How are you healing and the guilt felt by it?

[supaduece]

So I am curious on what works for others dealing with CPTSD? i attempted Wellbutrin first and while after i got a mix ( after 5 months back and forth with my general practitioner )  that finally helped temper the anger. I should probably mention after 25 years of burying my feelings i had developed quite the violent outburst reactions to damm near everything. I was quite good ( or at least i thought i was) at hiding it from my kids, i know my wife took a hard shielding of me during this time until i had my breaking point and my eyes were finally open. Although i wouldn't change it now, after i realized the Wellbutrin was making me a zombie i stopped and turned to talk therapy. (According to my neuro therapy specialist she was not performing it properly) she performed EMDR multiple times on me and one weekend i had a full blown panic attack or that's what i guess it was. I went to bed and awoke violently and i could see and remember almost every single incident in detail. I could not stop it at all and i was bedridden for 3 days. This was the point where the anger left my body and a deep depression fell over me. Luckily i have issues with sugar ( which i believe to be inherent from my childhood which i can only say without context everyday was life and death) so i don't drink alcohol but i turned to weed. i grow and still smoke everyday after work so i don't get angry. its legal here and i have a medical card but i feel guilty every time. I wake up every morning and exercise, go on walk and meditate and do yoga and to be honest i feel very foolish doing them and constantly think that this doesn't work. Hard exercise will clear my head sometimes but just for a little bit. This is why I'm so fidgety i guess i always have to be doing something so the thoughts don't enter. I guess the one thing i really want to know is has anyone used psilocybin. My failed therapist once suggested it as a new field they are researching. I was having a really bad month about a year ago and I decided to get a hold of a bar. Now i did take a god mode dose ( was in a real bad way mentally ) and i can not express how amazing  it worked. Im not saying it fixed me or anything like that but when i was at my breaking point i took it and the relief i felt was like drinking ambrosia. It made everything go back. all anxiety was gone and even after the effects wore off it was almost 2-3 weeks of absolutely nothing in my head. It did make me remember more stuff but didnt trigger me at all. I attempted to microdose after the fact once it started creeping back into my head but i dont like the way i feel on it. however this sparks the next part is the guilt i feel. just saying it out loud gives me anxiety and fear of being judged. I now keep 2 bars in my freezer that have been in there for months now but i keep as a kinda " break glass in case of fire" tool. So curious what works for you?

[NarcKiddo]

I have not really tried using substances of any kind, legal or illegal. I am in the UK so pretty much everything is illegal here! I have never been keen on taking medication of any kind - possibly due to being medicated by my mother with her valium when I was a child. Before I realised I even had a problem I self-medicated very heavily with alcohol. It never helped with anything much but I never tried to hide my drinking. Oddly enough I feel more need to hide the fact I have virtually stopped drinking since my FOO is very scornful and suspicious of people who don't drink.

Hard exercise works very well for me. It gives my fight/flight hormones something to do. Even not so hard exercise helps me as anything repetitive can put me in a meditative/mindful state. Actual meditation is pretty much impossible for me - I get the feeling you referred to that it is foolish and does not really work. I've recently got into doing art and that can also help me zone out into a mindful state.

Talk therapy is also helping me a lot. I was very sceptical of it at first, and very unwilling to trust my therapist, but I had got to the point where I did not know what else to try.

Last, but certainly not least, the fellowship here has been invaluable. Especially the zoom groups, but even just knowing there is a community of people who "get it" is so helpful to me.

[storyworld]

I'm sorry you're hurting and struggling to manage your emotions. I'm also sorry that you are feeling guilt on top of that. I take sertraline, and it has been a lifesaver for me. I still feel anxiety, and still have to practice things like deep breathing and tapping, but I can now at least sleep. I'm not sure if I understand, but I think your post said that you feel guilty for the various ways you've tried to cope with your intense emotions. I can understand that, along with the feeling of overwhelm that makes on desperate for relief. I once joked with my sister, who was relying on alcohol during a particularly anxious time, by saying, "Hey, we've got to survive somehow." And I believe that. But I also believe it can get easier. I'm not at the "easy" phase yet, but I'm trusting it's coming! And I'm now rarely at the "I feel like I'm dying desperate" phase. I hope you can feel some relief soon.