My NSC is gone. Trigger warning (SA)

[GoSlash27]

 I had absolutely terrible negative self-concept through my teenage years and up to 21. It drove my depression and suicide attempt at 21. It was constantly mocking and belittling me, telling me I was a loser, an abject failure, everyone would be better off without me, etc.

 It continued even after the attempt up until the birth of my son. I had decided at that point that no amount of counseling or medication was going to heal me, and I was going to take care of him no matter what.
 I threw all of it down a deep, dark hole and just went to work being a father. I found I was good at it and enjoyed it, and was soon acting as a 'big brother' for all the little fatherless kids in the housing project. And despite doing menial and sometimes dangerous jobs, I never felt like a failure ever again.

 That critical inner voice had gone completely silent. It hasn't troubled me for thirty years, neither has depression. 

 I'm not quite sure how that happened, but I suspect that it went away when I basically gave up on trying to fix myself and focused my frustration on helping others instead.

 Not recommending this as a course of action of course, just pointing out the observation.  Does anyone else have a similar experience, or is this just me?

Best,
-Slashy

[Papa Coco]

Shlashy,

Two and a half years ago I had become so suicidal that I went out searching for anyone to talk to, and I found this OOTS forum. I was trying to live, not for myself, but for my wife, two sons (Now 36 and 39) and my two grandsons (Now 10 and 13). I didn't see any reason to stay alive except in honor of the love they had for me. 

I lost my little sister to suicide in 2008. She dealt with the same pain I deal with. Losing her in that way showed me how much pain a suicide can cause to the loved ones who were left behind. I've never recovered fully from her passing, and I couldn't do that to my loved ones. Unfortunately, the pull to end it all was so strong I felt I was losing my battle, so I reached out to find any possible place where I could find support from people who knew what it felt like to struggle with lifelong trauma disorders like mine.

So when I joined OOTS and needed to create a username for myself, I decided to use what they call me, Papa Coco. My wife's name is Coco and they knew her first, so when they met me, I was part of her, so they called us Coco and Papa Coco. They love us both and need us in their lives. So to remind myself each day why I need to stay in the world, I chose to put that as my username.

I wish I could have wanted to live for myself, but thankfully, they became my surrogate reason to live. Like your son, my little family has literally saved my life also.

So, yeah. Every word you speak above resonates with me. I love myself through their eyes. So, hereto and forevermore, I'm Papa Coco.

Your story about your son being your salvation is one of the things that connects me with you in this forum. I totally get it. And your comment that you have acted as a big brother to other fatherless kids touches my heart even more.

[GoSlash27]

PC,
 Thanks for the kind words. 
 I've really been mulling this one over, trying to understand how I pulled that off. I feel like there's something useful for others (such as yourself) hidden in there.

 It seems to me that it was a two part process, both involving my son and my commitment to him.
#1 I no longer wanted (or even valued) my mother's acceptance and love. I had something better.
#2 I vowed to stop screwing around trying to be "perfect" and focus on being "good enough" for him.

 Once I discovered that I could live up to and even exceed the (much more realistic) standard I had set for myself, that was the last time I ever heard a peep from that inner critic. With it went the depression.

 I hope this morning finds you well!
-Slashy