Starting Again

[AphoticAtramentous]

For context, I saw my therapist for three years. My first appointment with her was when I just started working full time. She helped me manage my general anxiety, depression, and poor social skills. T knew of my childhood trauma but we never really delved into it. I thought this was fine, and I ended the therapy mutually with T because I could function.

It was a nice distraction from my deeper issues, and I thought those deeper issues would go away with time. But they haven't. I've been good at ignoring it, pretending I'm "cured", but I started doing my own deeper introspection a few months ago and that was a big mistake. Because now I realise it's more like... T cleaned and polished the outer layer of my mind but I open the door to see my inner psyche is a festering oozing rotten core. And now that I realise it's there, I feel sick to my stomach and I can't ignore it. I can't even shut the door because that filth keeps coming out, no matter how many locks I put on the door.

I decided then to revisit T, after all she knows all my history already. But I've had three sessions thus far and I'm starting to realise why perhaps the deeper issues weren't ever combated during those first three years. It's not her fault, I just don't think my issues are compatible with her expertise. Because she did definitely help with other things, but not... this. So I emailed the clinic and told them to cancel my appointments. They replied and queried why and... I still don't know how I'm going to answer that. I'll figure it out tomorrow.

I've also booked an appointment with my GP to get a referral to a CPTSD specialist, rather than just a general trauma psychologist.

A query for those that live in Australia, is it possible to find a compatible psychologist myself and then have my GP "refer" me to my chosen psychologist so I can utilise my mental health care plan? Or can it only be a referral to a psychologist that my GP specifically decides/chooses for me?
Am talking about this plan specifically:
https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/mental-health-care-and-medicare?context=60092
Hopefully that question makes sense. I can of course just ask my GP this but if I know I can "select" a psychologist before I actually see my GP next then that'll speed things up a bit.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Aphotic,

I can so relate. I started therapy in 1980 for my suicidality and depression. I would see a CBT therapist for my 10 visits. they'd shame me into thinking I was cured. I'm a people pleaser. When a therapist needs to feel like they cured me I automatically act cured so I don't offend them. They go home feeling good about themselves, and I just go home and continue living in my pain. I'd go a year or two, and then I'd obsessivley try another therapist to get me through another suicidal threat. Same thing would happen. The new therapist would use the same script that last one used. I'd force myself to believe I was cured again. He'd go home feeling good about himself. I'd go home hoping to feel better. Then a year or two later, I'd do it again. My 7th therapist turned out to be so different than all the others, and his compassion and care finally began to help me start to explore the true, deeper issue of believing I didn't deserve to live because of how I felt so unacceptable as a child.

Maybe if you need to tell the clinic why you need to cancel, you could tell them what you told us in this post. Any chance we have to educate the educators on where clinical, soulless CBT fails to rewire the early life wiring around love and acceptance, that we should take it if we can. CBT doesn't work on CPTSD. Period. We need someone to help us access the emotions that hide from CBT.

I was saddened when I ready your comment that you "open the door to see [your] inner psyche is a festering oozing rotten core." I remember feeling that way about who was hiding inside me also. But I just want to share with you that I don't see a rotten core at all in you. I see pain in the core, but not rottenness. I see a person who has the love and compassion within themself to stop the abuse and not just pass it on to the next poor soul. A lot of people who went through what we've been through just give up and say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans", and pass on their anxiety and cruelty to the next generation. You are one of us, who internalize the pain like a shock absorber. Rather than abuse others, we protect others if or whenever we have the power to do so. Our culture is now beginning to build ways to help us overcome the pain that we've absorbed. I honestly believe that all of us can be proud of ourselves for not just becoming to others what our abusers were to us. So, I do believe that you have a lot of pain in the inner core, but I don't feel like it's a rotten core. I remember feeling that same way. Now I see what's inside me is pain, not rottenness. I believe that's likely true for you too.

I'm in the US, so I can't answer your question about Australian medical plans, but I hope you are able to find a more suited therapist to help. It took me 7 tries, but that was before Pete Walker ever wrote his book about Complex PTSD, so hopefully it takes far less tries to find good therapy nowadays.

I'm pulling for you,
Papa Coco

[Desert Flower]

I totally agree with Papa Coco here, you're certainly not rotten, although the stuff that happened certainly was.

the emotions that hide from CBT

Very well put.

And what I wanted to say: I have the same feeling Aphotic of not being able to put the lid back once I pulled it off. But I am convinced we do the lid pulling only when we're ready somehow. We can take it. Better than the therapists can probably. We'll get better, even if we have to go through all the slush first. We will pull ourselves up by our own hair if we must. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

When a therapist needs to feel like they cured me I automatically act cured so I don't offend them.

Yes, I definitely feel that.
I'm really glad you managed to find a therapist that suits your needs.

I call the inner a rottenness because I have such a strong inner critic... it's been fed by the external cruelties for years and then continues to fester on its own, and it's become something so massive that most of the time I can't fight it on my own. It's suffocating and deadly, and often I wish to lock it away and never see it again. Though according to every CPTSD theory out there, apparently you're supposed to give it love and care - and I just can't seem to find the will to do that. She's scary. lol But that's something only I myself can resolve, well, with the help of a good therapist hopefully.

Thank you Coco, and Desert Flower.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Cascade]

Hi Aphotic,
Good on ya for taking care of yourself and seeking the type of therapy that you recognize you need! 

I can't answer your questions but wanted to respond with my support during this tough time.  To describe the rottenness oozing out, I've used the term disgusting in the past.  Neither one of us are rotten or disgusting.  I agree with Papa Coco that it's the pain (and the trauma and criticism).

One funny story about my own therapist who is working with me to show love and care to myself.  My inner critic showed up as a 14-year-old version of myself.  We did our thing in therapy, and afterwards, the therapist commented that she's kinda scared of teenagers, lol!  But all went well.  I guess it's one of those moments to let you know you're not alone being scared by your inner critic.  Even some great therapists are scared, too! 

Take care,
   -Cascade

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you Cascade, your commendations are appreciated.
Maybe I'll even admit that I'm a tad excited. Maybe it's a little messed up but I get some satisfaction every time I tell my stories to someone new. Since of course, I can't just tell them to any random stranger, nobody really knows how to respond to that kind of trauma anyway. But if I'm meeting a professional and they're regulated by law not to tell anyone, then you bet I'm going to trauma-dump if I get that chance. So, looking at it optimistically, even if the next therapist doesn't work out and I need to find another, well that's just another opportunity to be heard by someone. Even if they don't help, there's something validating about being heard and known by someone, being able to truthfully vent, without censoring, without worrying about where that information will end up.

One funny story about my own therapist who is working with me to show love and care to myself.  My inner critic showed up as a 14-year-old version of myself.  We did our thing in therapy, and afterwards, the therapist commented that she's kinda scared of teenagers, lol!  But all went well.  I guess it's one of those moments to let you know you're not alone being scared by your inner critic.  Even some great therapists are scared, too! 

I'd oddly find it quite reassuring if my therapist was also startled by my own inner critic - would make me feel like "See, I told you I'm not overreacting to this inner critic, check them out! They're horrifying!". Nice to receive a reminder too on how therapists are also human; also affected by human nature and emotions.

Thank you again, Cascade.

I'm seeing my GP clinic in a few days for the referral. Worst case scenario there may not be any compatible therapists near me (I live in a rather small city), but there should at least be a therapist who I can speak to via online methods, as a last resort. Not too long now though. I've been biding my time through creative outlets, it's been helping.

Regards,
Aphotic.