Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

Chart,

In some ways the same in some not so much    Considering that all of this here, it's just ones and zero's that reside on some storage device somewhere that's connected to the interwebs.  It's us humans that give meaning you know?  Spoken or written language is a pale pale thing when using it to attempt to explain experiences that fall outside the "norm".  Even poetry, which is better conveying the emotional context but even then.. Ahh the paradox raises it's head again, have a mystical experience and know without doubt the connectedness of everything everywhere and the words cannot do it justice no matter how many is used.

Wishing you all the best 

[StartingHealing]

4 March 2024

quick little note here.  I have been made aware of how much of my human has been influenced from people, society, locations, outside of the myself.  The family members and family dynamics, then with the former spouse.  I know that it's a common thing, part of the survival mechanism to align more with the family unit / tribe.

 And yet, 

Well, how much of what I came into this realm with got pruned, atrophied, or otherwise jacked up?  What innate traits / abilities are dormant?  I think I'll find a good hypnotherapist and have a go at clearing, get some water and sunlight on those bits that have atrophied and perhaps if the root of what was pruned still exists then stimulate those bits into growth.  And along the way also become better in resistance to manipulation / propaganda.

Would be nice to be able to use plant teachers.  Perhaps in the future.

Wishing all the best to all the brave souls here

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

I share a few similarities with you. It seems we both share a sense that we are bigger than our physical bodies and that our physical lives were altered by the behaviors of our tribes. I found this post to be especially interesting today because I'm exploring the same question: How can I find, recover and experience my authentic self?

I for one was never, ever, ever allowed to talk about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I gave up early on all of my dreams and my self-image as a human with equal rights as other humans. I know who I became--a servant to everyone--, but I'm still bothered by trying to remember who I'd come here to be. On my death bed, will I suddenly remember "Oh YAH! I forgot I was going to do ______ while I was here."?

I'm learning to accept that being knocked off my own path as a child may actually be what I came here to experience, like in the old sayings around "it's not how we fall that defines us, but how we get back up again." What if my life's path was to be taken off my life's path by toxic people in a toxic culture, and then learn a ton about life by how I gained the strength to overcome a bad start to life?

You're inspiring me to go to my own daily journal and post about this right now. I won't hijack your journal with my own dramas, but your post has inspired a lot of thought in me this morning

Be well

[StartingHealing]

Hi PC.

I believe that we are larger than our physical frames.  The overlap of, for lack of a better term, realms, the interplay between them all is what I believe gives rise to our experiences. 

Is the 'path' that we have gone down, the only one?  Or is it possible that part of our path is only a detour and because of the indoctrination and propaganda that has been internalized we think that it is all that is possible? 

My mentor, hugely spiritually knowledgeable, once opined that our souls have multiple paths that are possible.  In my case, the actions I took in extracting myself from the crazy of the former spouse, put me on a different path.  Since that happened, I can say without hesitation that I'm now going towards the core of the who I am when I entered the earthly realm.   I admit that not having external feedback in this does get a wee bit funky.  Learning to trust the self that I am aware of.

Wishing you all the best

[StartingHealing]

I reached out to a hypnotherapist and I have yet gotten any indication that they have a open slot.  I'm waiting for awhile and if after a while, that specific one, I'll reach out to another.  Trying to allow the universe to work things out for me.

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

14 March 2025

Rain came yesterday late afternoon.  It flat out pitched, some areas got over 1/2 inch of rain in less than hour within the city that I currently reside in.  While all this was going on I was at the first appointment with a therapist.  Interesting mix, he has the languaging side, plus the hypnotherapy and edmr / brain spotting, EFT, muscle testing, etc.  Definitely more spiritually aware which was a concern of mine.  Flat rate per session not per hour.  Will see how it plays out.  First time I heard of brain spotting.. had me go through some exercises and definitely helped take some of the edge of the emotional load off that I didn't know I was packing.

Slept alright.  Getting to the point where breakfast is a good idea.

