Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Chart]

...BUT! I'm taking it slow. I'm taking a passive approach to allowing the panic to bubble up in its own time. I'm giving it permission to keep getting closer. I'm not taking the aggressive approach to healing that I usually take.

This is an incredibly courageous attitude to cultivate in the face of such impending doom. Much respect for how you are approaching this! 

It took me decades to see that my urge to get to the root of it and deal with things once and for all had been part of not getting there where I needed to go. That it's even possible to allow and relate to difficult states differently was a revelation to me, but only when the penny dropped experientially. So I can relate to both the yin and the yang of dealing with trauma. A big hug from Holland for you 

This really hits the bullseye for me at this moment in my healing. Thank you PC and everyone for this sharing.
 

[Little2Nothing]

I wonder if the sudden explosion in the population of tween and teen murderers, car thieves, etc., is due to the rise in screentime raising our children.

I think screen time is a detriment to kids. Children seem to have no empathy because all their interactions include sarcasm, making light of others, saying disparaging things about people you never have to look in the eye. I think it also breeds narcissism due to the desire for likes and views.

Another thing I think adds to the lack of empathy is that children are never told no. I understand the desire not to disappoint children, but giving them everything they want when they demand it seems to be hurtful. I told my kids to give their children a good dose of vitamin N once in a while, so they learn that life isn't always about them.

The other issue is, I think, that bad behavior is not corrected. All of it is harming our kids. It all eventually leads to loneliness and an inability to interact with others with respect. I fear that screen time is one of the catalysts for the rise in teen and preteen suicides. I had a nephew who took his life at 21, because of the overwhelming loneliness and isolation he suffered. His two sisters attempted suicide as well. 

I don't know what the answer is, I only know that something has to be done to save our kids.

[Papa Coco]

Thank you for the feedback on courage. I can say the same for you all too.  We are all here because we knew we needed help to survive, but didn't want to give up. It required courage for each of us to join the forum, and it requires ongoing courage for us to post our most vulnerable thoughts for each other to read. Not everyone survives what we've been through. Courage joins us together as we hold each other up through all of this.

I have always loved the quote, "And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
― Anaïs Nin

---------

I may be preaching to the choir here, but for the past two weeks I've felt like I just landed on this planet, and I can't figure out how it works. I grew up thinking I knew how the world worked. But the past ten years have been throwing one unpredictable thing after another at us. EVERY year we break records for heat, cold, wind, and rain. It's getting worse, not better. How do I navigate this world now? I'm from a world that's gone. Vanished. POOF! The world I'm in now makes no sense to me.

The last two weeks have been like I'm not fully connected to my body. I'm numb to the barrage of terrifying news of all the shootings, hurricanes, tornadoes, nuclear threats, carjackings, aggressive home invasions, AI's gift to the criminal mind is helping thieves make even more clever traps for us to fall into. Prices, shortages, pandemics, political overthrows by the extreme right in several countries all at one time.... This is too much to take. So, I seem to have blown a fuse, and can no longer regulate my thoughts, expectations, beliefs, feelings, emotions, diet, appetite. A massive storm is coming across my beach in a couple of hours. An Atmospheric River. I'm not scared. I just did a few preparations in case my power goes out in the cold of night.

Hurricane force winds? So what? Maybe I should be afraid, but my fear button is broken so my fears and reality are not synched quite right at the moment. I'm fearing things I don't need to and not fearing things that I should be fearing. I can't so easily tell the difference between appropriate or irrational emotions. I don't want bad to happen, but I'm done trying to stop it. Today is just another day in Crazytown. No big deal. Do the laundry. Write the posts. Whatever happens, happens. No human body lives forever.

Over the course of the past few days, I've been in a precarious balancing act between a full-blown panic attack on one side of me, while a total surrender and acceptance of "what just is" no matter how good or bad is hovering on the other side of me.

What I find interesting is that during the recovery moment after I calm myself from a random near panic attack (which I'm having to do several times a day now), I've caught myself looking up at the ceiling and thinking about the impending doom that I'm ignoring by not watching the news, shrugging my shoulders and just saying, "Eh. I've had a good run." All day long I vacillate between total panic on one side and total surrender on the other.

