Loneliness and lack of connection

[strawberrycat]

Hello, this is my first post (after my introduction post, which I made back in April). I've been reading through other members' posts for a little while now, but It still makes me very anxious to interact with the forum. However, I think now is a good time for me to at least try and reach out for community support, as my feelings of loneliness have increased a lot recently. For context, the one friend I usually talk to is gonna be unavailable for awhile, and I don't really have anyone else. Even more, while our friendship isn't toxic, it's not exactly that emotionally close. It's partially on me for not being able to communicate my feelings, but my friend also has their own mental health issues and can't really be available for me when I need someone - even just someone to talk to casually.

Existing has already been hard for me for the past month or so. Trying to heal on my own has been so overwhelming and I keep having to fight the urge to give up entirely. These circumstances make the struggle feel worse, as now I'm reminded of how I've never experienced true emotional connection with another human being. I have a cat that I'm pretty close with, but it doesn't feel the same. I've just been deprived of a truly supportive and safe relationship with another person my whole life and it feels like a gaping hole in the middle of my chest. I've been trying to help myself through it, but there are simply some needs I won't be able to meet on my own, yknow?

I just needed a place to vent about it, but any advice or just emotional support would be appreciated.

[rainydiary]

Hi strawberrycat, I resonate with what you wrote.  I often feel versions of what you described too. 

[Dalloway]

Strawberrycat, I really resonate with what you are describing here. I´ve also never felt real emotional connection to anyone in my life. At this point, I´m just not able to trust anyone so deeply that I could form an emotional bond or a relationship.

---TW---
From my early childhood to the end of my teenage years I was emotionally abused by my mother. She would often tell me how useless and worthless I am and made me believe that I´m the worst person on earth. She was also threatening us with stories of very bad people outside who want to hurt us and take us kids away from her.
---END TW---

So I learned very quickly that:
1. No one will love me because I´m worthless
2. No one is safe enough to love

I believe that those are the biggest reasons -- and of course the pathological fear and anxiety -- why I can´t connect to people.

I've been trying to help myself through it, but there are simply some needs I won't be able to meet on my own, yknow?

That´s exactly how I feel. I used to say to myself that I don´t need anyone and it worked for a while, I was able to convince myself that I´m one of those who don´t need company, who are totally content being alone. But that gaping hole you mentioned was getting bigger and bigger. Now I realize how much I need connection and loving relationships to thrive, I just don´t know how to do that yet.

I hope you find the support here on the forum and that you´ll feel less alone by sharing your thoughts with all the wonderful people here. 

[strawberrycat]

Hello dalloway. I also have a very similar mother wound to yours; I think emotional neglect is a big part of it as well. I've struggled all my life with forming bonds and its the worst T_T Thank you for taking time to respond to my post!

[Cascade]

Hi strawberrycat,
I also struggle with craving connection with other people.  I'm so glad you reached out here.  Check you out, making connections and stuff! 

The forum is a great way to build these connections, actually get to know people a little bit, find out we are all dealing with similar feelings and trying to find our way.  As others have said, it's easier together.

Thanks for being here,
   -Cascade

And a group hug if that's okay. 

[strawberrycat]

Hi Cascade, thank you for your warm reply. Since I'm still kind of new, I still feel a bit hesitant and out of place here, but i'll try my best to interact a little more 

[Cascade]

Hi strawberrycat,
There aren't any expectations about how much to interact, so take your time.  Thank you for being so brave to share your feelings about connections.  It might be scary to talk about what's on your mind or in your heart.  Just trust that someone here has probably faced something similar and will respond with kindness.  Or you might be surprised that someone says something that really fits with what you experienced.  So, just take it as it comes!

   -Cascade

[Dalloway]

Our wounds can be so deep we don´t even realize them cause they are so big that they outgrow everything else. Sometimes I think I´m not even wounded, I´m the huge wound itself. I cannot get rid of it, cause I can´t get rid of myself. And this is especially hard to swallow when I feel isolated and alone. This forum is a miracle for me from the very first day. First, I was shy and couldn´t find my voice (I still struggle sometimes with expressing my feeling with words), but I´m realizing that everything helps me in the healing process. Really, everything. If I´m just reading some interesting conversations in threads that resonate with me, or try to form an opinion or asking for help/advice or just venting -- I feel the connection with all the people who went through similar things. So as Cascade mentioned, take your time and know that this forum, we, will be here and happy to hear from you. 

[Papa Coco]

Strawberrycat,

Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is doing things even though we are afraid. I applaud the courage you mustered to write this post. I know how frightening it can be to reach out. I'm impressed by your courage to do so even though you are uncomfortable doing it.

I hope that the kind responses you're receiving from your reaching out have helped you feel safe with your post.

I agree with the others, that nobody is expecting anyone to post anything they don't feel safe to post. I'm glad you trusted us all enough to post this one. Even when you prefer to remain safely behind the glass you are as much a part of this community as anyone else. There's no minimum posting rules.

Here's a very safe, on-line, hug.  You are as important as anyone else on this forum.

[strawberrycat]

Thank you, Papa Coco! Your kind words were reassuring to hear