I am sexual abuse...

[juliannmhall]

My whole childhood was about sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, and statutory rape. It defined me, it was the only attention I got. Well, except my mother screaming at me. Oh and the beatings and being thrown across the room and he hurt my cat so bad. I've been an emotionally dysregulated crazy person all my life. Even though I spent decades in therapy and decades being treated by a psychiatrist. Just, like all of you, CPTSD describes me and my life like no other diagnosis has before. I am ready for this work. I'm ready to be free from selfharm and self sabotage. I'm ready to NOT walk around every day, every moment in afight or flight state. I'm so hopeful. Thank you all.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Juliann.  I am truly sorry for what you've endured and the lasting effects of it. 

You are in good company here though and I hope you will find the understanding, caring and supportive members and information and resources helpful as you work on managing your symptoms.

The mental health community is not overly knowledgeable about CPTSD as it was only made official by the World Health Organization in 2018 (although it was identified by Judith Herman in the 1990's). That is changing thankfully as more practitioners undertake education and training si it's only going to get better IMO. I hope that gives you some hope.

[juliannmhall]

Oh, it's Juliann, like Julianne but with no e

[Chart]

Hello Juliann, Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to read of your past and the abuse you suffered.

Perhaps like you, I "discovered" the concept of cptsd recently, for me about a year ago. I remember clearly the astounding feeling I felt as the slow but inexorable illumination blossomed in my mind: FINALLY here was an explanation for why I was struggling so terribly all of my life. And it made sense. Finally... what a relief that discovery was for me.

You say that you are ready to heal. I believe you have come to one of the few right places. Only those who have directly experienced traumatic childhood abuse are capable of fully understanding our situation. I have easily learned more here than from forty years of therapy and self-work. I have also made progress in the past four-five months that I know is not just symptom oriented. This work is harder than anything else out there. We are literally breaking down, reorganizing, and rebuilding neural connections and networks that were created from the earliest moments of our existence. For me, everything about Developmental Trauma makes sense AND hits directly home. And almost no one I know in my personal life has any idea about any of this. But the people on this forum understand perfectly. And are helping me beyond words. I hope you too can find the things you are seeking. My experience is yes, but of course you will have to come to your own conclusions. But you're clearly ready to continue your healing journey. And that's what this forum is entirely about. Welcome.

[Armee]

 

You aren't crazy. Badly badly injured. I'm sorry.

[juliannmhall]

Thank you very much 🙏 I'm having a hard finding connections online, so this really helps. I realized yesterday that my father was physically and emotionally terrorizing my mother when I was in her womb and my first 2 years of life, she was just a 16 year old, not at all wanting to be or able to be a mother at all. I was already screwed for life, then it just got worse and worse.