I Can't Stop Feeling Disgust

[Rizzo]

From a young age, things happened to me that I would not wish on anyone.
The feeling of disgust burned through me.
Today all the time the feeling of disgust is in me, does not give rest
This is tiring, I want so badly to be normal.
Does anyone relate to the constant feeling of can't stop feeling disgusted?

[Little2Nothing]

Rizzo I fully understand what you are saying. The violation of our bodies has a horrendous effect on what we feel. 

Feelings of shame, disgust and worthlessness plague me nearly every day. 

[Armee]

Yeah.

I have to make many trips to the bathroom to make sure I am not disgusting. Multiple showers a day. I believe I am disgusting.

I feel disgusting. Sometimes the stress of everyday life makes that true in that I think the stress comes out as a smell.

I used to rush into bathrooms at grocery stores if someone would come close because I was so convinced I was disgusting I'd have to wash my body at the sink. Weird stuff. That particular symptom has quieted down a bit since I realized what was happening and what it really was about. I hate myself. That thought just came rushing in after typing these things. It is a way of distracting from the ugly abuses under it all. I hate myself. I'm disgusting. These are, weirdly, protective thoughts.

It's quite damaging the things that are done. I'm sorry you are suffering.

[Papa Coco]

All,

I spent most of my life unable to look in mirrors or at photos of myself. I'm a bit better now. I still feel the trigger, but what I realize now is that my self-hatred was never based in reality. It was pounded into me by jealous, narcissistic, abusive caregivers. In reality, other people really didn't hate me the way my family and church told me they did. Those were lies that I had no way of seeing through. I thought everyone on earth hated me, so I hated me right along with them. But I realize now that my inability to look in a mirror when I'm in a public place is a trauma response.

For me, breaking out the difference between true disgust and the learned disgust from trauma has helped. I still feel triggered to not look in a mirror if I'm in public, but I no longer believe it's because I'm disgusting. I NOW understand that my self-disgust is trauma. It's a trauma reaction.

When I'm feeling consumed by panic, fear, or self-hatred, my therapist leans in very close to me and quietly, dramatically, says, "You know this is trauma. Right?" Now that I've read the books and done so much therapy, I finally understand that, while my self-hatred is still uncomfortable, it's not justified. It's trauma. It's TRAUMA. Like when a cancer patient is sick from the medication, that person can say, "It's the chemo. It's not me, it's the chemo making me sick," and we are trauma survivors. It's not the world that hates us, it's the trauma. And the trauma feels real, but it's not telling the truth.

Separating my real emotions from my trauma triggers doesn't make the triggers go away, and it doesn't stop a flashback response, but somehow it disconnects my soul from the reaction. Knowing it's a trauma response, rather than a rational response, helps disconnect me from the shame of it all. This was done TO me.

Not everyone who lived through what I lived through is still alive. At least 3 that I know of took their own lives because of it. We, the survivors, are the strong ones. We don't feel strong, but that feeling is a trauma response. We are strong. We didn't become abusers; we stopped the abuse at our generation. I say it all the time because I truly believe it: We are the good people in this story. We don't pass the abuse on to other victims. If this forum were a huge novel or movie, WE would be the heroes taking on the villains. We are not the villains here. We are the good people who care about each other and feel each other's struggles in our own empathetic superpower.

My therapist tells me that of all his clients of the past 40 years, those of us with trauma disorders are, by far, the most spiritual clients he sees.  I don't believe it's a coincidence. I think that being spiritually aware of others through empathy and kindness goes hand in hand with being spiritual. To me, spirituality means we have a knowledge that we are a part of a bigger picture. Narcissists think they are all that matters. Spiritual people believe everyone matters.  And that's who we are. We konw that everyone matters. We may feel ugly and shameful, but we're anything but. We ARE the good ones in this story.

[Chart]

  

[woodsgnome]

I can closely relate to how you've reacted to what was totally senseless. I can save over my feelings a tad with the reminder I'm not there now, but I don't always feel relief from the wounds which hhave stayed ever-present, and can only bring me feel insecure, even where I live -- miles away from people (but still my preferred choice).

I wish I could share some magic vision or potion or hobby or something that might be nice, but far from providing the healing you need.

Maybe, though, you have turned in the other direction? I mean, you did venture to join with people here -- perhaps, as it was with me, only after wondering if there was anyone with whom it felt safe to admit to 1) what happened and 2) how you're still not well with the memories, yet alone the recurring aftershocks you're still enduring.

So that's a start. I didn't think there was anyone here I could fully trust. I didn't -- which is at least one 'was' I've managed to lessen.

Let's just consider this your new journey into finding the life you deserve, the friend(s) you''ve been waiting for so long to find.

                 

[juliannmhall]

I can look in the mirror sometimes but I feel like I am disassociate or detached at those times. I hate getting my picture taken 99% of the time and when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror in a public place I am mortified and disgusted too.

[Kizzie]

Can I just say that absolutely none of you are disgusting, it is 100% the people who abused you who are disgusting. I for one would like to see more perpetrators pay a price, even if it's years after.  Nothing sends a message that it wasn't you like justice served. 

[Papa Coco]

I can look in the mirror sometimes but I feel like I am disassociate or detached at those times. I hate getting my picture taken 99% of the time and when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror in a public place I am mortified and disgusted too.

I have always felt exactly the same way. Before internet shopping, I used to go to the malls and avoid any stores that had mirrors where I could be seen while in public.

Kizzie is 100% right, this is the fault of those who put this trauma trigger into us.

I resonate wholly with you though. Knowing that this isn't my fault helps a little, but the trigger is still there. I still avoid mirrors when I'm in public, and I'm always embarrassed at having my photo taken.

I hope it helps to know you are not alone with this "public mirror affliction."  It hurts more when we feel alone with an affliction.

[juliannmhall]

Thank you very much 🙏

[Kizzie]

I've been at OOTS for 10 years now and with a few exceptions which you get in any group of people we are genuinely lovely, kind people.

[Rizzo]

Thank you all for the amazing and warm responses.
I feel like it's a safe place in my life and I know it's not something I can easily achieve.
Each of you is a special person to me
Huge thanks

[Papa Coco]

In so many ways, we're all in this together.

I find so much comfort in that, after spending a lifetime believing I was alone with it all.

This really is a safe place for me too.