Exploring Shame

[Cascade]

Agreed, Blueberry... there's a lot in that article!  I, too, will have to read it again and take notes.  My learning process is to synthesize information by reorganizing it for myself and my own brain, kind of like breaking it down and building it up into something that makes sense for me.

Dalloway, glad you found your digital copy of Bradshaw's book!  Hmm... serendipity?  There are no coincidences.

Edit:
Ack, Chart, I didn't scroll enough to remind me of your post, too.  Glad you're here!  It seems everyone has a book except me, lol.

Thanks for chiming in,
  -Cascade

[Cascade]

Okay... just gonna dip my toe in a little bit here.  This is more about self-blame that came up during yesterday's internal family systems (IFS) session, rather than shame itself (I think!).  It might lead into shame in the sense that I feel like I am bad, weak, and worthless for not taking action.  Anyway, here goes with my reflections since yesterday:

The inner teen is angry with me, blaming me, herself, herselves, for not fighting, not telling, not standing up for myself, submitting to them all, and even bending over backwards to please them and try (vainly) to gain approval and love and acceptance and value.  I tell her it was all we could do to survive, we didn't know how to do anything else.  Now we can.  Now we can work together to put it in the past, where it belongs.

It wasn't your fault.  It wasn't any of our faults.  All this was done to us.  It's their fault.  Remember the blame is theirs.  Hey, you know what?  We can heal.  They were never going to change.


During yesterday's session, my therapist pointed out how ridiculous it was to be angry at an infant and a six-year-old for not being able to stop neglect and abuse inflicted upon them.  Cognitively, yes, I agree!  Emotionally, I still feel like I disappointed myself or let myself down.  How do I stop living in the world of unrealistic expectations?

Answer:  By working through this together.  We're all here now and gonna get through this together.

Love to all,
  -Cascade

[Little2Nothing]

It is easier to logically understand that a child could not be responsible for the evil deeds of others than to shake the self-blame and shame that comes with it. 

Our concept of self is severely damaged by the abuse we endured. That self depreciation has been with us for years, sometimes decades. Of course it will be hard to overcome. 

I do believe though that given time that inner sense of guilt and shame will diminish until it is a whisper instead of a shout. There is hope. 

[dollyvee]

I also wanted to say that I had Healing The Shame that Binds You for ages before I started to read it, and when I did, found it difficult to come back to. There is so much in there that redirected and/or confirmed a lot of beliefs and suspicions I had about things (ie what actually is sexual abuse - it's much broader than I think most people would acknowledge), and opened my eyes to new ones. I still haven't finished it yet and this is a good reminder to go back to it.

[Chart]

Anyway, here goes with my reflections since yesterday:

The inner teen is angry with me, blaming me, herself, herselves, for not fighting, not telling, not standing up...

This is EXACTLY how a teen would feel. I agreed with everything you mentioned to work together and correctly placing the blame. Maybe let her know too that her emotions are OKAY. She's also right, in a sense. Only, as your T pointed out toi, there's little that babies and small children can do.

But the emotions are valid, covering perhaps deeper sadness, but valid. Teens need that I think.

[Cascade]

Little2Nothing, it was so reassuring to hear your words of wisdom.  Thank you!

Dollyvee, glad to hear you'll join in the reading.  Thanks for telling us.  I agree about the definition of sexual abuse.  You already know it's fine to put the book down when you need a break.  I'm just explicitly stating it for everyone's benefit because this stuff is tuff. 

Chart, thanks so much for your validation.  My teen says, "Yeah, that!"

I really appreciate everyone reading and taking the time to comment in such helpful ways.  Thanks for being here!
   -Cascade

[dollyvee]

I agree that this is some of the really, deep core stuff that needs doing in order to come out the other side of cptsd, and by no means is it easy. So kudos for doing your homework.

I'm also interested in "preverbal" shame because I think from an early age I had to deal with the idea of life-threatening situations which then turn into, it must be me, I must be the bad one. As L2L said, logically it makes sense that that small me isn't responsible, but going into the core emotions around that (terror?) are difficult.

The other thing that sort of made a lot of sense from the John Bradshaw book, or I related to quite a bit, is that we have these shame-based identities from a young age that are then reinforced by society. Through school, religion, social acceptability etc. I think there's a sense of wanting to fit in, but also feeling flawed again when you don't, which just doubles down on the belief that "it must be me." We're human, we should be accepted etc, so there must be something wrong with us when we're not.

I'm also becoming interested in the idea of "group work" as you had on your list. Maybe it's for another thread, but Patrick Teahan had a video talking about the different types of personalities we develop as a result of trauma, and that working in a group where you receive honest feedback about maybe your blindspots is something that's been in the back of my mind. Feedback in terms of this is how you are coming across, which I think can be really difficult things to hear because there is so much shame attached to it. At least this is how I understood it.

Hope you get a gold star for your homework 

[Chart]

Yeah, preverbal shame I think has "driven" an enormous amount of my behavior all my life. I'm jus now starting to chip away at it. Yeah, I totally agree, this subject is one of the fundamentals we have to address for deeper healing. Thanks Dollyvee, your reflections are really valuable to me.