Hello All

[KiKi_Cat]

Not sure where exactly to start. I'm in my 30s and been married for 5 years. I only recently came to understand that my childhood was traumatic and how it's caused all the issues I have adulthood. There was no physical trauma, but a lot of small things that seem normal to people which led to me feeling like I didn't deserve to call it trauma or CPTSD.

A lot of this was religion related (attending church despite being sick as a young child, lack of sexual education leading to many instances of anxiety surrounding it and a lack of someone to ask questions to, severely suppressed sexual attraction due to the above as well as teasing surrounding potentially dating someone). My parents were distrusting of doctors and especially mental health services due to religion and negative experiences they had with their parents.

Some was relational. I had very few friends my age as a child due to being homeschooled and honestly just not much of a people person. My siblings are all much older than me and all male. I tended to feel like I was a nuisance to my family due to comments made about my friends (like "wow they eat a lot" and things that made me feel uncomfortable asking to have them over). My friends were all from the church and tended to be public school kids so we didn't have much in common. Honestly I considered other kids my age selfish brats lol as an 8 year old I would take a 14 year old female friend any day.

There are a lot of health issues, mental and physical in my family that caused stress. Some of which could have been improved with less distrust of mental health professionals. I have had anxiety since childhood and went on medication in my 20s due to anxiety attacks nearly causing me to lose my job. My parents don't know I take it, or my other 2 medications that help me function, but seeing my mother's reaction to the my husband getting the covid vaccine gave me a clear idea I should keep this to myself. she called me while I was working and was in hysterics, to the point I thought someone had died. Turns out they had an open bottle of the vaccine and no one would take the vaccine so they asked anyone who entered the store and my husband accepted. He also encouraged my mother and oldest brother who would both be high risk due to their weight to take it but they both refused.

I have a near phobia of spending money which now that I'm on anxiety meds rapidly goes from spending too much to too little, it's hard to regulate since for years it was just "don't spend or your mother will comment". I felt like my mother took out things my siblings did on me verbally, it was harsh but nagging. Even if I spent 1/10 of what they did and saved the rest I would feel guilty then often my mother would also comment on it. "How much did those cost? Shouldn't you save?" As a child as well as a 20 year old. All while I was begging her to tell my nearly 40 year old brother to stop buying me gifts that I didn't want.

Well I guess that's about everything...

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome KiKi_Cat, you are among friends here. 

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum KIKI_Cat, glad you found us and hope that you will experience the healing power of this very supportive and loving community. 

[Chart]

Hi KIKI_Cat! Love your name!

Sounds like you are processing a lot if things from your past. I applaud your decision to investigate and try and improve your life. Honestly you're in the right place for investigation, reflection and getting feedback/support.

Happy you found us!

[Papa Coco]

KiKi_Cat,

Welcome to the forum. By reading your introductory post, I can feel the fears and frustrations your family has been heaping onto you, and leaving you to be stuck dealing with. I'm very glad you reached out to this community, as there are a lot of wonderful people here who you can write with that won't ask how much you pay for things. Religion was a problem for me too, so I can easily feel your frustration there. It sounds like your parents have a LOT of fears of their own that they put onto you. Fear of medication. Fear of doctors. Fear of spending money. I wonder if their one biggest fear is the fear of being seen as not acceptable to their religious peers.

I hope you find friendship here with others who have felt, or still feel, many of the same things you feel.

Welcome.