Everything feels like it is killing me

[blueteddy]

Context: V is my former partner and they have DID and have not been fronting ever since the day of our break up and another alter has been taking over

Today has been incredibly overwhelming. I woke up shaken from a series of disturbing nightmares. One of them took me back to when my abusive father was still alive. I was in the car with him, and we saw someone suspicious late at night, carrying dead animals. It felt like something sinister was about to happen, and I tried to get my father to slow down so I could take a picture, but just like in real life, he ignored me. That same helplessness washed over me again.

Then came another nightmare about my rich cousin and her children, who are always adored by my entire family just because they have money. No matter what they do, they are showered with love and attention. Meanwhile, I've always been neglected and left out, completely invisible to them. My family never noticed me, never cared about me, while they fawned over my cousin's wealth and success. It feels so unfair, like no matter how hard I try, I'll never be enough for them because I don't have money. This has been my reality for as long as I can remember, always being pushed aside while they bask in the spotlight.

It didn't stop there. I also dreamed about my so-called best friend from elementary school, the one who left me alone to be bullied by my entire class for years. In my dream, she's living the perfect life—married, happy, and surrounded by everything I wish I could have. Seeing her like that, while I'm stuck in this *, was heartbreaking. It was a painful reminder of how unfair life has been, how people who have hurt me are living the best lives while I'm still struggling to survive.

These dreams are so overwhelming, and I can't help but wonder if watching Case Oh's horror gameplay, even in a fun way, is making things worse for me subconsciously. My mind processes everything so negatively, and now I feel like I should stop watching those videos, even though I always enjoy them.

As if that wasn't enough, when I woke up and checked my phone, I saw a reminder in my couple app that V's birthday is next week. That hit me hard. I know things are different now, and they won't be here for their birthday. It's just another reminder of how much has changed, and it feels so painful. I don't want to make them front, though, because I know them and the rest of the alters need to focus on getting to a safe place awa from their abusers, but it's still tough. My kiddo heart feels overwhelmed by it all.

Later, things took another turn. I went to take a shower, and while I was in there, my third brother started banging on the door, screaming and trying to intimidate me. He pounded on the door for what felt like forever, trying to force me out, and even turned off the lights to scare me more. He wasn't even in a hurry, he just couldn't wait. He's so selfish and abusive, and it's like he's turning into one of those men who think they have all the power. The worst part is, this house enables him. No one stops him. He's always been abusive, but now it's on another level, and it's terrifying. I never imagined he would become this way when we were kids.

Even though I'm in my room now, I can't escape. I still share this space with others, and they can just barge in whenever they want, continuing the abuse. When I was in the bathroom, I tried to numb myself, to stay silent and ignore him, thinking that maybe it would make the abuse less intense. But deep down, I know that even though they can hurt me physically, emotionally, sexially and mentally, they will never be able to fully break me. I just have to keep surviving, no matter how hard it is.

It all feels super difficult, and I'm just left here feeling blue and not knowing what to do. I don't even feel like responding much to my friends because things have been extremely hard for me. I feel hopeless, helpless, and powerless, and I wish my daddy (V) was here. It's killing me knowing they're not around when I need them the most.

Gray hasn't responded to my messages after I asked to pause our heavy conversations about their plans to move out and their abusive situations. It feels like I don't matter to them, and it should not bother me that much, i just wanted one respond really so i don't left feeling blue and hanging. I care about them and the rest of the system, but I'm struggling with my own severe challenges and survival. It hurts to feel like I'm alone in this when I know they're focusing on their safety.

I've been trying to reach out to organizations and influencers, but it feels like nobody is listening. It's exhausting, and I don't know if any of these people even read my emails. I feel like I'm just a number to them, and it's as if my life doesn't matter. I keep thinking about how my life might be viewed as just another statistic, and that thought makes me feel even more hopeless.

I wish I could rest and recover from everything—the nightmares, the abuse, the constant feeling of being overwhelmed. I feel so small and tired, like a kid who has been treated as a selfish vile adult my whole life. It's just way too much for me to handle, and I don't know what to do anymore. And i always have so much more things to do in hope of getting the help i deserve and needed. I just really need to get the * out of here.