Self-sabotage

[PaperDoll]

Hello, can anyone relate to feeling a burden to their therapist?

Logically, I know that the therapist is being paid to help but I can't shake this feeling of being selfish by talking about myself and my feelings for an hour's session.

I have also found myself putting pressure on myself to feel better after a few sessions to satisfy the therapist that their techniques are working.

No doubt these feelings relate to feeling a burden to my parents as a child and feeling the need to act happy so as not to displease them.

Grateful for suggestions on how I can get out of this thinking trap.

[Kizzie]

That is so CPTSD related Paper Doll. I heard a few years back of this being other referenced versus self referenced and it made so much sense to me.  If we're always looking to please others so as to avoid any more abuse or to stay safe,  we kind of forget about ourselves and what we think or feel.

Once I realized what I was doing I just started noticing when I was being other referenced and asking myself what do I need, want, think, feel in this situation so I could connect with my inner self. It seemed to help so thought I would suggest it and you can see if it's something that helps you.   

[PaperDoll]

Thank you Kizzie. I haven't come across those terms 'other referenced' and 'self referenced'  before. How you have explained it makes total sense.

[Armee]

Totally normal in my experience at least. Just if you can let them know so they are aware. If you can't that's OK too.

[Little2Nothing]

Been there and still do that. I apologized to my therapist for unloading all my garbage onto her. 

[Blueberry]

Totally normal in my experience at least. Just if you can let them know so they are aware. If you can't that's OK too.

 

I also feel like a burden on the healthcare system and at times on the world. It's all cptsd-related.

Sorry I don't have too much up my sleeve on how to get out of that trap, except that the feelings have reduced in intensity and frequency on their own so-to-speak through therapy. That is, my symptoms often do that in ways and at times I hadn't been expecting through therapy work on something totally different.

The other way is consciously noticing when people in my life today don't think that way. There are people who don't treat me like a burden and bit by bit this information does trickle through and land in my feelings instead of just being a cognitive thing.

[Kizzie]

I wonder if it's time for us to stop being guilty for taking up too much of anything. When I think of what we went through, it's like we lived through a nasty war, fought to survive and need the treatment, services and support combat soldiers do as wounded warriors.  We are wounded warriors of a different sort, injured by others, not of our own doing.

So why should we feel guilty? Why not feel proud of ourselves for surviving and that we deserve society's respect and care (and funding for treatment, services and support)?  Dignity, pride and respect - a new mantra for us.

Sometimes I just feel this anger at living with the shame I know so many of us feel. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for feeling anger on our behalf, Kizzie. Today I'm too exhausted to feel anger.

[Kizzie]

 

[PaperDoll]

I second what Blueberry said. Thank you Kizzie