Is taking space the right thing to do?

[lagoulue1892]

Hi all. I've been on my healing journey for a few years now, and it's gotten particularly intense since I started working with my new therapist who is trauma informed. Lately, my self-concept is extremely negative, and I feel like I can never do anything right. This has been reinforced by my friends who tell me that I'm too defensive, too disengaged, too hyper vigilant and sensitive, that they can't come to me with any kind of critique without it becoming a conversation about trauma. I know I've been making more social mistakes than usual, and that my affect is changing, and that I can be kind of difficult to be around these days, so I really don't blame them for being upset. I made the decision a few days ago to take some space while I work on myself, and that went over terribly. It feels like they want me around so that they can punish and berate me. I feel like I'm doing the right thing by distancing myself, but my trust in my instincts is so shot that I honestly can't tell! Others who have CPTSD, have you ever experienced this? Am I making another mistake?

[Lakelynn]

I'm a big fan of trusting yourself. If you feel you need distance, that's intuition keeping yourself safe.

Working with a decent therapist can be tough, as it brings up things previously buried. Then, the challenge is to "manage" those feelings.

I notice that your 'friends' are saying critical judgemental things about you. If I needed support, that's not who I'd choose to be around.

Separating yourself from that sounds like a good idea.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Also, bear in mind that people generally do not like change. Your friends are used to you being one way and now it sounds like things are changing. As you go through this phase things will probably change more. Some friends may stick with you on the journey and others may not. You need to do what's best for you and let the cards fall where they may. Bear in mind that they won't all have experience or understanding of trauma and some of them may genuinely think they are looking out for your best interests. Only you can decide whether the bad aspects of any relationship are worth working on because the good aspects are worth keeping.

 

[Kizzie]

 

It sounds like working with this new T has made you more aware that your friends have been/are perhaps reinforcing your negative image of yourself and it's time to take some space as you say.  I don't think you need to explain to your friends if they're that critical, but if you want to keep them in your life maybe try again to explain you are working with a new T and you need the time and space to do that work. If they are true friends they will make an effort to understand. You may also want to bring this up with your T and see what they have to say about this.

[Chart]

lagoulue1892, Sounds to me like your instincts are 100% spot on. A true friend listens and tries to understand. A true friend expresses sadness when parting, but accepts what that other friend needs. A true friend doesn't judge. The phrase, "You're just too sensitive" is overt gaslighting.
There can be fear and doubt when setting out to change ourselves. And very often we lose people in our lives. Sometimes very longstanding relationships. But there's a reason why this happens. Sounds to me like your fully committed to changing. It's normal to doubt. That's why your in therapy and have come to this forum. That is completely healthy and intelligent. You're doing everything right. It's okay to doubt. But the day will come when you're more clear and confident in the choices you make. And that day is really worth working towards. It's when our real life begins. Becoming our true selves. Don't stop, keep going. You'll get there (and probably quicker than you expect.