Late to the Party

[Pinetree pondering]

Hello,
      This is going to sound crazy, it sounds crazy to me. I am a recovering alcoholic of 23 years, recently widowed, retired, disabled father of 2 teenagers. I have been in and around recovery for a long time and thought I understood a few things, but some interesting things have happened to me to bring about changes in me, revealing things to me that were hidden before. I had a stroke 2 years ago. Before that, my emotions were mostly masked by mood stabilizing meds due to my marriage to my wife, a survivor of early childhood trauma who developed BPD, and as a result I became the person she exercised her demons on. She developed pancreatic cancer and passed away in October of last year and I was devastated, the sad longing for her return to health that never came, the intimacy longed for that never materialized after 18 years of working to make it happen, was gone, and I realized not only was she wounded, but I was as well. After she passed away I went to my doctor and asked him to be taken off the meds, and we did. Since then I have been experiencing the leveling out of highs and lows as is expected. What I discovered was that the stroke affected my emotions in a way that brought a lot of deeply buried feelings to the surface. I learned my mother was also BPD and a victim of childhood trauma, as I myself was, having grown up in an abusive alcoholic home, either abused by my mother mentally and emotionally or by my father physically. Either way, I came across this forum and started reading, then started crying, and there was a sense of not being alone that I have not felt since I was a young child. I hope this is a safe place where I can share my feelings and be heard. Thank you for being here

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hello,
      This is going to sound crazy, it sounds crazy to me. I am a recovering alcoholic of 23 years, recently widowed, retired, disabled father of 2 teenagers. I have been in and around recovery for a long time and thought I understood a few things, but some interesting things have happened to me to bring about changes in me, revealing things to me that were hidden before. I had a stroke 2 years ago. Before that, my emotions were mostly masked by mood stabilizing meds due to my marriage to my wife, a survivor of early childhood trauma who developed BPD, and as a result I became the person she exercised her demons on. She developed pancreatic cancer and passed away in October of last year and I was devastated, the sad longing for her return to health that never came, the intimacy longed for that never materialized after 18 years of working to make it happen, was gone, and I realized not only was she wounded, but I was as well. After she passed away I went to my doctor and asked him to be taken off the meds, and we did. Since then I have been experiencing the leveling out of highs and lows as is expected. What I discovered was that the stroke affected my emotions in a way that brought a lot of deeply buried feelings to the surface. I learned my mother was also BPD and a victim of childhood trauma, as I myself was, having grown up in an abusive alcoholic home, either abused by my mother mentally and emotionally or by my father physically. Either way, I came across this forum and started reading, then started crying, and there was a sense of not being alone that I have not felt since I was a young child. I hope this is a safe place where I can share my feelings and be heard. Thank you for being here

Sounds like a massive journey, Pinetree. You are of course free to share your thoughts here. It can be incredible - how much the emotions and trauma tend to lurk in the background without us realising how much it affects us. This place does wonders though to usher away those feelings of loneliness though. Many folks like us unfortunately, we just tend not to see each other in the wild because of how much we hide, from others and ourselves. Hope you can find further solace and comfort here.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Little2Nothing]

Pinetree, I'm sorry for the pain that brought you here. I will say I have found nothing but kindness and acceptance here. This is a safe place.

[Lakelynn]

Hello Pinetree,

You are in the midst of some very challenging times. And yet, you still went forward to remove the "mood stabilizers" from your daily life. That takes a lot of guts and courage!

I'm glad you found us and that you're able to cry and feel. Not always celebrated by society or maybe yourself, as it is SO exhausting.

But there is hope and help. You will be heard and cared for here. Thank you for telling your unique story.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I am glad you found us. I find everyone here to be safe and supportive.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Pinetree.  I'm glad you found your way to us as this is a safe and supportive community. I hope it helps you.

[Papa Coco]

Pinetree,

Welcome to the forum. It touched my heart to read that you found yourself in tears when you found it. There is a lot of love and emotion and empathy and understanding here on this forum, and I'm very glad you are entering into that.

You started your introduction with the words "This is going to sound crazy, it sounds crazy to me...." I just want to say that feeling crazy is perfectly normal here.  Moving away from our distorted perceptions of what we thought our lives were, to finally accepting the truth about how trauma has engulfed us in its perceptions makes us feel crazy, when in truth, it's an acceptance that helps us to move up and out of the feeling of being crazy.

I look forward to more interactions with you. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[Chart]

Welcome Pinetree Pondering. I love the image of your name. Indeed, I feel it too, now that you point it out, pinetrees are deeply contemplative.

Your story moved me as well. I find Here, on the Forum, I am safe and can truly be myself. I am so many things inside, and often chaotic and changing, but here I am always accepted, embraced and supported. It is Everything I didn't get as an infant. You are not late here. You have come at the perfect moment, right on time, for yourself and for us. Welcome and honored to make your acquaintance.

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum, Pinetree.  You are in a safe, loving and accepting place here. Hope you will find here the support and kindness you deserve. 

[Beijaflor57]

I hope this is a safe place where I can share my feelings and be heard. Thank you for being here

This is indeed a safe place. A warm welcome, Pinetree.