Introducing myself, my situation, and looking forward to healing.

[Bert]

Hi OOTS. I'm a male in my late twenty's and from the UK.

I've never really done this before, so forgive me if I get anything wrong.

Having experienced my third debilitating "episode" of adulthood panic & anxiety (which I now clearly understand to be child-regression) over the last few years, it's been revealed to me by working with a therapist, that I have CPTSD.

My mother has BPD, is exceptionally narcissistic and has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. She is a master manipulator and generally a very toxic individual. My father, is a very insecure man who is ruled by her. He has tremendous anger and temper issues, and his head is thoroughly "buried in the sand", to the extent that he would stop at nothing to protect his illusion that his marriage and his wife, is perfect.

I recognise now that this is not normal... That my childhood was plagued with neglect and I was constantly used as an emotional (and very occasionally physical) punchbag. The environment that my parents created was one that I very rarely felt safe and secure in. And nor were they.

The child-regression I eluded to above which heavily impacts my present life, is quite clearly as a result of the well rehearsed survival mechanism which I developed as a child. I'd characterise it as flight-freeze. When triggers occur (which are always relational or "success" related), my sense of self-worth, self-esteem, self-protection and optimism go flying out of the window. I panic profusely for days, and for weeks/months, I am fearful of everyone and everything. Incapable of doing the smallest of things. Thankfully, I have a wonderful wife who I am eternally grateful for, for her patience, understanding and care.

Up until I left home, I was controlled by my father (through fear and guilt), to forgive my mother's behaviours and to just love her. Effectively, to allow her to wreck havoc within me. Regardless of the horror stories and events that would occur in his absence (he was always out of the house working, or busy), he would brush them off and somehow convince me that it is my fault that I can't ignore or excuse her. When my father was around, the house would be a constant whirlwind of screaming matches, doors slamming, and my space would often be invaded... Sometimes it would be my mother desperately barging in calling for my help/protection.

And the last thing I'd like to share, is that achievement and accomplishment were highly decorated in my childhood and to this day... but for the wrong reasons. You see, my parents take great pleasure in my "success", because it feeds their void. For my mother, it feeds her narcissism (MY child is great because of me) despite how grossly she has ever treated me. And for my father, it reinforces his illusion that his wife and marriage is perfect. Again, despite the immense suffering I experience to this day.

Thanks for reading everybody.

(it feels nice to anonymously share this intro, and I'm hopeful that I will engage with a few individuals via this forum that resonate with my experience)

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, Bert. I'm also from the UK, though female and in my fifties.

Much of what you say resonates with me, especially the requirement to achieve. I'm guessing that your "success" was only regarded as such if it was something THEY wanted you to achieve.

I'm glad you have been able to work with a therapist and that you have found your way here (though of course I sympathise deeply with the reasons you find yourself wanting to be here). Wishing you all the best in your path towards healing.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a very warm welcome from across the pond in Canada Bert    I so relate with your story as my M was a covert N who had a persona of the perfect mother, wife, sister, aunt ....  My F was an alcoholic and very much invested in us keeping her persona firmly in place because I think it made life easier for him.  She was happier when we complied.

I was the lost child and scapegoat and my NB the golden child because he was a jock and a pilot. Things changed when I got my doctorate and then I was the Golden Child and my B was the scapegoat because his marriage failed. It was all so incredibly confusing and crazy making until I came to understand narcissism and how that all works. 

I know there are many others here at OOTS with stories like the three of us so you are in 'good' company.  Our stories aren't good at all but we are, it just takes knowing what happened and having a supportive community who gets it to understand and slowly begin to accept that.   

[Lakelynn]

Greetings Bert,

Welcome to the forum. You have definitely got it "right." To recognize that your early life was not normal and that your reactions to life now are the same is really over half the battle. There's always self-doubt and questioning, "was it really that bad? But I was able to __________." As you've seen, success in one realm does not translate into inner peace, balance or security. Give yourself credit for reaching out here and continuing your present awareness.

You have two wonderful resources in your life; you wife and therapist. I imagine that the forum will become the third.
Thanks for posting.

[Bert]

Thank you all for your kind responses.

NarcKiddo - interestingly... I often ignored what they wanted me to do. It was always met with antagonising disapproval and shame. But as soon as the path I decided to tread started to yield fruit so-to-speak, they (my narc mother most predominantly) would rush in like vultures to claim credit.

Kizzie - I'm so sorry we're in a similar boat. It is proving to be extremely difficult to come to terms and accept what I'm now realising. As I've been gaslit for such a long time, my instinct to snap out of it, blame myself for how I feel, and almost kid myself into thinking everything is okay and can continue as we were, is quite frustrating. For the first time ever, I'm cultivating thoughts of self-compassion, self-love, patience - but having to constantly wrestle with a debilitating inner-critic.

