Meditation with cptsd

[Blueberry]

Not wanting to hijack Bach's Journal, I'm going to add some ways I manage to meditate or do similar here. My methods may not work for everybody with cptsd but they may help some.

- eyes open
- standing
- give myself permission to snap out of the meditation as soon as something mildly unpleasant or frightening turns up
- give myself permission to do so even if I am in a group and you're told to stay still because moving even silently disturbs the meditation atmosphere and throws other people off (my sensitivity here takes precedent over theirs)

You don't have to kneel for 30 minutes motionless concentrating on your breathing. There are more active types of meditation, e.g.:
walking slowly, concentrating on your steps
colouring in, especially mandalas works well for me from outer ring to inner 
repetitive singing
even some banal jobs e.g. weeding work for me, so long as I don't set any goals or try to do it methodically

Although I've never tried it myself, probably even hugging a tree would work, if it's your thing.

Any more tried and tested methods (tried and tested by you) or good links, add them to the thread

[Three Roses]

Sitting or standing quietly in nature, noticing all the colors, feeling the breeze on my face, feeling the sun or the cold (whichever is there), noticing my beating heart and all the life around me, seen and unseen;

Listening to music, alone, with earbuds in, different types of music for different days, but for soothing I especially like artists like Drifting In Silence, Liquid Mind, Steve Halpern; I let myself be carried away on the waves of the tones and the feelings of peace they invite;

Finally, although it's not stillness but an activity, I find the same sort of release and relaxation from little art projects like the rock painting that is so popular in my area.

I've also found singing, walking slowly, coloring and weeding enjoyable and relaxing.   

[Snowdrop]

These won't work for everybody and it may be because of the type of meditation I practice.

If an uncomfortable emotion arises, it helps if I can sense where in my body it's coming from. If I can breathe into that part of my body, the emotion goes away after a few minutes. I realise this approach isn't for everybody! I echo Blueberry's words about being kind to yourself, and giving yourself permission to step away.

Another thing that I've recently found helpful is if I ask the part of me that's intruding to please step aside for a while. I've found this particularly useful before doing tai chi etc.

[I like vanilla]

I have never been able to do the sit-still-and-have-a-blank-mind type of meditation that so many insist is the right way to mediate.

I thought I could not meditate at all until someone close to me who has an interest in the topic pointed out that I do meditate. I go on early morning walks and touch base with myself and my inner children and my feelings, and just let my thoughts and feelings flow through me to see what comes up. It turns out that this is not just a form of meditation but a 'valid' one. So, now I know I can mediate. I just generally need to be in motion while I do it.

[arale]

I've found that the most effective way to get me to want to meditate is to first do some yoga. The yoga sets me moving in my body and directs my attention inward to my breath. By the end of a yoga routine, there are usually a few minutes of lying on the mat just feeling into the sensations that are slowly settling from the movement - that also is meditation. By then, I'm ready to stay still (at least for a short while), and I'm used to following my breath and sensations. Sometimes, I can only do a few minutes of following my breath. Other times, I'm ready to go further. And I like to be accompanied by Tara Brach's guided meditations (free from her website). They range from 5 to 30 minutes. She has such a gentle kind voice. She always starts with anchoring my awareness in my body. She leaves a lot of silence because often, she guides the listener to just listen.

And, I concur with earlier posts: I don't force myself to stay there if I don't want; I don't force myself to stay still if my body feels like moving. I used to force myself to meditate like "normal" people. It built up so much resentment in me that I never wanted to meditate. Disempowering myself was counterproductive.

[Blueberry]

You don't have to kneel for 30 minutes motionless concentrating on your breathing. There are more active types of meditation, e.g.:
walking slowly, concentrating on your steps
colouring in, especially mandalas works well for me from outer ring to inner 
repetitive singing
even some banal jobs e.g. weeding work for me, so long as I don't set any goals or try to do it methodically

I'm doing a course in meditation atm, not with meditation practice being the ultimate goal but rather as a means to an end.

What I did learn in the first week is that there are different types of meditation but most of what I've quoted up above is actually mindfulness. 

Up until this course the types of real meditation I have done, as defined by the program I'm in now, have been very rigid types with the ultimate goal of reaching a state of bliss daily for possibly several hours.

What I'm learning now has a different goal: to be in my body. Embodied, embodiment. These are words that come up in respect to trauma healing. According to what I'm learning now, it's difficult to heal from cptsd when you can't be in your body. I think it's true. There's something missing for me - I feel kind of flighty - 'always' taking off rather than sitting with things. My brain flits around, I don't stay concentrating on things etc. I've just re-started the meditation practice after about 10-12 day break so I'm still quite flighty, but a smidgen less. That I can feel already. In the recorded meditation, being in your body is reached by concentrating on your breath. The recording brings me gently back when I need it. It's not banning my thoughts, it's having me concentrate on my breathing since when I'm thinking, I'm rarely in my body. I've spent a lot of my life thinking so as not to feel!

Alex Howard, the guy running the online meditation course, mentioned that a meditative activity is not necessarily meditation. To me based on my experience of what I called 'more active meditations', this makes sense.

The sort of mindful stuff I do, like colouring in mandalas, can often help me focus my thoughts, in fact even put me in touch with my thoughts or maybe emotions too but it doesn't help me be in my body. In fact the only way I come in real contact with my body is through some ache, e.g. in my hand and arm from colouring in. It's the same with the type of 'real' meditation I've done in the past like in a particular yoga movement - I would just be putting up with pain in order to sit still the way you were meant to, knowing that if I were to practise more and more yoga asanas, I would be able to sit longer. But due to a panic attack, I stopped practising those asanas regularly and never went back to that committment and regularity. And anyway those meditations were to do with reaching higher states of bliss rather than embodiment. They were more along the lines of: thoughts and emotions are bad. What I'm learning now is not that.

Alex Howard answers a list of FAQ's, among them things like: Do I have to sit still the whole time? Is it bad if my head falls forward? Is it bad to lie down while meditating?     Interestingly enough, he says that the original guru who came up with the type you've been learning probably taught the way they found best as the only true way   (In essence - maybe not A.H.'s words exactly.) That made a whole ton of sense to me!! As if all humans and all human bodies are the same! No wonder I gave up the whole bang shoot after 'a while', meaning years unfortunately.

To answer those FAQ's: You don't have to sit still for 30 minutes or even 5 minutes, your head can fall forward (what a relief, mine does) and depending on state of permanent exhaustion, lying down may be the only way you can even do the meditation!

I hope this might be useful for others on here with questions on what meditation is exactly. Or for those struggling to keep going or for those who have also learnt a more rigid 'guru' type.