Sasha is not my real name

[saylor]

Dear Sasha,
I'm so sorry about your pain. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away.
I know what it's like to suffer from a broken heart and to be confused about what went wrong. The lack of closure makes everything more difficult.
I hope you can find some peace through your ritual ending, and that you will be able to be gentle and kind to yourself, as you deserve and are worthy of love.
Please continue to talk with us, so that you will have us for support.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry, Sasha.

[Sasha]

Thank you for your last comments.

I haven't used this forum for many years. I had EMDR and felt like I had made a lot of progress. I think I have, to be honest, but recently I've been having to dig deep again and reflect on the past

I realise that unprocessed trauma is still running my life. I've stopped and paused for almost a year now, caring for a friend, which provides me with universal credit. It's been okay, a bit stressful, the times.

I've been living on the breadline, using food bags, feeling okay, and trying to use the time to dig deeper into my creative career,  And work out how I can fit in in this world.

Last year, I left another job that I didn't belong at, and found myself burned out again. This pattern has been going on for years, and that's what I've been looking into, thinking about neurodivergence and starting to accept very strong feelings of disability that really are part of my everyday life.

Recently I've been processing that I have a lot of pain and physical ailments. I've been connecting the dots and intuiting that my body really wasn't treated nicely as a child, it wasn't respected, it didn't feel safe, I didn't feel free or liberated and an adult hood. I can see that inside my body, I feel scared and painful.

I've been really trying to process as much as I can, I feel very tired right now. I just broke up with my partner of three years Today because our pattern of conflict triggers us both. We both love each other very much and I actually think he's a brilliant partner in so many ways, as am I. But I think my unprocessed trauma means I really do struggle to take responsibility for myself, because there is so much stuff I haven't really  Processed at all.

I'm questioning whether I can even really be in a relationship. It feels like there are parts that I don't even want to look at or see, it's so painful. And then I can see how much I interact with my partner as someone that I ultimately  Want to fix or heal these parts, parts that I barely even look at. And I project a lot of stuff onto my partner because of this I criticise and I am a perfectionist I analyse everything, I have so many opinions on how he needs to change.,

To be honest, I'm so sick of myself.

And I know why. It's because I was treated like *  And there's ages inside of me because this happened throughout my child of 16 years in the family home. And I don't like them I don't like these parts. I'm being honest, I'd like to like them. I'd like to embrace my inner child as everyone suggests. But I think I feel repulsed

I said to my partner today (maybe ex partner) that, although he says he loves all of me, he really can't see all of me, because I can't hardly see who I am. I've been writing a list for years of all the traumatic memories , I can recall, in order to help me validate and process.

I wanted to share this list today. I would have liked to share with him, but I do worry that it might be too much. And so that's why I found myself back here. Because I don't know who understands, I don't know who has capacity, I struggled to feel like I can share this with anyone I know face-to-face. I worry that it will hurt them, I worry that they will look at me differently, I worry that they will judge me.

[Papa Coco]

Sasha,

I do know the feeling that nobody understands me. It's what drives the ability to feel lonely in a crowded world. We're all sharing the space and the oxygen, but we don't feel safe sharing our own thoughts, sometimes not even with ourselves. So, we're lonely in a crowd.

Nothing you said in this last post was too much for me. At some level, I've felt similar feelings and thoughts about everything you brought up. I'm sure that others on this forum would say the same thing.  So, I'm glad you have this forum to share with. I'm glad we all have this forum to share with.