Needing support for the time N ex flirted with someone in front of me

[Keirshy]

Hi everyone

I'm afraid my ex is a narcissist. I'd just like to share one of the many horrifying experiences I had with them. Warning, it's a long story.

After a few months in the devaluing phase, my ex threatened to leave by saying "if he didn't have a good social time soon, he'd go".

So we went out with new "friends".

The entire time he flirted with the girlfriend of one of his friends! Right in front of the both of us!

At the time, I was so afraid of losing him that I said nothing! Not a word to either of them! I went into complete fawn mode and just tried to ignore and become more charming! How awful! I can't believe I ever did that, but I did...and now I'm so embarrassed and enraged about it.

After THREE HOURS of watching them do this, I confronted him on the walk home. He concurred it did feel flirty, but "he wasn't sure".

I was so mad I couldn't talk the entire walk home. At the apartment we shared, I blew up, so mad, cried and yelled and I didn't care who heard me. I've never been so disrespected my entire life! Then I cried for hours, and the narc comforted me. But something deep inside me couldn't be comforted. I was so enraged, so scared of him (though I didn't know at the time). He acted sweet. But now I bet he enjoyed it.

The next two days, WE DID NOT TALK ABOUT IT. He kept saying he had work. I had to journal and process everything myself. I believed that he really didn't know he was flirting! (How! A 30 year old man who's slept with over 20 women doesn't know when he's flirting?!) I wanted to believe him. I wanted to think it was innocent.

But no, this, combined with the fact he'd slept with a married woman and felt no remorse, that he wanted flings in a non-monogamous (NM) relationship in the future...everything just screamed "He's a big ugly cheater and a liar".

And so I told this to my counsellor. I expressed how angry I was at the girl for flirting with my boyfriend, in front of her own boyfriend! (How do such terrible people even exist?!) My counsellor, who's seen me for years, was so happy to hear I was expressing my rage. I felt empowered. And then I expressed the same anger I felt to my narc.

He then blamed ME! The audacity!!! He said I showed no signs of being hurt, which was true, but it was under the threat that he'd leave me if he didn't have fun! And he even said he can't tell when a person is flirting with him, and he can never tell! This is from a man doing a PhD. He said he'd just talk me up instead of learning to tell when he was flirting. I realise now that this is just a was to stroke his own ego, AS USUAL!

And his "solution" made me so uncomfortable. Oh my god. I can't believe the bulk of that conversation was blaming me for not speaking up! He didn't even feel remorse. He was calm the whole time. It's terrifying. A monster. Truly, an inhuman monster. I can't believe I was living with such a monster for months.

I felt so alone, so afraid. Every cell in me told me he was lying, he did know he was flirting, he just wanted to hurt me. (He later admitted he did want to hurt me during another incident). I felt he is a cheater. I still do. I cannot believe I stayed with him after that. The humiliation! I felt so small and trapped and alone. Now, I'm so sad that he could've treated me that way, that he never loved me. Nobody who loves someone, who respects someone, who cherishes someone, would ever, EVER blame their bad behaviour on their partner. If I were with someone truly loving, I wouldn't have felt so bad, so scared, so BLAMED for something that was primarily their bad behaviour!

The kicker was during our breakup he actually told me he had enjoyed the flirting, and that he knew he could've learned not to flirt with women. It was awful.

He really didn't care about me. He just used NM to plan to cheat on me. I can't believe how used I was. I can't believe I chose not to see the signs earlier. I feel so ashamed of myself. I'd completely abandoned myself in that relationship. I had no self-respect at all. And now I still feel a little worthless, like I somehow deserved all of that, that maybe it was all my fault like he said. And I hate it so much. I hate what he did to me. I hate that I'm crying now and that I have to read books on this, and talk about it, and I get flashbacks and I hate it all. I deserve so much better than that. I "know" I'm amazing but I don't feel it.

What do I do now? All I feel is "maybe he can change", "sometimes he did treat me well", "maybe I'm wrong about him". I feel so scared of him, so much that I just want to run away. There's a festival we were supposed to go together, but I'm afraid to see him. I want to see my other friend, and go to a festival, but I'm afraid of him there. Primarily I feel fear and rage towards him, but sometimes I also feel a compulsion to change him. I know the compulsion has to do with the "saving my mom" fantasy I developed as a kid. But I'm afraid to be alone and make my own life. Who am I if not someone to be beat around and mistreated? What do I do if not to constantly heal myself from being broken?

This turned into a bit of a rant. Thanks for listening. I really just need to say it to a supportive community.

[Lakelynn]

Hello Keirshy,

It takes a lot of energy to write these stories and you grabbed the details from memory, sat down and wrote it. All very soon after joining.  It helps you and those who are getting to know you.

Ranting is perfectly fine here, no problem.

The things I see in you are your awareness of yourself and how you feel through difficult events. For people who've been told repeatedly what we think and feel is NOT true, it takes a lot to think/see/feel despite that discounting. I admire your tenacity, this is soul crushing. I'm sorry that you were treated so badly, and that morphed into his cycle of blame and shame.

Two more points. I'm glad your counselor encouraged you to express your rage, and I'm glad you have developed a bond over time.

You know what you need to be safe and happy. You can trust yourself to follow any intuition you have to provide it. I'm glad you posted and joined us.

[Keirshy]

Thank you Lakelynn! I'm really happy that I finally wrote and shared that with a group, in all the feelings I had. It's really cleansing. The shame is going away bit by bit, like removing the band aid a bit at a time. That's a a metaphor I read from here, and it's been a great visualisation for this healing journey.

It's true he was so bad to me. I think the compulsion for me to stick around was this belief that if I could be better, my mom would finally love me. And like a band aid, that belief saved me from gushing blood. But now I want to really heal the cut itself, so that I don't need the band aid anymore. It's really amazing what my mind came up with to survive, like the creativity involved in all that.

I hope it wasn't too much info too fast haha. I tended to attach too early too. But I really want to find a support group that has good give and take. I think that's really healing for everyone.

Thanks for reading and for your reply!!! It means a lot

[Lakelynn]

Keirshy, when you say "It's really amazing what my mind came up with to survive, like the creativity involved in all that." Absolutely true! Our individual stories are so unique and contain many elements, we want to write our own ending, on our own terms. Nope, it wasn't too much info too fast. Many people dip their toe in here and that's all we see. Then others take a dive in. This is the place to find what you're looking for.

Could you be the heroine? Would you have a group of supporters? Who might they be? Are they internal or external? It's fun to think about our power and the way we can use it, and recognize it in others as well.

I'm in the process of writing for the anthology collection posted on the main page. OOTS MEMBERS ARE WRITING THEIR STORIES FOR A BOOK & WE'D LOVE FOR YOU TO ADD YOURS (THEY ARE ANONYMOUS). Writing even part of your story, wherever it is, can be a way to process and take one more step along that healing road.

[storyworld]

I'm sorry for your pain. It can hurt to realize someone one cares about was, in essence, "playing" them. I hope you experience healing.

[Keirshy]

Thanks Lakelynn and storyworld for the supportive replies.

To Lakelynn, I wouldn't mind having my story there, but I'm travelling now and I'm not sure I have the time or energy to make it by the deadline. I read it was Oct 5. I'm trying to de-stress my life you see.

I'm really happy that I did join this community. I'd love to read and post more here.

To storyworld, thank you for the well wishes. I am healing now, not just running away. Wishing you healing too!