Lakelynn - That's so very true... by all of those around me, they would perceive me as a well put-together, competent individual, without the faintest idea that I regularly experience inner turmoil. It's quite clear that a part of my survival strategy up unto this day has been to be outstanding in as many departments of life as possible. That way, I can just about persuade my fragile sense of self that I am indeed enough. As soon as the smallest thing goes wrong, I thoroughly crumble to the ground 

I'm really grateful to have found this resource and to connect with you all.

[StartingHealing]

Bert,

While the dynamics in my adoptive family were different I can relate.  Person in role of mother had issues and was addicted to xanax.  She was a master at fear, obligation, guilt and shame.  To get me to knuckle under.  While this was going on at home, she also presented herself as a paragon in the small farming community in which we lived. 

I do wish that you find peace. 

[Bert]

Hi StartingHealing,

Thank you for sharing that with me, and for taking the time to read my intro. Let us both find that inner-peace that seems to elude us so frequently.

[j i m]

Hi OOTS. I'm a male in my late twenty's and from the UK.

I've never really done this before, so forgive me if I get anything wrong.

Having experienced my third debilitating "episode" of adulthood panic & anxiety (which I now clearly understand to be child-regression) over the last few years, it's been revealed to me by working with a therapist, that I have CPTSD.

My mother has BPD, is exceptionally narcissistic and has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. She is a master manipulator and generally a very toxic individual. My father, is a very insecure man who is ruled by her. He has tremendous anger and temper issues, and his head is thoroughly "buried in the sand", to the extent that he would stop at nothing to protect his illusion that his marriage and his wife, is perfect.

I recognise now that this is not normal... That my childhood was plagued with neglect and I was constantly used as an emotional (and very occasionally physical) punchbag. The environment that my parents created was one that I very rarely felt safe and secure in. And nor were they.

The child-regression I eluded to above which heavily impacts my present life, is quite clearly as a result of the well rehearsed survival mechanism which I developed as a child. I'd characterise it as flight-freeze. When triggers occur (which are always relational or "success" related), my sense of self-worth, self-esteem, self-protection and optimism go flying out of the window. I panic profusely for days, and for weeks/months, I am fearful of everyone and everything. Incapable of doing the smallest of things. Thankfully, I have a wonderful wife who I am eternally grateful for, for her patience, understanding and care.

Up until I left home, I was controlled by my father (through fear and guilt), to forgive my mother's behaviours and to just love her. Effectively, to allow her to wreck havoc within me. Regardless of the horror stories and events that would occur in his absence (he was always out of the house working, or busy), he would brush them off and somehow convince me that it is my fault that I can't ignore or excuse her. When my father was around, the house would be a constant whirlwind of screaming matches, doors slamming, and my space would often be invaded... Sometimes it would be my mother desperately barging in calling for my help/protection.

And the last thing I'd like to share, is that achievement and accomplishment were highly decorated in my childhood and to this day... but for the wrong reasons. You see, my parents take great pleasure in my "success", because it feeds their void. For my mother, it feeds her narcissism (MY child is great because of me) despite how grossly she has ever treated me. And for my father, it reinforces his illusion that his wife and marriage is perfect. Again, despite the immense suffering I experience to this day.

Thanks for reading everybody.

(it feels nice to anonymously share this intro, and I'm hopeful that I will engage with a few individuals via this forum that resonate with my experience)

I'm sorry to hear you have been suffering with anxiety attacks. I still struggle, but have not been in the deeper throws of them for a bit. I will not forget how debilitating they are. I'm very glad to hear you have a loving and supportive wife, and I hope the progress you wish to see comes as swiftly as it can for you.

I resonate very much with what you say.. I was definitely held to a high standard of success for similar reasoning. I had one sibling who was never well behaved. I would bare the brunt of his outbursts, or I would receive it from my mother for not keeping the peace like I was supposed to. If the family unit didn't appear to be in good shape to onlookers from the outside, I was intentionally embarrassing her and it was her job to make sure I knew just exactly what that felt like. As people saw and ignored all of this, I felt I must deserve it. It was the only logical explanation I could come up with at the time, and I can't seem to really un-learn it to this day. Well, maybe not yet.. No matter how hard I tried to be better, to deserve better, relief never came there from those people. As I somehow found the will to turn and look elsewhere, things have slowly started getting a little better.

You are not alone, and I am very glad to hear you are accepting that challenge to face these parts of yourself and seek a better life. I am rooting for you, and hope to see you around these forums.

[Keirshy]

Hi Bert, it's nice to meet you! I'm also new here, from Singapore.

I must say that your self-insight seems really good, and that's commendable. I too have a uBPD mother. My father I presume would be very much like what you describe yours to be. It's so relatable to hear your scapegoat experience. I was constantly being labelled as bad for the tiniest things, I don't even remember them, while being the highest functioning member of the family.

I believe this need to please our parents comes from a place of survival. This compulsive need to be perfect is actually what protected us, literally and psychologically, from our parents' misplaced rage. "If I did this right, they wouldn't yell at me" translates to "If I act perfectly, I can stay here, be safe, and have my needs met." It's all a way for our child minds to survive. That's why it's so scary to release that now - it feels like we'd die.