My curiosity now is how much of this new attitude has been assisted by all the work I did this last summer on the art of Letting Go. I've read Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender more than a dozen times, and from June to about Late August, I practiced letting go through using his techniques. By September, I started to kind of think I had wasted my summer trying to learn something that doesn't work, but I may be wrong about that. The way I feel right now MAY be due in part to the practice of letting go of the things I can't control. MAYBE I learned more than I think I did. I should open that book again. I haven't read from it in several weeks. Maybe now that I'm practicing it, the book will have a deeper meaning for me if I read it again.

I'm giving in. I'm STARTING to grab a hold of a new belief that maybe I'm not responsible for all the pain on the earth. Maybe God is not punishing me by making me view the pain of others. Maybe my brain is finally starting to digest this new information.

As usual I don't know if this is a core change in me, or a temporary visit to la la land that will end and I'll be the same stuck person I was before I spent the summer learning how to let go.

For now: In summary: I'm dysregulated on many fronts. Can't control how I'm feeling from minute to minute. Don't know when I'm hungry or full. Don't know when I should run or stay put. My window to leave the beach before a storm is closing. I have no sense of urgency to leave. I may be offline tonight and tomorrow depending on how well our power grid holds up.

No matter what happens, in my attitude of gratitude I always feel grateful for being a member of this forum with you all.

Papa Coco

[StartingHealing]

Hi PC.

I'd like to share part of my journey in regards to believing that I was responsible for __________. In someone else.  And empathy. 

For me empathy is an built in feature of humans.  That said, empathy has been weaponized against us by people with an agenda(s).  I had a similar experience with being yelled at because of food and how the folks in Africa would suffer because of it.  How in blazes is my actions here affect those folks over there?  Food is cooked, would have to be frozen to get shipped, would cost a lot of $.  Meanwhile the issues that were happening locally was ignored.  Do you see the disconnect here?  Ah but this was by design.  To a child, this is psychological manipulation in order to instill guilt and shame to make kids (you and me) easier to control. Don't want to get into 'trouble' you know? 

the first crack in me where I started wondering about the 'why' I felt responsible for actions taken by others when I didn't have a single thing to do with it.  Closed adoption, no info on genetic heritage, and what little was provided was all lies.  Don't get me wrong.  There are times that adoption is the best option with some caveats. Kinship guardianship comes as first option in my mind.  Here's some of the BS I was told.  Check out this gaslighting, it's f-ing classic. "Your mother loved you enough to give you up."  As a kid all that told me that I was somehow defective, that I was "bad" and if I didn't want to get shipped off to another family whenever the adults decided to, I better do my best to be "good". to fit as best as possible into that hole that I couldn't fit in.  Yeah there were some other stuff about "couldn't afford it, just starting out, not married, blah, blah, blah"  All BS.  Where did I come from?  "The Cabbage patch" IE didn't know, didn't care. 

Sooooo, here I am having the mistaken belief that I'm responsible for others well being.  Add in the narrative that has been around in the zeitgeist since being born, based on my skin color and gender, I'm the devil incarnate, responsible for every single problem / issue / hurt feeling in the world.  Wait, what? How am I making people do stupid stuff?  Ahhh the blame shifting. 

Doing the genetic genealogy which really helped me a lot in many ways.  The hardships that my ancestors survived, the blood, sweat, and tears it took.  Some were share croppers, some were sailors, some were engineers,  some survived the trail of tears.  So I come from hearty stock that have done amazing things.  that started me thinking that maybe, just maybe there is more to me than I am perceiving. 

The next widening was taking classes in energy work.  That was an eye opening experience.  Come to find out, I'm energy sensitive.  That explained a bunch as well.  Learning how to observe but not absorb.  If I absorb to much, then I go to a really dark place and it takes a while for me to climb out of that pit.  I have enough to deal with inside without adding to the stack from outside.  Gotta put on my oxygen mask first.....

next crack was when I really stopped and contemplated on the how I came to be in this realm.  The human side of things.  I came to the realization that the 'sins' of the people, the actions taken, was. not. my. fault.  Like I was a ghost that had placed explosive collars on them, forcing them to do the things they did.  I was a babe, innocent.  Collateral damage from others decisions. This was a biggie.

Meanwhile, being legally bound to a person who's behaviors got more severe every year, I started looking into that.  Son of a gun, I found the sister site to this one outofthefog.website and as I was reading I came across many things.  The first was the 3 C's.  I didn't Cause it. I cannot Control it.  I cannot Cure it.  Which triggered the memory of 12 step program prayer, change the things you can, let go of what you can't, wisdom to know the difference.  But that's not what I had been forced to believe all my life.  That somehow I, me, was responsible for..... Oh wait.  Maybe it's not my fault at all?  Then I found a short story, forget the name I think it's called man with a rope that also really really opened me up to the possibility that it's not me.  That the same idea of "Do I have a explosive collar on her?" 

