10 Years in Therapy and I just now learned something

[_Magpie]

I've been in therapy consistently for 10 years, so I'm acutely aware of my traumas and could honestly write books psychoanalyzing them, myself, and my behaviors due to them. I keep going to therapy not to learn and uncover more things but to help me finally process the traumas. However, this past week, I had a breakthrough.

I realized that there's a time period in my life that I refuse to talk about or address in therapy. Even when I think about it, I can remember places but not necessarily the people that were part of my life at that time. I remember the events that occurred in the same way I remember watching a movie. There's a huge disconnect between me and the emotions of that time. I've spent most of the past 10 years focusing on other parts of my life that this one got swept under the rug. Probably for good reason.

My therapist helped me understand that's because my brain found the trauma of that time period to be too much and simply shut it out. I was at an age where I didn't have the capability or bandwidth to process what was going on, so, as a protective measure, my brain blanked it out.

While it's a success that I'm still discovering more events to process, I'm left wondering if the rest of my life was pretty awful, what was so bad during this time that I completely shut it out? What demons will I unearth under this rock?

[Papa Coco]

Magpie,

It seems like you are tipping close to a breakthrough. As frightening as those are, they are typically a sign that your brain is beginning to trust that you are ready to see what it's been hiding from you. I'm a believer that our repressed memories are a gift to us from a brain that loves us very much and knows that it would be too shocking to see what it's been hiding, but it also knows that healing requires us to face our dragons. Thankfully, our brains usually wait until we're ready...and it sounds like you're starting to feel supported enough by your therapist, and yourself, that your brain is feeling like you're ready to begin your journey of discovery into whatever part of your past you've been unable to view up until now.

You have support from this forum now too. So as you begin to uncover the troubled memories, I hope you are able to use this forum to help you feel supported and connected with compassionate people while you deal with whatever your brain has been helping you hide from up to now.

I'm excited for you and scared with you at the same time.

We're stronger together. Use us, use your therapist...you can do this.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Magpie,

I've been experiencing very similar processes that you describe. Do take your time with it because I know first hand how some unearthed memories can be terribly frightening. The way that you describe your past events like watching a movie is very apt - knowing the basic facts and the overall plot but not feeling like you were quite there. The brain has a very strong tendency to block out things it doesn't like, but I find those mental walls don't stay up forever. Sometimes the walls come down themselves, sometimes we pull them apart in a more controlled manner. Either way, I'm glad you have a therapist that can work through all this with you.

Regards,
Aphotic.