On Sundays I feel overwhelmed and scared

[StayInTheLight]

Each week I put enormous pressure on myself to "fix my life." As I mentioned in another post, between the pandemic and larger problems in my industry, my career has basically come to a standstill. I was doing really well in 2019 up until March 2020, working consistently, getting better and better jobs. And then it all just stopped. I was lucky to have a few remote jobs in the last few years, but I've mostly been living off my savings. I moved to a much cheaper place and I've financially contracted as much as I can to stem the tide.

This ties into CPTSD because my career always supplied me with my sense of self-worth. If I was making a good living in the field I wanted to work in, I felt good about myself. Whenever I was in between jobs I felt terrible, which motivated me to find more work (in my field I usually have 3 or 4 jobs per year that last anywhere from a few weeks to several months). So in the last few years with so little work, my self-worth has plummeted and my critic voice is deafening. I want to reach out to my contacts and try to reestablish myself, but I can't seem to do it. I'm terrified that I won't find anything, or that I'll just hear no over and over again until I'm left with nothing to do but abandon my lifelong dream. It's hard to explain here without going into detail, but I'm just so scared all the time, and I know what I SHOULD do, but then I do nothing because the thought of taking action makes me feel sick like I'm going to die. 

It reaches a fever pitch on Sundays, since Mondays are the start of the work week. My critic tells me I'm a loser and I'm never going to work again, and I get overwhelmed by anxiety and depression. I know that I have to challenge these thoughts with actions and treat myself with compassion, but the critic keeps winning. I'm just struggling at the moment with my fear. Thanks for reading.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. It makes so much sense - the fear on Sundays and the critic running rampant. And then that underlying current of terror, they are all horrible feelings to feel so intensely, plus the grief over the career you worked hard to build.

I don't know how far you are in your discovery about CPTSD or if you know about emotional flashbacks, abbreviated often as "EF." If you search the forum you'll find more about them. For me those intense feelings (often terror, dread, and internal doom-y messages) are usually a sign I am experiencing an emotional flashback. They are like a traditional flashback but rather than images or sounds, we get emotions or thoughts that come from the past.

For me I've noticed that healing and progress comes when I can connect the things that are happening in the present to what happened in the past and teach my brain to be aware the 2 situations are different...that the present is different and not as scary as the past. That is NOT as easy as you'd think and it has nothing to do with what you "logically know."

Of course the fear of having your dream and career whither is legitimately terrible in the present, and I am so sorry all your hard work is stalled right now and you are left feeling worthless. It's a common theme here too so you aren't alone here in this.

Two years ago I had to duck out of an awesome 18 yr career because the ptsd got too bad. I'm working hard to get well but it's slow going. I'll likely be going back to work very part-time in the next couple months where I can slowly test the waters to see how much I've really absorbed the fact that the present is different from the past.

I have faith you'll work your way back to a full career and it will be better than before.

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry too Stayinthelight.  I left a good job in 2016 because I could not take the stress of a very demanding new employer. I was older so retirement was right around the corner anyway.

I do understand the terrible feelings though as my H was in the military and we moved around a lot so I constantly had to look for new positions and that mean little critic in my head would make that extremely challenging.

Perhaps the place to start is having a chat with your inner critic about the fact that work went sideways through no fault of yours, it was the pandemic and your industry that were the cause of a tight workforce that left many without much if any work. No doubt there are many, many people having the same difficulty as you. 

None of your skills and knowledge have gone away and if you were doing well before all that hit, you can do well again. Perhaps one way to help calm your critic is by thinking of the good work you did, and telling that part of you you have no real reason to be so hard on yourself.  It wasn't you that landed you in this position, it was circumstances. 

Just my thoughts.  It's struggle though I know and many others here know too. 

[StayInTheLight]

Thank you so much for your replies Armee and Kizzie. Both of you make some really good and helpful points.

Armee, I did read Pete Walker's book, so I know a little about EFs. I've been working on separating the past from the present in terms of fear, but sometimes (especially Sundays), the critic takes hold of my mind and I just have to wait it out. I think my fear around work is connected to the fear of being abandoned and left behind (which happened in my childhood twice by each parent, one of whom was mentally ill, the other an alcoholic). The voice says "this industry doesn't want you anymore" and I suddenly feel the same way it felt when each of of my parents didn't want me at certain points. Because I was so young (around 5), it felt like being abandoned threatened my very survival, so now when I don't work it feels like I might die, the same way it did back then. I think that's the connection. I will borrow your faith that things will get better, and I appreciate you saying that!

And thank you, Kizzie - I do have to remember that none of this is my fault, it's just life being life. And you're right that so many people I know are in the same boat (of course my mind only likes to shine a spotlight on the very few people who are doing fine). I get frustrated that things aren't moving faster, but presumably I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Really appreciate you both. Thanks again!

[Armee]

That makes so much sense why those particular traumas are triggered by the work situation.

[Kizzie]

I agree with Armee SITL, that makes a lot of sense when it comes to CPTSD.  Just noodling here but could you take courses to upgrade and make yourself more attractive to the industry? This is not to say you don't have the skills and knowledge anymore, it would just be a confidence boost and perhaps a pay boost you never know.

[StayInTheLight]

Thanks, Armee and Kizzie. It does help to write it out and see it in black and white. And of course from a logical perspective I know this won't happen (I won't die from not working), but somehow I need to express this to my emotional system. I'll keep working on it.

Kizzie, thank you for the suggestion of classes. More than anything I need to reconnect to people who can help me (which I've been putting off out of fear). The industry I work in is very connections based and if I'm not promoting myself, I won't get work. A class definitely might help put me in the right mindset and get me excited about doing more - and help me overcome my fear of finding out if I have any career left at all! The biggest obstacle for me right now is just not trying. A class is a great idea for boosting my confidence. Appreciate you both!

[Kizzie]

  Whatever works and when you are ready of course.