Reconciliation with Sis

[gcj07a]

Hey everyone. It has been awhile, but I am back. So thankful for this community.

Back in early December, my sister reached out to let me know that she was divorcing my narcissist BIL. She disclosed the PA and EA she experienced at his hands and, among other things, explained that he had dictated or controlled all of her communication with me over the last few years. She expressed that, with the help of a good T, she had finally managed to see that she was being abused. She knew she had to get out.

At first I was skeptical regarding her communication with me, but time has borne out that she was telling me at least some of the truth (for more on my fun history with Sis, read this). She apologized profusely and has sought to make amends. We have been able to spend some time with her and her kids while at my F's house, and those visits were great.

On the flip side, she has gotten even closer to our undiagnosed BPD mother, the one who abused me my whole childhood, including PA, EA, and SA. I have disclosed all of this to my sis. Previously she just denied that I was telling the truth, but now she admits the EA and the PA (which she also says she experienced) and admits the possibility of the SA. We had another interesting chat yesterday. Would love your thoughts:

Here is my summary of that chat:

1) She apologized for, at Christmas, delivering presents from M for my kids. She reiterated that she did not want to hurt me. She doesn't understand what I am going through, but she respects it.

*********I asked her if she reported my sexual abuse allegations to M**********

2) She said that she did tell M about them. M has racked her brain and cannot recall any such incident. 

3) She said that she wasn't disbelieving me; she just has no way of knowing for sure.

4) She floated (again) the idea that the abuser may block out committing the abuse.

5) She said that M has been to A LOT of therapy and has admitted to being molested by my Grandpa (her father--this is the first time she has admitted this, though we have long suspected it), though she is still quite hesitant to call it abuse.

********I asked if M would be willing to sit in a therapy session with me and my therapist*******

6) She said that M would be willing to do that at the drop of a hat.

7) She offered herself as a mediator between me and Mom. 

She suggested that if I couldn't be around M, then maybe DW and the kids could. 

*******I mentioned that the NC had been driven in part by her mistreatment of my girls*********

9) She said that M had done the same to her kids, but she had intervened and they had had good talks and established good boundaries.

10) She reminded me that M had been her abuser as well, especially during her teenage years. And while it had all been verbal/emotional, it was bad. On this basis, she asked me to take her word, to trust her, that M had changed.

***********I mentioned the idea of Too Toxic for me, Too Toxic for my kids*****************

11) She reiterated her intention to have a relationship with me no matter what ended up happening with M.

12) She told me M has become content with never seeing me or the girls again this side of heaven. 

[Kizzie]

Hi gcj07a and welcome back.  I have found taking breaks (except for keeping up with the admin here) is often refreshing if that's the right word.  All things trauma can get overwhelming at times so time away is helpful, for me anyway.

Anyway, that's awesome you and your S are making inroads into your trauma.  What I did think about as I was reading your post is that she no longer seems to want/need to protect herself by not validating what happened, but your M still does or as you wrote she may not actually have any recollection in order to protect herself.  All that you've written indicates a willingness on the part of your S to have a more authentic relationship but that she is figuring out how to do that. It sounds like she is transitioning out of denial and that may take a bit to set in but it's a second chance for you both.

Based on that IMO you can probably have some honest, respectful talks with her about what works and doesn't for you, such as if something feels like guilting, etc. For example, she may have had talks about how your M treated her kids and things improved, but that may not be something you're willing to consider given what you've gone through.

Good luck, I hope things keep improving.