One Small Step Forward

[Avinath]

I've struggled with mental health issues my entire life. I'm 35. I was diagnosed with depression in my early 20s, and been on and off various anti-depressants since then. I've always felt like there was some deeper issue though. Only after my marriage fell apart and I repeatedly hit rock bottom that I dug deeper and deeper, used my obsessive and addictive behaviors to learn and self-reflect, did I eventually realize that C-PTSD is at the core of my issues. It explains all of my thought and behavior patterns that I struggled with and could not understand the roots of.

It began with childhood trauma, and my responses to the situations that I could not properly deal with as a child. Complex trauma has negatively affected all aspects of my life, and about 2 years ago it was a major factor in my partner leaving me. I know I was a huge burden on her, even if I now understand the reasons behind my actions and inactions. I was left to live alone in a different country than my home. I felt abandoned, but tried for over a year to make a life for myself on my own, because I was trying to get away from various issues in my home country. It was too much for me, and I kept messing up more and more, until I was out of money, out of a job, racked with debt, and so alone and broken that I had to leave and return to my home country.

I'm struggling right now to develop any motivation at all, and I'm in a state of constant and crippling depression and anxiety. But there are some things I'm grateful for. First and foremost is having my mom on my side. This makes a huge difference, even if it feels like I'm still unfixable. I've done a lot of research on C-PTSD causes, symptoms, and treatments. I know I need to do the hard work of taking action and reframing my shame-based self-identity. I've made an appointment at a mental health clinic with the intention of starting medication again, and hopefully doing regular therapy sessions to work through rewiring the ways I think about myself - assuming those are resources that are available.

I'm in the midst of it all, and I'm trying to be solution-oriented and not just doom-and-gloom. It varies over time. I'm a little anxious about being here and more than a little anxious about being vocal. But I hope this can all be part of my cognitive reframing - putting myself into uncertain situations and trusting that I don't need to be hypervigilant or overcautious. It's not the same as leaving the house and interacting with people irl, but I hope it's still at least a half-step forward.

[Papa Coco]

Avinath,

I'm glad you found the forum and took the leap of faith to join up and write your introduction post. It's heartbreaking to read of all you've been through, but I believe that you have already begun your healing. I hope the best for your upcoming visit to the mental health clinic, and that whatever they offer you helps to move you forward in your healing.

You mentioned that you are anxious about being vocal. I would like to say that here, on this forum, the people with whom you are interacting have proven to me to be very compassionate and kind. Everyone on this forum has felt the abandonment of feeling alone and unlovable on the earth. Together, we provide the support that hopefully will calm your anxiety. I've told these folks some very personal stuff about myself over the two years I've been on the forum, and the result has been consistent: They have always given me only the most positive and caring of responses. I trust they will do this with you as well.

It took courage for you to write this introductory post. I say that because courage is not the absence of fear, but it's what drives you to move forward despite the fear. Your anxiety about opening up could have stopped you from doing so, but I appreciate the courage you gathered up to write and post your heartfelt introduction.

I look forward to more interactions with you.

Welcome to the community.

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS Avinath, I think you'll find this to be a safe and supportive community once you've settled in.

Kizzie