As I've gotten older I've become less eager and antsy to label every little thing I experience and am coming to just trust the gradual process. Regardless of what exactly's going on, I'm in a better place than I was and that's a good thing. Thank you for the kind words!

[NarcKiddo]

Regardless of what exactly's going on, I'm in a better place than I was and that's a good thing.

Yes, that is a good thing. I am happy to read it.