I had been manipulated by various means, gaslighting, abuse, belittlement, lack of sleep (yes there were times and it wasn't anything more than circular arguments because she was trying to outsource her emotional control) constant and consistent parade of created drama, to shorten up the list, if you mosey over to outofthefog and read the top 100 behaviors, the former spouse did 98 out of that 100. That checklist made me certain that she has a personality disorder. Most likely BPD.  She played on my empathy, she played on my good nature, she played on every button she could find.  It's crazy making actually.  Can't be alone and yet when not alone, attacks the person that they are with. Throws hours long heated argument and then is "hurt" because I don't want to be intimate right after.

It finally boiled over to a point where I called local law enforcement and she was arrested for DV.  Credible threats on my continued existence and the doggo, credible threats of serious bodily injury to me, threats of self deletion, all the while house hold objects including kitchen knives were being thrown at me.  Not to mention there were functioning firearms in the house as well. This was after me being out of the house for several hours trying to allow emotions to cool.  Figured that throwing knives, self deletion and deleting me threats was the ending of it. I filed while she was under the protective order for the DV arrest.

Once I was able to re-establish communications with my mentor, they had removed themselves from interacting with me, until I was no longer with the former spouse.  Many long conversations about empathy VS compassion.  Empathy is the ability to see the self in others at basically an emotional level only. Compassion is more seeing self in others but not taking away the others agency and responsibility.  My empathy + energetic sensitives + believing that I was responsible for the former spouses 'well being', were a perfect platform for the former spouse to build off of to manipulate me.  Since I have made a vow of "never again', needed to figure out the difference twixt the two. 

This is just my take on this.  Compassion is recognizing self in other while maintaining awareness.  Example that was given to me was this:  You have a person that is always asking to 'borrow' some $ and is almost in financial ruin while attempting to keep a champagne and caviar life while having a generic beer and potato chip budget.  What's the compassionate action?  Offer to help them layout a budget, give them the location, dates and times of a free financial literacy course, or offer to pay the fee for a paid course. If they are not interested, then what is the motivation?    My mentor also used the example of the explosive collar around people's throats.  Did I have such around the former spouses neck?  Do I have one around the neck of ______ person?  How can I in this human experience have the god like power to force anybody to do anything?  That usually takes like special facilities with bars, guards, and razor wire which I do not have.  Add in that human perception of where people are is exceptionally small compared to the big picture of them and their life.  There is also the thing of not knowing what the all that there is has planned.  The Universe is real cagey about not showing those cards.

My mentor also brought up what can I do, staying in compassion.  Connecting to Spirit and asking for the other persons highest and best to come about.  Giving to those places that are actually doing the work instead of having a good marketing team.  Treating others with respect.  I made a store clerks day by being respectful to them. He thanked me for that.  Now his energy is better, which impacts another person, that could impact another person and who knows where that domino chain ends?  Don't buy products that don't align with you.  Volunteer if that is your druther.  Shop small businesses that do align.  Farmers Markets, community supported agriculture, donate a pint of blood to the local blood bank.  turn off the talking heads that are intentionally spinning you up with fear, anger, hopelessness.  It's ALL manipulation.  Fear is the mind killer and there are groups that benefit from usually smart people being afraid.  When angry same thing happens.  hopelessness breeds either apathy or violence. 

Take care of you ok? 

Wishing you all the best. 

[SenseOrgan]

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
― Anaïs Nin

My goodness. The other day I was looking for words to express something here and stumbled on a list of quotes online. They were all pointing to the same thing. My eyes stuck on the one you just posted.

Here is that list: https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2016/04/the-wound-is-where-the-light-enters-28-quotes-from-incredible-minds-on-the-purpose-of-suffering/

Wishing you a lighter travel, as Paul Hedderman calls it.  _/|\_

[Armee]

I'll be keeping your fingers crossed for power and safety through the atmospheric river/bomb cyclone. We'll get some of it down here too but not as bad as you. It's a good reminder tho I should charge things and get gas and cash.

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing, Thanks for sharing your take on this stuff. It's helpful. I'm not the only one who feels responsible for the whole world.