Because of all the events I've been through, it's a normal for me to stay "functional". Spent years with am I breathing?  Can I move?  I have to keep going.  No other options available.  Common where I grew up was crap happens and you take yourself to the ER if you need to.  Farming is the 4th highest in terms of injury and death as far as employment goes. High risk endeavor. Not all the time, like anything there were times you needed to be 100% present and other times.. eh go take a nap under an old elm tree.   I haven't yet sussed out if what I'm feeling is missing the farm, that connection, or if I'm missing my Dad.  Add in the concepts of 85% of anything is just showing up.  I don't expect every day to be all that, there is a cycle of ups and downs, it is what it is, rather it's... Hm, it's like having a splinter in your mind, an internal itch that can't be scratched. A push? a knowing that I need to get my fecal matter straight.  Don't know the why behind that either.  Perhaps it will all be made clear going forward.  Skills, abilities, self, sacrificed at the altar of others distorted black holes that they were trying to fill.  Oft I wonder if the twig can be straightened to a certain degree.  At some level I'm over it, I'm done, gotta get rid of all the BS, all the falsities that got beat into me, all the psy-ops that got implanted so that I would willingly go along with things that only benefited others at my expense.

This also cycles around to the thunking from a while back.  What do I 'owe' society?  What is owed to ___________? What is owed to me? 

Set up an another appointment for next week.  Will see how that rolls.  I know that it's gonna take a minute to chew through the ins and outs and my hope is that can get to root cause.  Remove that one thing and allow the structure it's built on fall under it's own weight.  I figure that I'll have to reconsider my self image. 

Stomach is most insistent.   

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

21 March 2025
Yesterday was second appointment with therapist. 2+ hours each go.  I've gotten the feeling that he is still attempting to figure out what's up with me.  I informed him at the get go that twas not going to be a easily discernible thing to find the root causes.  I'm still of the opinion that if main leg could be taken out then the whole f-ed up structure will fall.  Lot's of memories of ghosts past over the week though.  Have appointment for next week as well.  Work threw a production bonus at me and I figure that I could pay off some revolving debt with it, I can get my fecal matter straight so the emotional BS of buying things on credit.. short term vs long term approach maybe? I did hear something at one time that said that if you are in debt (outside of like a mortgage) there is some base layer of emotional something or other going on. 

Pattern pattern where is the pattern, and then once found, how to break that pattern and step into something new? 

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

Been wondering something.  Do I have the stones to be a villain in someone else's story?  Most my experiences in this go here in this realm, have been ones where the, for lack of a better term, nice guy behavior was used.  Including the covert contracts.  Was that something that person in role of mother in the family I grew up in, that she pushed me into believing because it fit her mental issues?   Hm... patterns, patterns of behaving, patterns of mental issues, patterns of believing a certain way, all to say that the dynamics of the family get imprinted onto the children of that family and without extraordinary measures, those patterns continue.  I know that for me, the pattern laid down with genetic mother and her family of origin got a hook in me, then the pattern from the one in the role of mother, and that continued with me because even though it was f-ed up, it was 'normal'.  As such I was attracted to gals that fit that pattern.  girlfriends, wives, etc.  Following that pattern.  I suspect that the pattern also goes deeper than the male / female dance.  How I see myself, how I relate to the world at large, my relationship with money / debt, basically everything.  sigh.  Pulling my head out, and developing a new way.. then again, am I taking responsibility for crap that ain't mine anyhow? Where do I end and the outside begins?  That line be way fuzzy.  Stomach is talking to me.

Side note:  Methylene blue is beneficial to me.  Your results may vary.  It acts as an electron donor to neural mitochondria helping them perform better which in turn helps overall feelings of health and wellness.  Also at high enough doses it can cause a color change in urine which depending on the tap water may lead to some staining. It's not harmful to any human system. 

[StartingHealing]

24 March 2025

Been noticing that the ghosts of memories past have been rising up into my awareness quite a bit over the last couple of weeks.  IDK if that is a thing because of the brain spotting, or because some of the emotional content that has come out to the T and he caught it.  D-mned nice to be able to speak without restraint and cussing is acceptable.  Refreshing actually.  The loss I experienced from way back when ... goodness that has been messing with me from then.  It's not upfront in center, rather it's like, need to use a physical allegory, having a porcupine quill stuck in a spot where you can't reach and yes it's not enough to put me down, but at the same time it's there, can keep it from awareness but at the same time, that doesn't remove the quill. 

The back issue is also changing.  I did get validation that my back is where a lot of the stuffed emotional crapola was stored. 

Need to move on to other things.  Wishing all here all the best   

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

I'm really glad you share your experiences with the various trauma treatments that you continue to explore. Reading the reports of my peers here, is very helpful to me. We don't have to be an expert to share our experiences with one another. It's like we are each a beggar, telling the other beggars where we found food.

The only TRUE way to be certain you never catch a fish, is to never go fishing. And when I read your posts, I see a peer who is also truly rooting around in the world in search of the morsels of healing that might be hidden in plain sight. In the spirit of peer support, as we share our experiences with one another, we expose the treatments and we all benefit.