Knowing all that unfortunately isn't enough to heal. I read on this forum that removing the band aid quickly doesn't work. It's like the wound is still gushing blood, it isn't ready yet. You've gotta remove the band aid bit by bit. At the same time, heal the wound itself, with better protective patterns and a lot of mourning. Only then can the band aid come off.

[Bert]

Hi Jim & Keirshy, it's nice to connect to the both of you.

Jim - You're completely on the mark with: "As people saw and ignored all of this, I felt I must deserve it.". Not only do we feel we deserve it. But also, our distorted world-view has us belittling how it affects our life. What I mean, is that I often hound myself with thought patterns of "everyone goes through tough times, why the heck can't I just stomach my own issues and carry on - I must be so weak and useless...". I guess we start by trying to be compassionate to ourselves and try our best to truly acknowledge that our circumstances are indeed pretty damn crap and build from there?

Keirshy - Thanks for the commendation. Sadly, it seems no amount of "intellectualising" or "understanding" alone can resolve any of the symptoms of CPTSD. Certainly a part of my survival as you mention, was to be emotionally dead myself, but highly vigilant of the emotional expressions of my parents and others. Additionally, my brain would work over-time to predict every conceivable circumstance of the day, in order to prepare myself for the potential hurt. I really like the wound analogy, thanks for sharing that with me.

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,

Thank you for sharing that with me, and for taking the time to read my intro. Let us both find that inner-peace that seems to elude us so frequently.

I second that good sir.

For me at the moment, treating myself with self - compassion is helpful.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Bert,

Welcome to the forum. I'm a 63-year-old retired corporate educator in Seattle.

One thing I've noticed about trauma, is that we all seem to have different backstories, but somehow, we all ended up feeling the same symptoms. It's nice to meet with people who are different than me, but who can relate to what I go through anyway.
 
I can resonate with some of what you are saying, but my story was slightly altered in that my parents wanted me to be a failure, so, they worked hard to make sure I never embarrassed them by trying new things--which they hoped I would fail at. Even when I did go above and beyond, they ignored it. My elder sister (BPD) and brother (her sidekick who did whatever she told him to) actually turned any success of mine into a weapon to humiliate me with. Continuing education was forbidden. Dad would say "College is just a way for kids to milk four more years of childhood out of their parents." (He dropped out of school after second grade. Mom was the highly educated one who dropped out after fifth grade). The reason I became as strong and successful as I did was not because they encouraged it, but because I spend every morning unable to remember a single good thing I've ever done, and so each day I feel like I have to start over from scratch and work 4 x harder than anyone else, just to keep up and not be cast out of society for being totally worthless.

Now that I can look back at my working years, I can see that I ended up making a good living and building up a good retirement at the cost of having spent most of my life in an anxiety induced panic. If I wasn't panicking, then I was crushingly depressed. At one point I started doing stand-up comedy in the local comedy clubs after working 10-hour days just so I could try to find a place to release my anxiety. Making others laugh made my anxiety feel like a good thing. Gads. I nearly burnt myself out. When people ask, "would you rather be rich or happy?" I immediately go for "happy." I've learned that if you aren't happy, no amount of success or money heals unhappiness.

For me, happiness comes in connecting with others. And I find the people on this forum to be easy to connect with. Most of us will likely never meet in person, but I'm okay connecting through forum posts. Look how close Seattle is to the UK when we talk on the forum. I can reach out to the entire world now and when I do, I find great souls who are reaching back, hoping, with the same goal, to connect with the like-minded.

I'm glad you found the forum. I'm very sorry you needed it, but glad you found it. I know how horrible it is to be raised by BPDs. I'm glad you found a great wife. I often thank my wife of 40 years for sticking with me despite my fawn > freeze > flight > fight responses to life.

[Bert]

Hi Papa Coco,

It's nice to connect with you also. So far, I have found this forum to be a great resource. As I mentioned, I've been gaslighted my entire life, so to gain validation and a better understanding of what is right from wrong has been impactful as I look to heal.

Thank you for sharing a part of your life with me. As you say, although our circumstances differ, it has ultimately resulted in us operating from a place of extreme high-functioning anxiety in order to feel "validated" or "worthy". I can clearly see that I find myself in this position: "spent most of my life in an anxiety induced panic. If I wasn't panicking, then I was crushingly depressed.". I'll take the fact that I'm recognising this and working to find a different way, at my younger age, as a positive.

I hope we continue to stumble across one another's posts in this forum. Take care

[dollyvee]

Hi Bert,

Welcome to the forum 

I have four narcissists on one side of my family and grew up being both the black and white sheep. I never fully prescribed to what they wanted me to do, or their perfect image for MY life, but I also think I was holding myself up to their standards and trying to prove it to them that I could do it.

I've found this forum is a good place to work out my thoughts and feelings around these dynamics and hope you find space for that as well.

Sending you support,
dolly