Armee, Our Atmospheric river never materialized on my beach. I hope it stayed away from your neighborhood too.

SenseOrgan, I clicked the link. Very powerful. My T informs me that suffering is a learning tool. But the quote you sent today is going on my wall to say it in a more positive and "blessed" way. I like it!  Wounds are where the light enters. It's true.

I have long believed that pain has a purpose, which is to drive change. When we don't feel pain, we don't have any reason to change. This quote about how wounds are where the light enters is saying the same thing to me, but in a much more poetic and positive selection of words.

Journal Entry for Saturday, November 23

I guess I'm not alone in this, but I'm a zombie now. I honestly feel like my soul is disconnecting and leaving my poor body to tumble around in a stupor. Rudderless. I feel weakness in every muscle and bone. I feel like my blood has drained out and my joints just haven't seized up yet.

As I practice "letting go" by using some of the techniques in the Sedona Method for allowing my feelings to just happen without me trying to suppress or repress or distract from them, I'm finding myself feeling ageless. I'm still here in my childhood. Anything that's ever caused me to be afraid is here in this realm of sustained fear that I'm in right now.

This year I have been triggered into the same fear that I felt as a child who was once pretending to be asleep while someone was tiptoeing around my bed. At 64 years old, as I close my eyes and feel the fear I'm in today, I can feel myself as a child. I'm still in that same fear.

Some teachers teach that we are not afraid "OF" anything. We're just afraid, and all the things that we think caused the fear, are not causes, but mere triggers. Access doors into the realm of fear.

Today's triggers are getting the blame, but in truth, the fear in me began at birth and just needed a trigger to remind me that it's all still there and it's all still working on my moods but is often buried so deep in my core wiring that sometimes I forget it's there. My fears today are not new fears, but the trigger is a new one. The trigger just reminded me that the ancient fear is still burning like a perpetual underground tire fire in my gut.

If I couldn't be happy before the trigger, why should I blame the trigger for my unhappiness now? Even before the election, I wasn't terribly happy. So what have I lost, really?

I'm a zombie now. I'm still not able to maintain a balance to my moods, or to my appetite, or to my energy levels.

On a positive note, while struggling to maintain a mood, I'm experiencing random hours of gratitude and joy, but I can't find anything to attach those moments to. It started last Tuesday when I was in the grocery store, looking at the canned soups, trying to find the one I like, when out of nowhere, I suddenly felt absolute peace wash over me as if someone had just poured a bucket of warm love onto me. I suddenly felt completely connected to "god" or to the peace of the Universe. I just felt grateful to be alive and like the whole world was made of milk and honey and marshmallows and daisies and warm blankees....

Since then, this is happening to me one to three times each day. For a few minutes or an hour here and there, a deep gratitude for being alive comes over me. It doesn't stay. In fact, I'm a little concerned. As I feel this zombie-like feeling of apathetic defeat, I feel my body failing. Muscles are weak. Knees want to buckle. My head wants to droop. I feel too tired to walk up a staircase without taking a break.  I've read how infants who are fed and taken care of, but who are never held or loved, have a VERY high mortality rate. They lose their appetite, and die without any medically sound reason or cause. I feel like I know now how they can do that. When one feels completely unable to figure out what's happening around us, this kind of weakness can overtake us. We see people fall to their knees, or drop their coffee cup, or faint altogether when something happens around them that shocks them. To top it off, my mother had a strong connection to spirit, even though she didn't want it. After my little sister's death, mom, who was generally healthy, vowed to not live to Mother's Day that year. 9 months passed, and when Mother's Day was 3 weeks out, she started a rapid downhill spiral. Her liver and kidneys were suddenly shutting down. In those three weeks, she went from being a normal 77-year-old, to hospice, to passing away of natural causes 9 minutes before Mother's Day that year. So I know we can will ourselves to leave. Babies do it. Mom did it. I worry that I'm doing it now too.

Well. I don't know how to conclude. I don't think there's a conclusion to be made from this topic. So I guess the best way for me to close is to just stop writing.

I hope that those of us who feel this way are able to cling together a bit until we start to feel better.

[Armee]

Papa Coco,

The sudden weakness concerns me. Maybe it's time for a check up with the doc? Maybe it isn't all trauma?

But also...it is the rough time of year, and SA is in the news a lot right now thanks to the election and the people involved. Hang tight. Better days are around the calendar corner.