I have led a similar life. I'm never okay being damaged. I'm finally able to stop apologizing to my wife for spending our money and time on my various therapy attempts. She has NEVER criticized me for this, in fact she sometimes thanks me for diligently pursuing healing. But my trauma tells me to apologize for it anyway. At least it did up to recently, when I've learned that I'm doing what's best for both of us.

I'm so grateful that this forum is free of charge and accessible anywhere I have internet because it fills in for me when I can't afford or access treatments that I hope will help.

I once learned that our brains attach to people differently depending on who they are in our hierarchy. I respect and get benefit from my professional therapist with one part of my brain. He teaches. I learn. It works. But it's a different part of the brain entirely that connects me to peers. Peers connect and share and comfort and support on an equal plane. I learn from authority in one part of my brain, and I learn the glory of support and comradery from peers in a different part of my brain. My therapist gives me knowledge. My peers give me the experience of not being alone with this. I need BOTH of these things. It's important that we connect with peers AND that we find authorities, whether in therapists, teachers, experts, books, podcasts, blogs, documentaries, etc.  I love this forum for giving me peers I can relate to so well, and I love my therapist for how he speaks from a position of authority on healing and trauma.

Today it became starkly obvious to me that I adapt quickly to what I'm reading or learning at any given time. It makes me feel like I'm a different person each day. I read a lot of books that explain how physical and spiritual realities blend. Levine's books, which I'm reading now, are teaching me how physical and emotional realities mix. I realized this morning that I'm not praying quite as much as I did last week while I was all up in the books about spirituality. Now I'm really into the psychology again of how and specifically why our pasts continue to ravage our present moments.  This is okay. When we're in a college program, we think the world is made of numbers while we're in math classes. We think the world is made of fruit bowls and forests when we're in an art class. We think the world is made of horrors while learning about the dark ages, or wars and tortures. All of the courses deserve their turn at the front for long enough time to teach us, and to allow the knowledge to sink in and become part of our global, multidimensional perception of the world.

When I read your comments about how memories are EF'ing you right now, I imagine that somehow, the past has something it wants to say to you, and it's come up to the front of the room to get your attention. During EF's the possible healing is greatly increased. I don't learn when I'm happy and satisfied in life. I learn when I'm in need of learning and while I'm open to it. My therapist often says "Good!" when I come in during an EF. He says, "We can do some good work today."

I hope that whatever your past has woken up for these last few weeks helps you to move a few more steps away from the traumas of your own past.

We're all in this together, and we're stronger when we share together. Thank you for your open sharing.

PC.

[StartingHealing]

March 29 2025

Hi PC.  I put most everything here because perhaps there will be something, some nugget that someone else doesn't know that they need, but once read turns into a key that helps them to unlock a block, or unlock a level of understanding to help them along their path of healing.  This is also the acceptance of myself in that, overall, I'm a decent person.  I'm not 100% bad, 100% good, I'm in the large grey middle and that's ok. 

You know, one of the things I've had to wrestle with is being "perceived" as a villain in someone else's story that they are telling themselves about themselves. I've had to accept that I have no control over that.  Not saying to be a * in behavior, at the same time, where in the 7th level of Hades did that idea get implanted in my brain as part of the default programming as a basis from operating from?  Thinking about it, that pattern is toxic as F for me.  I mean, Judas on a stick, I didn't have anything to do with how I came to be in this realm. Yet, that responsibility was forced on me.  How messed up was that?  Definitely changes the nuance that "the sins of the father are visited on the children." 

Anyhoo, the T hypnotized me at my last appointment.  Don't have an appointment next week because of a family thing.  His spouse mother is not doing well, close to the end.  100 years, which is a really good run if you think about it.  Perhaps the 2cd week in April, depending on things.  Still haven't settled out from it.  I believe that something opened up, cleared out, or something and the energy changed within. Nicotine use went up.  I'm certain that it will come back down Plus I've added methylene blue. Which the primary benefit is that it is an electron donor so that the mitochondria produces more energy and operates with more efficiency.  Another thing is that it also acts as a weak MAOI.  I've been attempting to go full carnivore, yet it appears, at least so far that a certain amount of carbs is required.  Not to mention that I still have a weakness for chocolate.  Still seeking that one product that fits the sweet tooth and yet low sugar.  chuckle

Wishing all here all the best

[Chart]

I wish I had time to respond... :-(
Sending support nonetheless. Thanks for all the great reflections here! Really helps. I found some nuggets.