Hello

[Survivor82]

Hey everybody. I am new here but not new to CPTSD which I was diagnosed with more than 15 years ago (before it was a diagnosis). Since then I honestly felt I had got on top of it - worked through therapy for some time, not having too many symptoms (a few interpersonal niggles here and there - mostly work related) and everything felt dandy. In the way my self is fragmented I put my CPTSD into one of the fragments and actually forgot all about it. Ah the joys of faulty memory.

Of course it's a lifelong thing. I should have known better but now with new anti-depressants and back seeing a new psychiatrist I am embarking on the next steps towards regaining my equilibrium and getting back into life. This is an important step for me.

Of course my struggle was rekindled by family and by bad luck.

Bit of background:

I was the caregiver to my brother who got and then died of lung cancer, which put the family I had kept at arms length right up in my face. My brother had drug and alcohol issues and a limited life caused by trauma. He died young. The rest of my family stepped back and I got to truly see them (again). This was triggering.

More recently I was targeted by a malignant covert narcissist while travelling overseas and trying to recover from my brother and dysfunctional family. That experience with the narcissist rates as one of the worst ever - even though I escaped relatively quickly. I was abused and triggered very intensely and I'm still feeling the impacts a year later. It was a direct hit on my system of values which I need now to recover. Through this experience I came to see the other narcissists in my life, including my parents. It has been a shocking revelation. Very triggering.

The latest thing is a recent near death experience by my mother who has started to fall because of her dementia. Me and my surviving brother are acutely aware of how we were treated and yet here we are, helping out (again). More triggers.

I'm also out of work, quite dissociated, and with no sense of a me let alone a plan of action.

So this is my current challenge. I want to get back to the top of the board in life's game of snakes and ladders after slipping down a few snakes. 🐍

I am appreciative a forum like this exists. When I was diagnosed by my first exceptional psychiatrist the condition was not recognised. It is good to see things have changed and keep changing :-)

Anyway, that's me. Lovely to meet you all! 👋

[Hope67]

Welcome Survivor82,
I'm glad you found your way here.  I hope you'll find it a supportive community.
Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Suvivor82,

A warm welcome to the forum. Your story is touching. I was especially drawn to how you and your surviving brother are caring for you narcissistic mother, even though she was not someone you really wanted to have to take care of in the end. It supports my theory that people with C-PTSD are quite often the best of the best in this world. We take the abuse of others and when it's our turn to abuse back, we care for them instead. That's a type of person that I'm extremely proud to be associated with.

I'm glad you found this forum. I'm impressed by how aware you are of your triggers and reactions. That's the first huge step in thriving with C-PSTD in the mix. Once we fully understand our triggers and reactions, then we begin to take control over them as best we can.

I'm glad you didn't get stuck in that overseas relationship for very long, however, I DO understand how even a short relationship with a controlling narcissist can trigger a long recovery.

I hope this forum is as good for you as it's been for me. I joined about 3 years ago and having people who understand my triggers, without making me explain why I feel how I feel is so validating and empowering.

Welcome.

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome to the forum!

[puppyma]

Welcome! I'm new too. I am grateful for this forum as well. It is hard for me to find a therapist that will admit to the diagnosis of CPTSD. They just say I have very severe depression or chronic depression. It is almost like it is something they think doesn't exist. So, it is great that we can have a support system to help each other work through stuff. Lots of hugs.

[Chart]

Hello Survivor82, welcome to the forum.

[Lakelynn]

Greetings Survivor82,

Yes, times have changed so much. Finding a place like this was unheard on decades ago. I'm glad you're here.

It's tremendously hard to lose a sibling that has physical and mental difficulties. Enduring the memories "from caretakers that weren't" must be exceptionally hard. You deserve a lot of credit for hanging in and finding your way through life. Helping those that have hurt, intentionally or not, is a Catch-22.

Hopefully, you'll find some comfort and recognition here to climb those ladders again.   

[Kizzie]

Lovely to meet you too Survivor, glad you found your way here and I hope the support and info helps. You have been and are going through quite a lot so my suggestion from my experience is to try and be as compassionate and kind to yourself as possible so you have some positive energy to climb up the Snakes & Ladders board a bit at a time.

I had a recent exposure to a covert N and it sent me into a tailspin because I didn't see it coming.  Sadly I think some of us will always be reactive to N's and maybe that's a not-so-bad thing so that we are not sucked in by them once we're deep into a relationship. If we get out early on we're better off although it may not feel like that for a while because all our nerve endings are on high alert. That makes the dissociation you're feeling completely understandable, especially when it has led you to think about how N your fam was/is. It's just a lot.

With respect to your M, are the means available to have her go to an assisted living home? It takes a lot of the responsibility away from your B and you, and means your M will be looked after 24/7.